


The Holy Groupchat

by Saffiaan



Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: I just want to have fun, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, John is probably ace, Mary Peter and Jesus are the only ones with competent brain skills, Modern Era, Multi, Simon is aro, The only reason this is rated mature is to be save, at least this is unlikely to tear your heart apart, don't treat this too seriously please, friends being friends, groupchat, just a low effort feel good fic because I needed one, mentions of drug use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:13:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 47
Words: 52,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24752191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saffiaan/pseuds/Saffiaan
Summary: The lives of the apostles when there are less lives on the stake, as told through a series of chats.
Relationships: James/Simon Zealotes, Jesus Christ/Judas Iscariot, John/Matthew (Jesus Christ Superstar), Peter/Mary Magdalene
Comments: 251
Kudos: 46
Collections: Holy Groupchat AU





	1. We didn't start the fire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CalamityCain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalamityCain/gifts).



> Okay so I'm swimming in exams and other stuff and I just really wanted a feel good fic and I wanted to write but I don't have the time for something high effort. I've been reading this groupchat fics and they crack me up so I figured I'd write one for JCS, because why not. I hope this makes someone crack up

_June 11 4:08_

**_Simon_ ** _created this group_

 **_Simon_ ** _renamed group **We didn’t start the fire**_

 **Simon:** Next Tuesday, 9:00, city square

 **Simon:** I know for a fact none of you have anything to do so you can’t talk yourself out of it

_7:25_

**Judas:** How about I don’t want to

 **James:** Simon what the actual fuck

_7:56_

**James:** Simon, please tell me you didn’t start a fire

 **Peter:** Well, it does say ‘we _didn’t_ start the fire’

 **Mary:** That doesn’t mean he can’t keep one going. Plus, it’s past tense. The future is still ready to be set aflame

 **James:** SIMON IF YOU START ANOTHER FIRE I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN TO THE EDGE OF THE EARTH

 **Judas:** Very threatening

 **James:** What’s that supposed to mean?

 **Judas:** Pretty sure your maximum running speed is Simon’s definition of speedwalking

 **James:** Right. SIMON IF YOU START ANOTHER FIRE I WILL SET MARY ON YOU

 **Judas:** Smooth

 **Mary:** Please leave me out of this

 **Peter:** Someone remind me why I’m friends with you guys again

 **John:** Because we’re absolutely amazing. And it’s good for your relationship to be friends with your girlfriend’s friends

 **Peter:** My whatnow?

 **John:** Not there yet? Oh. Well, enjoy this free advice for when you get a girlfriend

 **Peter:** …

 **Mary:** John, since you’re not doing anything useful anyway, I’m going to come over to pick up some stuff at your place

 **John:** Oh fuck I’m dead. Please pray for my soul

 **James:** Sure thing, buddy

PM between Peter and Mary

**Peter:** You’re not actually going to kill John, right? I don’t think he meant anything bad by it

 **Mary:** That kinda depends on whether he made the pamphlets or not, but I won’t kill him over this. Don’t worry

 **Peter:** Okay cool

 **Mary:** Though while we’re on the subject. Do you wanna go out sometime?

 **Peter:** Wait what?

 **Mary:** It’s fine if you don’t want to. Just… figured I might just as well ask it. John usually has a good sense for these things

 **Peter:** No, I would love to. But I thought you had this on/off thing with Jesus going on

 **Mary:** Not really. It’s complicated, but bottom line is there’s nothing going on

 **Peter:** Oh okay. Ehm. Next Tuesday 9:00 far away from the city square?

 **Mary:** As perfect as that sounds, someone needs to keep this deal in check. We can’t leave it all to Jesus

 **Peter:** Good point. Friday at Atalya? I’ve got nothing to do after about 16:00

 **Mary:** Sounds good. Let’s meet at 5

We didn’t start the fire

_9:42_

**Judas:** Alright since none of you dipshits are observant enough to notice. Anyone else think this silence is very uncharacteristic for Simon?

 **James:** Fuck you’re right. Do you think he set himself on fire?

 **Judas:** I hope he did

_11:09_

**Simon:** Fear not my good friends, I am still very much alive and not set on fire. Your concern however is most kind and appreciated

 **_Judas_ ** _has left the chat_

 **_Simon_ ** _has added **Judas** to the chat_

 **Judas:** Fuck

 **James:** Good to know that you’re not set on fire but that doesn’t answer the question if another fire was started

 **Simon:** Not by me. Sadly

 **James:** Can you go one week without getting involved with arson?

 **Simon:** I wasn’t! This week I’m all clean of fire and fire making activities

 **James:** Then who did?

 **Simon:** Fuck if I know. How am I supposed to monitor the world’s fire making habits?

 **John:** Personally, I kind of just assumed you had a sixth sense for it at this point. Though on second thought maybe that sixth sense only works if it’s a destructive fire to cause anarchy

 **Simon** Does sound like my kind of fire. But alas, I do not have such an amazing superpower

 **Peter:** So if it wasn’t a fire, then what was the reason for your silence?

 **Simon:** Oh, I got in a fight

 **James:** Of fucking course

 **John:** What posessed you to get into a fight? Again?

 **Peter:** Are you okay?

 **Simon:** Thank you, Peter. This is why you’re my favourite

 **Peter:** I am not your favourite

 **Simon:** True. Anyway, had a little disagreement with a group of guys. There may have been wine involved. Got a split lip and a broken nose. You should see the other guy though. Broke the asshole’s arm

 **Jesus:** I don’t look at my phone for one morning and this is what I get back to. It’s good to know you’re relatively okay, Simon, but could you please try to keep things peaceful next time? Regardless of the amount of wine involved

 **Judas:** You might just as well ask Caiaphas to pull that stick from his ass

 **Jesus:** Judas, please

 **Judas:** I’m just saying, if you’re going to ask for miracles, might just as well go for one that might actually come true

 **Simon:** Judas, your lack of trust in me is very hurtful

 **Judas:** I really don’t give a shit. It doesn’t make me less right

 **Simon:** Eh, maybe. I’ll try my best

 **Jesus:** Thank you

PM between Simon and James

**James:** I smell bullshit

 **Simon:** I smell absolutely nothing, which may have something to do with blood clogging up my nose. So please, enlighten me

 **James:** You got in a disagrement with several other people and all you have is a broken nose and split lip?

 **Simon:** Well, that and a few bruises and the doctors think my ribs may be bruised but that’s all nothing out of the ordinary

 **James:** You’re a fucking idiot I hope you realise that

 **James:** Wait. Doctors? Where the fuck are you?

 **Simon:** The hospital

 **James:** … You have no way of getting back, do you?

 **Simon:** There’s absolutely nothing wrong with my legs

 **James:** Want me to pick you up?

 **Simon:** I may throw up in your car

 **James:** You say that as if you haven’t done that already. Several times. I will bring a plastic bag to limit the damge

 **Simon:** In that case, please. Also bring food. I haven’t eaten since yesterday evening and I’m starving

 **James:** Alright, I’ll be there in like 15 minutes with the weirdest sandwich I can find in the supermarket

 **Simon:** This is why you are my favourite

 **James:** I know


	2. Baking is hard

PM between Judas and Mary

_June 11, 21:08_

**Mary:** Please help. I asked Peter out

**Judas:** So you want me to call a psychiatrist or help you flee the country or what?

**Mary:** No, prick. Peter’s a good guy

**Judas:** If you say so. Whatever keeps your hands off of my boyfriend

**Mary:** Didn’t you hook up with Simon like last week?

**Judas:** Yes, but that’s irrelevant to my point

**Mary:** How is that irrelevant? Just how? You know what, nevermind. I really, really don’t need your confusing mess of a relationship to add to everything else in my life

**Judas:** So, Peter?

**Mary:** Yes. I’m kind of regretting asking him to be honest

**Judas:** Why? Thought you said he was a ‘good guy’

**Mary:** He is. I’m just scared to mess this whole thing up. Don’t really have any experience with relationships. At least not with healthy ones

**Judas:** As long as he doesn’t pay you for going on the date, you’re probably good

**Mary:** Judas!

**Judas:** Fine, fine. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Either it doesn’t work out and you’ve only slightly expanded on the confusing dynamics in the group, or it seems like it does work out but then it’s not exactly picture perfect. In which case I sincerely doubt you’ll be able to top, what did you call it? Oh, my ‘confusing mess of a relationship’. And you’ve at least 11 people behind you if for some unforeseen and unrealistic reason things really do go south

**Mary:** Right. You’re right. Thanks

_21:27_

**Mary:** So, did Jesus find out about Simon?

**Judas:** Didn’t you just say you didn’t want to delve into this?

**Mary:** Yes, but I’m worried

**Judas:** That makes absolutely no sense but okay. Yes, I told him

**Mary:** And?

**Judas:** How the fuck do you have everyone convinced you’re not a sadist? Nothing happened, woman. There was like one day of the usual silent treatment followed by make up sex and no one cares anymore but you

**Mary:** You don’t have to get so defensive, I was just asking

**Judas:** Whatever

We didn’t start the fire

_June 12, 8:15_

**James:** Okay, which one of you spread the lie that baking bread is calming or whatever?

**Jesus:** Well, I would argue on the ‘lie’ part of that statement, but I did say something like that

**James:** Does this look calming to you?

**James:** [picture attachment: kitchen counter covered in flower, it looks like something exploded]

**_Simon_ ** _changed this group’s icon_

**James:** SIMON YOU DID NOT JUST MAKE MY DESTROYED KITCHEN THE GROUP PICTURE

**Simon:** I really don’t know how to inform you that that’s exactly what I did

**James:** GIVE ME ADMIN RIGHTS

**Simon:** No

**Jesus:** How did you manage to make such a mess out of baking bread?

**James:** I don’t fucking know. Followed this stupid tutorial I found online and this is what happened

**Simon:** Friendly reminder that James is a horrible cook

**James:** … Look, you’re not wrong, but do we really need a permanent reminder of it?

**Jesus:** Horrible is a strong word

**James:** It’s really not. The other day I burned water

**Simon:** Technically you burned the onion and then poured water on that mess

**John:** What on earth was your thought process?

**James:** The recipe said to add water. So I added water

**Simon:** I would like the record to show that the onions and the pan were completely black at this point. Those could’ve been my grandmother’s ashes and you wouldn’t have seen the difference

**John:** Petition to never let James cook for the any of us. Ever

**Simon:** Signed

**James:** Signed

**Judas:** Signed

**John:** Sounds like the majority to me. The petition is accepted

**Jesus:** I’m sure it can’t be that bad. Cooking can be tricky to get a hang of, but once you’ve got it, you’re good to go

**Mary:** I can teach you

**James:** Jesus, please take another look at the picture. I think we’ve passed ‘tricky’ a while ago

**James:** Mary, are you sure?

**Mary:** Yeah, I don’t see why not. Just come over after you’ve somewhat cleaned up that mess

**James:** Alright, shouldn’t take too long!

_10:21_

**Simon:** I think now is appropriate to mourn the loss of Mary and James. Two dear friends who we lost too soon to James’ incapability to cook like a normal person

**Jesus:** It is not appropriate

**Judas:** You literally live on microwave meals

**Simon:** As do you

**Judas:** I live on decent microwave meals

**Jesus:** And my bread

**Judas:** That too

**Peter:** How are neither of you suffering from some sort of nutrient deficiency?

**Simon:** Bold of you to assume I’m not

**Judas:** That explains your rotting brain

**Peter:** Are you physically incapable of not picking on someone?

**Jesus:** Can you all stop picking on each other?

**Simon:** Sure

**Jesus:** Judas?

**Judas:** Yeah, yeah, fine

_10:49_

**James:** [picture attachment: a plate of tasty looking cinnamon buns]

**James:** And before anyone says anything, no I did not ruin Mary’s kitchen in the process

**Simon:** But did you ruin Mary?

**Mary:** Define ruined. At least I’ve got cinnamon rolls. Can you say the same?

**Simon:** There’s nothing stopping me from coming over right now

**James:** Then why aren’t you?

**Simon:** Be there in five

**Mary:** This is what I get for my kindness

_10:58_

**Simon:** I would like to grant everyone some free wisdom: do not try to run several streets with bruised ribs

**Peter:** Do any of you think before doing something or do you just go for it regardless of how stupid it sounds?

**Simon:** Peter, my dear friend, life is too short to stop at think about the consequences of my actions

**Judas:** The way you live it, it is

**_Jesus_ ** _has left the chat_

**Peter:** Shit

**Simon:** You said it

**Judas:** I’ll talk to him

PM between Judas and Jesus

**Judas:** So, any chance you’re going to tell me what’s going on or should I just save myself the effort of trying to pry it out of you?

**Jesus:** What makes you think something’s going on? I was just sick of you guys picking on each other

**Judas:** That was nothing out of the ordinary and you know it. You’re never that short with the others

**Jesus:** I’m just really tired. Can’t get a decent night’s sleep. And now I’m worried that normal bickering will turn into real fights even though this is how they always behave and it’s been going right for years

**Judas:** Yeah, I don’t think the sleep is the main problem here

**Jesus:** What do you mean?

**Judas:** You’re constantly working these past few days. Helping others and whatnot. Which is great and all, but has it occurred to you that you need to relax every now and then?

**Jesus:** You may have a point

**Judas:** Of course I do. I’ll pick you up and we’ll go to Mary and see if she’s still alive

**Jesus:** Alright

We didn’t start the fire

**Judas:** Simon, you can add Jesus back

**_Simon_ ** _added **Jesus** to the group_

**Peter:** Jesus, I’m really sorry

**Jesus:** No, don’t apologise. I’m sorry. I’m just tired, which caused me to be short tempered. Judas and I are going to Mary’s, so maybe you and John can come over as well and we can spend the remainder of the day together?

**Peter:** Save some cinnamon rolls

**Simon:** Bring booze

**Mary:** Do not bring booze

**John:** I’ll come over in an hour or so!


	3. Dates and bets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have absolutely no chill with updating this fic. I'm just having way too much fun writing this, which is a nice change from more serious fics I've written

PM between Peter and James

_June 13, 7:45_

**Peter:** James, help. I have a date with Mary tonight

**James:** Not that I mind, but why the fuck did you come to me with that?

**Peter:** I don’t know what the deal is with Mary and Jesus so I can’t go to him, Judas would undoubtedly laugh in my face, John has a high probability of telling everyone and Simon is Simon

**James:** Good points, please proceed

**Peter:** Well… that was it, actually. I’m just incredibly nervous

**James:** Look, buddy, I know you’ve had a crush on her since forever, but how wrong can this really go?

**Peter:** I have several doom scenarios

**James:** You and every other person who has ever gone on a first date ever. But I meant, realistically?

**Peter:** Yeah, I know you’re right, I just can’t help it. Also, I have not had a crush on her ‘since forever’

**James:** Whatever you say

**Peter:** Please don’t tell anyone

**James:** It’s a bit too late for that

PM between Simon and James

_7:52_

**James:** Peter and Mary are going on a date tonight. You officially owe me 20 bucks and a six-pack decent beer

**Simon:** Sounds fake

**James:** I screenshotted the bet, in case you need a reminder

**Simon:** No, I remember the bet. I’m just not trusting you when you say they’re going on a date

**James:** Well, it’s true

**Simon:** You’ll have to forgive me for factchecking

New group

_7:54_

**_Simon_** _created this group_

**_Simon_ ** _added **James**_

**_Simon_ ** _added **Peter**_

**Peter:** What is this?

**James:** Simon, I swear

**Simon:** Peter, James tells me you have a date with Mary tonight. Is this true?

**Peter:** Yes

**Simon:** Fuck. Really?

**Peter:** I don’t understand why this is so hard to believe

**James:** To be fair, you don’t seem like the person to gather up the courage to ask her

**Peter:** Well… she asked me

**Simon:** Now that sounds more realistic

**Peter:** Don’t tell anyone else please

**James:** Sure thing, buddy

**Simon:** I will take this secret to my grave

**Peter:** Thanks

**_Simon_ ** _renamed group **Surprise, Peter can get a girl**_

**Peter:** Simon, please

**Simon:** You’re right, that’s rude

**_Simon_ ** _renamed group **James can’t get a girl**_

**James:** I’m literally gay, you idiot

**Simon:** Fine. You guys are really demanding today

**_Simon_** _renamed group **James doesn’t want to get a girl**_

**James:** …. You know what? Good enough for me

**Simon:** Peter, do you have any criticism to give on my wonderful group naming?

**Peter:** No, this is a name I can live with. But I can’t help but wonder why it’s constantly you that ends up as a group’s admin

**Simon:** It’s because I’m the only one showing initiative to make a group

**James:** It’s because you apparently feel the need to make a group for every little thing

**Simon:** The main group was made for legitimate reasons

**Peter:** I’m reluctantly agreeing with that. However, why this group? You could’ve just asked me in a private message

**Simon:** Well yeah, but the main reason I wanted to know was because of the bet with James so this seemed the most efficient way to go about it

**Peter:** You had a bet about whether Mary and I would date or not?

**James:** Simon I swear one of these days I’ll chop off your fingers and glue your mouth shut

**Simon:** Gross

**Peter:** Wait. Who won?

**James:** I did. Simon now owes me 20 bucks and beer

**Peter:** Nice. Give me the beer and I won’t tell Mary

**James:** Done

**Peter:** Any other bets you guys have running that I should know of before making decisions?

**Simon:** Yes, but actively influencing the outcome automatically makes the other person the winner, so we legally can’t tell you

**James:** However, we can tell you about past bets. You know how Simon suddenly had an A shaved into his hair?

**Peter:** Yeah?

**James:** Yeah, that was over a bet. It’s actually an A for asshole, but he found a loophole and now it looks like the anarchist A

**Simon:** James is only allowed to eat food this week that’s either white or green

**Peter:** You guys are absolutely ridiculous

**James:** We know

We didn’t start the fire

_8:48_

**Mary:** Okay, someone left their backpack here and I gave my sweatshirt to someone but I forgot to whom

**John:** I have your sweatshirt. I’ll throw it in the washing machine and bring it back tomorrow if that’s okay with you

**Mary:** Sure, thanks! Any idea about the owner of the backpack?

**Judas:** I’m pretty sure it’s mine. Send a picture

**Mary:** [picture attachment: brown backpack]

**Judas:** Well fuck, that’s not mine

**James:** Oh, that’s mine

**Judas:** This is Jesus, Judas is busy beating up the wall. Anyone seen Judas’ backpack by any chance? Or brought home a backpack that isn’t theirs?

**Mary:** I just have this one. Why are you on Judas’ phone?

**Judas:** My phone was in his bag -Jesus

**James:** Sorry, I just forgot to bring any bag at all

**Simon:** I haven’t touched a bag since the summer of 1850

**Peter:** Bad timing, Simon. And I don’t have anything either

**Simon:** Do you guys remember what was in it other than your phone?

**Judas:** Money, a laptop charger but luckily not the laptop, undoubtedly several old crumpled up post its, a pencil case, a bottle of water and the flyer of that homeless shelter we went last Wednesday -Jesus

**Simon:** I’ll ask around

**Judas:** Thank you -Jesus

_13:16_

**Simon:** I’ve got good news, bad news and more good news. I’ve found Judas’ backpack, but both the money and Jesus’ phone are gone. I do however have a new phone for you

**Judas:** Do I want to know where you got the bag and the phone? -Jesus

**Simon:** Probably not. I’d recommend deactivating your old phone number and such

**_Simon_ ** _removed **Jesus** from the chat_

**Simon:** Where are you guys?

**Judas:** We’re at Judas’ place -Jesus

**Simon:** Ok, get dressed, I’m coming over to bring the bag and phone

**Judas:** Thank you -Jesus

_13:50_

**_Simon_ ** _added **Jesus** to the chat_

**Jesus:** I still don’t think I want to know where this phone came from, but it’s actually an upgrade from my old phone

**Judas:** You say that as if we didn’t lose 50 bucks

**Mary:** At least you didn’t have your laptop or any credit cards in that bag

**Judas:** Still don’t get how I lost the damned thing. Simon, you don’t happen to know that, do you?

**Simon:** No. I know I don’t look like it, but I do actually know when not to ask too many questions

**James:** Everyone watch out. It’s becoming self-aware

James doesn’t want to get a girl

_16:02_

**James:** When exactly is your date?

**Peter:** At 5. I swear I’m dying over here

**James:** You’ll be fine. Let us know how it went

**Simon:** Good luck. Don’t let Mary kill you, that will spoil the mood

**Peter** : Thanks

_22:54_

**Peter:** Okay since you asked, it actually went really well

**Simon:** Hell yeah!


	4. The Great Admin Challenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanted to do one day, one chapter. But then this 'day' got kinda out of hand so I'll be splitting it in two anyway. Oops (also I wanted to upload but I really need to go to sleep, so there's that)
> 
> Also this AU is officially co-owned by CalamityCain, who comes up with the most incredible headcanons  
> On which note, Mary is now a vet and James and Jesus own a second-hand bookstore together
> 
> And I lied in my tags. The relationships aren't background anymore XD But the Judas/Simon and Jesus/Mary are past, so I didn't lie completely! (Also the James/Simon relationship is more very good friends with benefits, but then next level, considering how Simon doesn't do romantic relationships)

We didn’t start the fire

_June 14, 10:07_

**_Simon_ ** _has added **James** as admin_

**_Simon_ ** _has removed **Simon** as admin_

**Simon:** You’re all very welcome -James

**Peter:** I don’t think anyone is complaining, but why are you on Simon’s phone?

**Simon:** Well, mine is in the kitchen and I’m too lazy to get up. And since Simon is still asleep, I figured this was a good time to right this disaster -James

**Mary:** Good thinking

**Simon:** Thanks -James

_10:20_

**Simon:** Wow. I have been defiled, betrayed, misled, used!

**James:** Fucking drama queen

**Simon:** My trust has been hurt and shattered beyond repair

_10:48_

**Simon:** Alright, trust has been repaired

**John:** You almost had me worried there. Almost. So close

**Judas:** Why do all of you fucks act like James being admin is an improvement?

**James:** Wow, rude

**John:** No, he has a point

**Simon:** See, this is why we don’t meddle in the established hierarchy in a group chat. Before you know it, everyone wants to be admin

**Mary:** A little bit of anarchy should be right up your ally

**Simon:** … Wow. Using my words against me. Everyone is out to get me this morning

**Judas:** Sucks to be you

**Simon:** In that case I suggest everyone is made admin

**Jesus:** Okay I really don’t want a part of this but I’m going to intervene right there, because that’s chaos waiting to happen. And, Simon, while I know you thrive on chaos, I suggest we do not subject the rest of us to it

**Simon:** Fine

**Peter:** So then who does get to be admin?

**John:** Jesus? He’s the leader

**Jesus:** I do not have the time to govern the lot of you more than I already do

**Simon:** There’s only one solution: an almighty competition for the admin rights

**James:** …sure, why not

**Mary:** Not how I thought I’d be spending my Saturday but alright

**Peter:** Only if Jesus is the judge

**Jesus:** …I should’ve kept my mouth shut. But alright, I’ll play judge

**John:** Is everyone competing?

**Judas:** I’m not

**Mary:** Please help minimalize the chance that Simon gets the admin rights back

**Judas:** Fine

**Simon:** I’ll defeat you all while asleep

**James:** Buddy, asleep is how you lost the admin rights in the first place

**Simon:** I will burn your eggs and shove them down your throat until you choke on the ashes

**Judas:** Film it

**Jesus:** Can I disqualify the both of you?

**Judas:** Yes

**Simon:** Not if you value James’ life

**James:** Please. We’re in the kitchen. Simon is literally surrounded by knives

**Judas:** Take one for the team

**Jesus:** Please don’t murder each other. No one is disqualified for now

**Peter:** So how does this whole competition thing work?

**Simon:** A fist fight till the death! Or whatever Jesus decides, seeing he’s the jury

**Jesus:** Alright, let me get back on that

James doesn’t want to get a girl

_11:23_

**Peter:** Okay, since we’re waiting for Jesus to come up with something anyway. How does one ask a girl out?

**Simon:** My friend, you’ve come to the perfect place for this. Who better to ask this but your friends who are gay and aro?

**Peter:** Shut up, I don’t really have anyone else to ask

**James:** Just ask her? I don’t really know what else you want us to say and I’m pretty sure sexual orientation has nothing to do with it

**Peter:** But shouldn’t it be more than just a text message? Doesn’t seem very romantic

**Simon:** Romance is overrated

**James:** This I Mary we’re talking about. I’m pretty sure she isn’t a fan of big gestures anyway

**Peter:** That’s true. Okay, I’ll just text her

PM between Mary and Peter

_11:30_

James doesn’t want to get a girl

_11:30_

**Peter:** How do you even start with this?

**Simon:** Recap on last night, give positive affirmations and ask if she wants to do it again

**Peter:** Cool, thanks

**James:** …seriously?

**Simon:** Just because I can’t be bothered doesn’t mean I don’t know how it works

PM between Mary and Peter

_11:34_

**Peter:** Hey! I really enjoyed last night. Want to do it again?

James doesn’t want to get a girl

_11:34_

**Peter:** Alright, that was horrible. I think I’ll now retreat in silence never to be seen again

**Simon:** Farewell, it was an honour to know you

**James:** Didn’t she ask you out the first time?

**Peter:** Yeah

**James:** …THEN WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK SHE’S GONNA SAY NO?

**Peter:** I have Jesus to live up to!

**Simon:** Based on the fact that he and Judas keep breaking up every so often I don’t think he’s that hard to live up to

**Peter:** Agree to disagree

PM between Mary and Peter

_11:40_

**Mary:** Sorry I was taking a shower! But I’d love to. Though I have to ask, where did you get the template for that?

**Peter:** That obvious? Got it from Simon

**Mary:** Huh, never would have guessed that part. Anyway, I don’t know my work schedule yet, so is it okay with you if we leave the exact date and time till Monday?

**Peter:** Yes, of course!

**Mary:** So, are you seriously going to compete in the whole admin situation?

**Peter:** Yes, but only because I don’t really have anything else to do and leaving the admin rights with Simon is a bad idea

**Mary:** I’m glad we all have the same motivation

James doesn’t want to get a girl

_11:47_

**Peter:** Simon, she immediately figured out I used a template

**Simon:** But did it work?

**Peter:** Yes

**Simon:** That’s the important part

We didn’t start the fire

_12:19_

**Jesus:** Alright, I’ve come up with something. You all have to bake cookies for the orphanage. It doesn’t matter what kind, as long as they taste good. Everyone is free to ask for advice, but I won’t physically help. I will recognise store bought cookies or those things that only require water. Murdering each other means automatic disqualification. Bring them over before 22:00 tonight and I’ll let know who won tomorrow morning. I also want a full list of the ingredients in case of allergies

**John:** Is this relevant to being an admin?

**Jesus:** No, but this whole thing is ridiculous anyway and this way it’s at least somewhat useful

**Peter:** Do they need to be made from scratch or are we allowed to use some sort of mix?

**Jesus:** You’re allowed to use a mix as long as they require more effort than just adding water or milk

**James:** RIP Simon’s kitchen

**Mary:** Is it legal for them to be at it in the same space?

**Jesus:** Yes. Help each other all you want. Make one batch of cookies for all I care, as long as they have one name on it

**Simon:** Does accidental murder mean disqualification?

**Jesus:** Yes

_15:23_

**Mary:** Anyone else finding out they’re not good at baking?

**James:** Not so much finding out as rediscovering

**Simon:** Today I have discovered that you’re not supposed to leave on the cookie cutters when you put the cookies in the oven

**Peter:** You didn’t

**James:** He did. They were plastic cookie cutters too

**James:** [Picture attachment: a tray of semi burned cookies with melted colourful plastic]

**Jesus:** Don’t forget to open the windows to let the fumes out

**Simon:** Oh right, good one

**John:** How are you still alive?

**Simon:** Fate simply keeps smiling at me

**Judas:** Death doesn’t want to get stuck with the little shit

**Simon:** I would be offended but you also just suggested that I’m indestructible and immortal so honestly, this is a compliment

**John:** Not indestructible, just unkillable

**Simon:** That’s the only kind of indestructible I care about

**Peter:** Of course it is. Anyone else created a disaster?

**James:** I melted a cutting bord, but I think it’s a big improvement from my destroyed kitchen

**Mary:** It is, good job

**Judas:** I think I broke Jesus’ mixer

**Jesus:** The new electric one?

**Judas:** Yep

**Jesus:** Why did you even use that mixer when you know you don’t know how to handle kitchen appliances that aren’t the microwave? You could’ve asked for help at the very least

**Judas:** Dude, it’s just a mixer, chill out

James doesn’t want to get a girl

_15:47_

**Simon:** It’s that time of the month again

**Peter:** I hate it when they get like this

**James:** Ugh yeah me too

**Simon:** Should I add Mary and John to this chat?

**James:** Sure

**Peter:** Go ahead

**_Simon_ ** _added **John** to this chat_

**_Simon_ ** _added **Mary** to this chat_

**John:** What is this?

**James:** A chat that Simon made for something that could easily have been discussed in PM and now a group chat without Judas and Jesus

**John:** That seems a bit rude

**Simon:** Them starting a fight every few weeks is rude too but no one’s talking about that

**Mary:** It’s still not exactly fair to just leave them out. Look, I’ll talk to Jesus. Simon, can you talk to Judas?

**Simon:** Sure, why not? I’m unkillable anyway

**Mary:** They can fight out their problems in their own time, but it would be nice if the rest of us didn’t have to bear the grunt of it

**James:** Yeah, do you know how fun it is to work with Jesus when they’re having a fight? Cause it’s not

**Simon:** If you think that’s annoying, try James sending you complaining messages at ridiculous hours

**Peter:** Since when do you have ‘ridiculous hours’ in your vocabulary?

**James:** He means anything between 7 and 12 in the morning

**Simon:** Complaining needs to be after 12 with the occasional exception for very special and good complaining

**John:** Good to know you hold office hours

**Mary:** Simon, Judas?

**Simon:** Right, I’m on it


	5. Relationship Therapy with the Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little note on this AU: Simon and James occasionally live togheter but they both have their own places and honestly this is completely dependent on their whims. Rhyme and reason are for the weak

PM between Simon and Judas

_16:03_

**Simon:** Get it over with, my friend

**Judas:** What?

**Simon:** Well, I want to talk to you, but you’re going to swear a lot first, so I suggest you get all your venting out the way right now

**Judas:** What the fuck gave you the idea I want to talk to you?

**Simon:** I don’t see anyone else giving you the time of day

**Judas:** I don’t see why everyone’s making such a big deal over a fucking mixer. It’s just a stupid kitchen appliance. Jesus needs to get his fucking priorities straight. Like, I know he’s a petty little shit, but over a mixer? Really?

**Simon:** It is indeed an extreme reaction on something that could easily be replaced

**Judas:** I know. I bet in reality he’s still pissed about some other stupid thing he just never bothered to tell me about. Because imagine actually talking to someone once in a while. Why talk when you can also be a passive aggressive little bitch?

**Simon:** Being passive aggressive is clearly a more efficient way of communicating

**Judas:** Fuck efficiency. He’s just a dramatic ass who can’t handle having nothing to bitch about

**Simon:** It’s very nice to accommodate him by breaking stuff that he can get upset over

**Judas:** Can’t do anything right with him. If it’s not the mixer now, it’s something else an hour later

**Simon:** Trust me, I know

**Judas:** Okay, I’m done

**Simon:** Change your shirt after you’re done smoking through that package of cigarettes that you’re undoubtedly working your way through. There’s no point in giving Jesus something else to get annoyed over

**Judas:** I don’t have to accommodate to his petty needs

**Simon:** I would agree with you if it weren’t for the fact that you’re equally good at being petty. Might I remind you of the big jealousy fest of 2019? And while we’re on the topic, your communication skills suck as well

**Judas:** I’m not a passive aggressive little bitch

**Simon:** No, you’re just normal aggressive. It takes two people to keep a fight going

**Judas:** You should know

**Simon:** Of course, I’m the self-crowned king of fights. Anyway, I don’t really care how often the two of you decide to get into fights, but it would be great if the rest of us weren’t in the middle of it. Just go back to screaming at each other or whatever you need to do to out your frustrations

**Judas:** Shouldn’t you say we should cut it off or some shit like that?

**Simon:** While that would be ideal, I want to remain realistic and I honestly don’t see that happening in the near future. You’re both aggressive drama queens

**Judas:** Watch it, that’s me and my boyfriend you’re talking about

**Simon:** Judas, my friend, you could be crowned king and queen of the world and it still wouldn’t change the facts

**Judas:** Ass

**Simon:** Now that we’ve agreed on that, do me a favour and either keep your fights out of the main group chat or go to couple therapy or something

**Judas:** Couple therapy? Seriously?

**Simon:** Whatever you need to feel good about your relationship. I don’t judge

**Judas:** One of these days I will strangle you

**Simon:** You’re going to have to convince almighty Death to take me first

**Judas:** I will

PM between Mary and Jesus

_16:03_

**Mary:** Hey, do you have time to talk?

**Jesus:** Yeah, sure, what is it?

**Mary:** You and Judas need to cut it off with making things uncomfortable in the group

**Jesus:** What?

**Mary:** Frankly, I don’t think the amount of fighting you two do is healthy at all, but I know that’s none of my business. But these guys look up to you and things like these don’t lie well with them at all

**Jesus:** No one has seemed to mind up until now

**Mary:** Yes they do. They’re just good at hiding it. John already doesn’t say an awful lot so no one notices when he hardly chimes in at all. Peter feels obliged to pick your side even when he disagrees which makes him feel guilty. Simon already acts like nothing can ever bother him and James always puts other people’s comfort over his own. There’s currently a groupchat without the two of you. So no, you’re not going to notice it, but is this really the behaviour you want to stimulate in your friends?

**Jesus:** No. Then what would you have me do?

**Mary:** Well maybe for starters don’t freak out over a mixer

**Jesus:** It was a new mixer that I worked really hard to get

**Mary:** It’s still just a mixer. I sincerely doubt Judas took the thing and purposely threw it on the ground

**Jesus:** He didn’t. It’s not just the mixer. It’s just a lot of little things that keep adding up

**Mary:** Look, I know it’s none of my business. But if you’re not ready to move in together yet, why do you keep semi permanently living together? Because to be honest, I don’t think it’s doing either of you any favours

**Jesus:** You may be right. I hate this

**Mary:** I know and I’m sorry for bringing it up, but someone had to

**Jesus:** No, you’re right. Thank you for bringing it up. I’ll think about it

New group

_16:25_

**_Jesus_ ** _added **Simon** to this group_

**_Jesus_ ** _added **James** to this group_

**Jesus:** Hey, would the two of you mind if I asked some questions about your living arrangements? Because I’m trying to figure out my situation with Judas regarding that

**James:** Of course not

**Simon:** Go right ahead

**Jesus:** When do you decide to move back to your own place? For more than just a day I mean. Because for us there’s usually at least a fight required for that to happen

**James:** Usually when either of us feels reluctant to go home and/or isn’t comfortable there anymore

**Simon:** He says ‘either of us’ but he really just means me

**James:** True. I usually get on Simon’s nerves earlier than he does on mine

**Simon:** You know when being around someone is suffocating and you feel restless? Right before every little thing they do starts to become annoying? That’s the moment to leave

**James:** Yeah, don’t wait until you get properly riled up, buddy. That’s just problems waiting to happen

**Jesus:** James, don’t you mind when Simon kicks you out/leaves?

**James:** No. Though that may be the difference between a romantic relationship and a whatever the fuck we have

**Simon:** Are you suggesting no one minds when the two of you fight like hell and kick each other out?

**Jesus:** Of course we do

**Simon:** Then skip the fighting and get right to the kicking each other out part

**James:** Of course you have to make clear agreements and such about it and tell the other on time if it’s time to each go back to their own place, but sounds to me like it’s preferable over fighting

**Jesus:** That’s true. How do you decide when to temporarily move in together again?

**Simon:** Step 1: hook up, step 2: be too lazy to leave. Congratulations, you’re now living together for an undetermined amount of time

**James:** Though in your situation you could also probably just send a text and suggest it. In all honesty, there are probably more things that require fine tuning because your relationship is fundamentally different from ours

**Jesus:** Without a doubt, but this is a good place to start. Thank you

PM between Judas and Jesus

_17:02_

**Jesus:** We should probably talk

**Judas:** Try again tomorrow

**Jesus:** Alright

We didn’t start the fire

_17:03_

**Jesus:** I still expect those cookies before 22:00

**Simon:** Any chance that plastic is an allowed ingredient?

**Jesus:** No. Please throw those away

**Simon:** In that case I’ll with a heavy heart have to announce my withdrawal from this competition

**James:** Nice

**Simon:** I feel obliged to warn you that I’m not bound to the no-murder rule anymore

**James:** Fuck

**Peter:** Am I the only one who didn’t completely ruin their cookies?

**John:** No, mine turned out pretty well

**Mary:** Mine are… decent

**John:** Didn’t you learn James how to cook?

**Mary:** Yes, but cooking isn’t the same as baking. And easy semi-pre-made cinnamon roles are a lot easier to make than cookies, apparently. Shouldn’t have made them from scratch

**James:** Look at it from the bright side: they can’t possibly be worse than Simon’s

**Simon:** Or James’

**James:** They’re decent

**Simon:** They’re tolerable and that’s as far as I’m willing to go

**Peter:** Now I’m curious, please send a picture

**James:** [Picture attachment: a tray of questionable looking cookies that hold no shape whatsoever]

**Mary:** Yep, mine are better

**James:** Glad I could help you boost your confidence

James doesn’t want to get a girl

_17:57_

**Simon:** Time to restore order

**_Simon_** _removed **Mary**_ _from this chat_

**_Simon_** _removed **John** from this chat_

**Peter:** Are you really adjusting an already useless chat?

**James:** How are you still surprised?

**Peter:** …yeah, good point

**Simon:** No, this has a reason. Firstly, I’m still demanding every update about you and Mary and secondly, why don’t you want us telling anyone?

**James:** Okay, he has a good point. Why?

**Peter:** I don’t know. I think I want to wait until things are a bit more secure? And it’s a bit awkward. What with Jesus and no one ever announcing their relationships anyway

**James:** Fair enough

We didn’t start the fire

_18:26_

**Simon:** Anyone who wants to grab pizza and get drunk beyond reason?

**Judas:** Yes

**James:** I’m going to let this one slide

**Jesus:** Me too

**John:** I’m in

**Peter:** Alright, why not

**Mary:** Yes for the pizza, no for the getting drunk

**Simon:** Whatever makes you happy. Let’s meet up at Craft Pizza in about 10 minutes


	6. Shots, shots, shots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As someone who has never been drunk or hungover before, I have no qualifications to write this. But that didn't stop me

We didn’t start the fire

_June 15, 00:24_

**Mary:** I’m seriously regretting some life decisions

**James:** It can’t be that bad, considering the lack of drunk texts

**Mary:** Oh no, I took everyone’s phones once inappropriate twitter messages were made

**Jesus:** Smart

**James:** How can you rob us of drunk messages?

**Mary:** Fine, I’ll give John and Peter their phones back. But Simon is currently too busy standing on a table arguing with a stranger and I’ve lost Judas for like the third time in the past half hour

**Jesus:** How did you manage to do that?

**Mary:** It’s pretty busy here and he’s actively looking for a fight

**Jesus:** Right. Please keep an eye on him

**Mary:** I’m trying my best, but please realise I am babysitting 6 kids here

**James:** Where did you get the other 2?

**Mary:** Simon and Judas both count for two

**James:** …You know, that’s fair

**John:** Greetings my wonderful friends! The sun is bright, the sky is happy and the flowers are blooming

**James:** It’s literally night out and you’re in the middle of a city

**John:** Oh sure, destroy my dreams, why don’t you?

**Mary:** I hope you’re happy

**John:** Mary hates happy

**Peter:** Mary is pretty

**Mary:** Thanks

**James:** Wow, Mary, I can see that it’s really tough being there

**Mary:** If it was just John and Peter, this would be very doable. But sadly, I also have to deal with this:

**Mary:** [picture attachment: Simon standing on a table, clearly yelling at someone]

**Peter:** He likes to be tall

**John:** Everyone should be taller

**Peter:** Stilts?

**John:** Stilts

**Peter:** I now advocate stilts for everyone

**Jesus:** Wouldn’t that defeat the point?

**John:** Shut up already tall person

**Peter:** Only if you shorten your legs you may join in our fight for equal height

**John:** Hehe. Fight for height

**James:** Yeah, Jesus, take one for the team. Chop off a bit of your legs

**Jesus:** I think I’m fine

**John:** Coward

**Mary:** Is there a good way to prevent Simon from physically fighting?

**James:** Just knock him out cold

**Jesus:** Or just take him away from whoever he’s fighting? Is this too reasonable a suggestion?

**James:** Clearly

**Mary:** I would really rather not get in the middle of a fight. But luckily for me, Judas already turned out the lights

**Jesus:** You’re kidding me

**Mary:** Not one bit

**James:** I’ll come pick him up

**Mary:** Thanks. Do you mind taking John as well? I think he’s had one shot too many

**James:** Sure thing

**Peter:** John owes me a spaceship

**Jesus:** Alright, I’ll bite. What for?

**Peter:** For going to the moon of course!

**Jesus:** Don’t know why I didn’t think of that myself

_3:15_

**Mary:** I’ve dropped Judas and Peter off at their respective apartments with sufficient painkillers to survive the morning

_11:20_

**Simon:** No amount of painkillers is sufficient. The light is harsh, the world is evil, the sounds of the world are too cruel for my ear

**Mary:** That’s really your fault for getting completely hammered and getting in at least 8 arguments. I’ve counted

**Simon:** Eight? Nice

**John:** Why do I owe Peter a spaceship? How did that even happen?

**Peter:** I don’t know, but I want it

**Mary:** From what I gathered, you did a game of who could drink the most shots. But I don’t think either of you were still capable of counting, so please don’t ask me how the winner was determined

**John:** Peter, you’re not getting a spaceship from me

**Peter:** Sad

_12:04_

**Judas:** I absolutely hate to agree with Simon on literally anything, but he has a point about the painkillers not being sufficient

**Mary:** Be glad I left you anything at all

**Simon:** You didn’t leave me anything. I’m sensing favouritism

**James:** I literally just stuffed painkillers down your throat

**Simon:** I know and I thank you for it, but that does not disprove my hunch

**John:** Quit complaining. No one left me anything nor did anyone stuff anything down my throat. I had to go out to the grocery store for some small relieve

**Simon:** You are officially the bravest of them all

**James:** Fuck, sorry, I assumed you had some laying around

**John:** So did I. It was a rude awakening

**Jesus:** I really don’t see why you’re complaining. You knew full well the consequences of getting drunk

**Peter:** Complaining about minor things is kind of fun

**Mary:** There are already too many useless group chats. Why don’t you make one for complaining?

**Simon:** Suffer with us

James doesn’t want to get a girl

_12:26_

**James:** Hey, Peter, did you already read back what you guys wrote yesterday evening?

**Peter:** I don’t think I can handle the mortification right now

**Simon:** This better be worth increasing my headache

**Simon:** Yes. That was very worth it

**Peter:** Do I even want to know?

**James:** Probably not

**Peter:** Oh no. I read it. Why did I say that? Why did you convince Mary to give me my phone?

**James:** Because that was highly amusing

**Peter:** If that’s what I said over text, can you imagine what I may have said to her in person? We were alone in a car together!

**Simon:** Peter, my friend, it was nice knowing you

**Peter:** I’ll be moving to Antarctica now, goodbye

**James:** Buddy, chill, you’re literally dating. And it’s Mary. I think she can handle a few drunken compliments

**Simon:** Unless your drunk talk is similar to James’, which is enough to turn off any sensible person

**James:** Hey! It’s still enough to turn you on

**Simon:** Hence the specification of ‘sensible persons’

We didn’t start the fire

_13:11_

**James:** So who won the admin rights?

**Jesus:** Oh, right, I had almost forgotten about that. It was really only close between John and Peter to be honest, but John won. Though I must say that the kids enjoyed all the cookies

**James:** Not even that surprised to be honest

**_James_ ** _has added **John** as admin_

**_James_ ** _has removed **James** as admin_

**John:** Wait, does this mean I can change the group name?

**James:** You’re the admin, buddy, you can do whatever you want

**_John_ ** _renamed group **The twelve**_

**Judas:** Creative

**Simon:** And thus a great era comes to its regrettable end

**Peter:** Finally a decent name

**James:** Wait. John. You can change the group icon. Please change the group icon

**John:** I don’t really feel compelled to do that

**James:** What? Why not?

**John:** I’ve gotten used to this one. And I like the irony of your lack of cooking abilities having lost you the admin rights

**Mary:** In that case you should use the picture of Simon’s cookies

**John:** Oh, good one

**_John_ ** _has changed this group’s icon_

**James:** Nice

**Simon:** …I admit. I deserve that

**Judas:** Have you been replaced with a clone?

**Simon:** Not that I’m aware of

**Judas:** Sad

PM between Judas and Jesus

_14:47_

**Jesus:** Are you in the physical state to talk?

_15:00_

**Jesus:** Judas?

**Judas:** Yeah, yeah, sure. This better not be about your stupid mixer

**Jesus:** It’s not really

**Judas:** Then what is it about?

**Jesus:** It’s about us living together. Or. Whatever it is we’re currently doing

**Judas:** What about it?

**Jesus:** I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t think the way we’re doing it right now is working. There are just too many fights. It’s not healthy like this. And I love living together with you, but not like this. I’m not saying we should stop entirely, but I think it’s best if we go back to our own places earlier than we do now. For which we should establish some rules first

_Read 15:18_

_15:42_

**Judas:** You’re probably right

**Jesus:** I hate it too

**Judas:** Whatever. What rules do you propose?

**Jesus:** Maybe it’s better if we talk that over in person. Can I come over?

**Judas:** Sure, as long as you keep your comments to yourself

**Jesus:** I will. I’ll be there in a few minutes


	7. The Riot

The twelve

_June 17, 7:41_

**Mary:** Before we all go out, I’d like to remind everyone that the bail fund is empty at the moment. In case someone planned to get arrested

**Simon:** You never plan to get arrested, it just happens

**Mary:** Then don’t let it happen

_8:15_

**Simon:** I will personally drag out of bed anyone who even thinks about not showing up

**James:** Don’t think he won’t. I can attest to the fact he will

**Judas:** Good luck getting through a locked door

**Simon:** You have windows. Windows can be broken

**Jesus:** Simon, that’s breaking in and that’s illegal. Please don’t give anyone a reason to think about arresting you before any protests have started

**Simon:** Don’t give me a reason to give anyone else a reason

_13:21_

**James:** Hey, Mary, how serious were you about the bail fund being empty?

**Mary:** Very, why?

**James:** Just got a call from Simon, he got himself arrested

**Jesus:** Shit. Is he okay?

**James:** He sounded fine enough, but it’s Simon so who knows

**Jesus:** Is anyone else there as far as you know? Is everyone else okay?

**James:** Yeah, there were at least three others, but Simon didn’t recognise them. I’m fine, just trying to figure out where the fuck I’m supposed to find 3000 bucks. Or well, 2000. Currently on my way to his place to grab the money he’s got laying around there

**John:** I’m fine. What on earth did he do?

**James:** Beat up one of the guards apparently

**Jesus:** Why?

**James:** I didn’t get the full story because of time restrictions. But you know how the crowd got split up? You must have been lucky, cause we were completely surrounded by the guards. It was a fucking mess

**Peter:** I can confirm. I’m fine, but I will have a giant bruise come morning

**Mary:** It’s all over the news now as well

**Jesus:** Has anyone seen Judas or heard from him?

**Judas:** Calm your tits, I’m alive

PM between James and John

_13:37_

**John:** Hey, are you alright?

**James:** Yes, I just said I’m fine

**John:** I meant mentally. You seem really stressed out, which is saying a lot considering we’re talking about you

**James:** Oh. I don’t know, I’m mostly just really worried

**John:** That’s understandable, but didn’t you say Simon sounded fine on the phone?

**James:** Yes, but it’s Simon. He will sound fine until he’s too unconscious to talk at all. Remember that fight he got into last week?

**John:** Yeah?

**James:** Well, he said he just had a broken nose and a split lip. And then I managed to pry from him that he also had bruised ribs and a few bruises. Turns out he also had a mild concussion and his definition of ‘a few bruises’ is most of his torso currently being blue and purple

**John:** I see your point, but getting yourself worked up over it isn’t going to help anyone

**James:** I don’t know what else to do

**John:** Calm down, for starters. How much money do you have right now?

**James:** 1300

**John:** Alright, I don’t have an awful lot, but it’s better than nothing. I’m sure some of the others are willing to chip in as well. How about I come over and we’ll look over the options together? Are you at your own place?

**James:** Yes. Thanks

The twelve

_14:07_

**John:** Is anyone capable of lending some money?

**Mary:** How much do you still need?

**James:** 1500

**Mary:** Well, I don’t have that, but I can definitely lend you a couple hundred

**Judas:** Yeah, crazy suggestion: we can just leave the fuck to deal with his own shit for a change. Don’t see why we constantly have to solve it

**James:** Because he’s our friend

**Judas:** So? Just cause you guys hook up regularly doesn’t mean the rest of us feel any special obligation to him

**James:** I’m fairly sure I will need two hands to count the times you’ve done exactly the same

**Judas:** Doesn’t change the fact that leaving the shit to realise actions have consequences is not a bad idea

**James:** Look, I don’t fucking need to you loan anything if you’re so repulsed by it. I was just asking. It wouldn’t hurt for you to keep your fucking mouth shut every now and then. We get it, you hate everyone. Who cares that Simon never hesitates to help anyone else? Or that he helped with your relationship bullshit twice last week? Screw all that apparently. I personally don’t want to give the pharisees any excuse to just keep him there for however long they feel like it, but by all means, don’t give a shit if that’s what floats your fucking boat. Just do so in silence

_14:24_

**Judas:** Fine, I’ve got some money laying around that I won’t need in the immediate future anyway

**James:** Thanks

**Peter:** We can split it between the three of us? 500 each?

**Judas:** Sure

**Mary:** I can do that

**James:** Fuck guys, thanks. John and I are going to pick him up now

_15:21_

**James:** Fucking bureaucracy, this is taking forever

_15:45_

**Simon:** My friends, I thank you for your generosity and will pay you back as soon as possible

**Mary:** Maybe don’t get arrested next time

**Jesus:** Maybe don’t hit guards next time

**Simon:** I will once they stop harassing innocent people

**Judas:** So never

**Simon:** Probably

**Mary:** Are you okay though?

**Simon:** Of course

**Peter:** Do James and John agree?

**James:** All things considering, it’s not nearly as bad as it could have been

**Peter:** Meaning?

**Simon:** I’m indestructible after all

**James:** He’s mostly fine, nothing that painkillers and sleep won’t be able to fix

**Simon:** Sleep does sound like a gift from the heavens right now

**Peter:** What?

**Simon:** I’ve been running on energy drinks and coffee since 23:00

**Jesus:** Are you telling me you haven’t slept at all since yesterday morning after two already short nights?

**Simon:** Yes

**Jesus:** Simon, please, you only have one body. Be careful with it

**Simon:** I’m simply using it to its fullest

**Mary:** That’s… that’s not how it works

**Judas:** Just give up, you know it’s useless

_15:54_

**Peter:** Have you guys checked the news yet?

**Mary:** Not since I got home, why?

**Jesus:** How bad is it?

**Peter:** It’s not bad at all. It’s actually pretty good

**Peter:** [picture attachments: several screenshots of media sites posting critical articles about the Roman rule]

**Simon:** Hell yeah! Worth it

**Judas:** This is going to give a backlash

**John:** You could really do with some optimism

**Judas:** I’m just stating the facts

**Jesus:** We just need to lay low a bit if that happens. At least I haven’t seen any of our names mentioned anywhere

**Judas:** Whatever you say

**James:** Loosen up, buddy

**Mary:** I will personally come over to strangle you if you suggest getting drinks

**James:** Fuck. Anyone else brave enough to suggest it?

**Peter:** Wasn’t John crowned the bravest?

**John:** Yes and while I bear that title with pride, I don’t really feel like getting drinks at the moment

**Simon:** Coward

**Peter:** I don’t see you suggesting anything either

**Simon:** I actually did suggest it out loud, but both James and John looked ready to murder me

**John:** Coward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in the list of chapters I do not have the qualifications to write. I know literally nothing about the technicalities of bails, so I'm regarding this as a 'congratulations, you paid a ridiculous amount, you're free to go, case closed' thing. That's more than enough for the purpose of this fic


	8. Meet Octavius

PM between James and Simon

_June 18, 9:10_

**James:** Please save me. Jesus is in one of his moods

_10:27_

**Simon:** James, my friend, that really sounds like your problem

**James:** So much for moral support

**Simon:** It’s really your mistake asking for it this early

**James:** It’s past 10. You’ve slept for over 12 hours

**Simon:** I really don’t see your point

**James:** …yeah, you’re right, it was a stupid point. Don’t know what I was thinking

**James:** By the way, I picked up some painkillers this morning. They’re in the kitchen

**Simon:** Thanks

**James:** You’re all out of bread though

**Simon:** I’ll figure something out

**James:** Please don’t make cereal with soda or something

**Simon:** I don’t have any milk though. I do have rum, does that fall under ‘something’?

**James:** YES, IT DOES

**Simon:** Boring. Dry cereal it is

**James:** Not going to lie, I’m surprised you even have cereal

**Simon:** You and me both

**James:** It has passed its expiration date, hasn’t it?

**Simon:** Yes, but it doesn’t have mould and therefor is edible

**James:** Okay, I’m officially picking up food before I go home. All the trouble I go through and a little bit of sympathy is still too much to ask for

**Simon:** Maybe if you close your eyes you can imagine that I’m sympathetically patting your shoulder

**James:** When’s the last time you’ve done that without sarcasm? Have you ever done that without sarcasm?

**Simon:** Yes, it was the winter of 1738. I remember it as though it were yesterday

**James:** Of fucking course. I’m a good person. Look at all I’ve done. Why is this my thanks?

**Simon:** Quit complaining and I’ll thank you when you get home

**James:** That sounds more like it

The twelve

_12:19_

**Peter:** They should do background checks on people wanting to buy plants. My co-worker has 3 dead succulents, this is just sad

**John:** They could’ve died accidentally

**Peter:** With anyone else maybe. She’s nice, but I wouldn’t trust her with a cactus. It’s a miracle she’s kept herself alive for as long as she has

**James:** Oh, those people. I know those people

**Simon:** I’ll have you know I have a three-year-old healthy Boston fern

**James:** Since when?

**Judas:** Reread that sentence and take a wild guess

**Jesus:** Are you sure it’s a Boston fern? Those things are incredibly tricky to take care of

**Simon:** [picture attachment: a healthy-looking Boston fern seated on top of a bookshelf]

**Simon:** Meet Octavius

**Jesus:** That is indeed a Boston fern

**James:** WAIT YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT THING IS REAL?

**Simon:** Yes

**James:** I’VE SPEND AT LEAST TWO YEARS THINKING IT WAS FAKE. I’VE BEEN LIVING A LIE

**Peter:** How on earth did you look at that and assume it was fake?

**John:** They sell pretty convincing fake plants nowadays

**James:** Exactly. Was I really supposed to assume that the dude who wanted to make cereal with rum this morning is capable of maintaining a plant?

**Peter:** Good point

**Simon:** Wow. I’m hurt

**Mary:** Am I the only one wondering why it has a name?

**John:** Somehow, that part was the least surprising

**Peter:** No, she has a point

**John:** Typical, siding with your girlfriend like that

PM between James and John

_12:53_

**James:** I will murder you

**John:** Worth it

James doesn’t want to get a girl

_12:54_

**Peter:** Please tell me that was just John being John and not John actually knowing anything

**Simon:** I would happily tell you that, but do you really want to live a lie?

**Peter:** You guys told him?

**Simon:** James did, I’m innocent

**James:** In my defence, I only told him cause we had to get Simon out of custody which took forever and we were getting bored

**Peter:** Why did I think you were the least likely to run your mouth?

**James:** A lapse in judgement probably

**Peter:** Now it won’t take long before Judas and Jesus know as well

**Simon:** I give it four days

**James:** Three

**Peter:** You are not going to bet over this

**Simon:** Fine

PM between Simon and James

_13:01_

**Simon:** So, under four days, you win, four or more and I win?

**James:** Yes, but we’re not betting for money, cause you can’t afford that at the moment

**Simon:** Alas, you are right. High class whiskey against high class weed?

**James:** Deal

James doesn’t want to get a girl

_13:03_

**Simon:** Does this mean I can add John to this chat?

**Peter:** Sure, why not

**_Simon_ ** _added **John** to this chat_

**John:** Wasn’t this the chat that was made for stupid reasons?

**James:** ‘Stupid reasons’ is Peter dating Mary and us demanding regular updates

**John:** Sound like good reasons to me

**Peter:** Please don’t tell Judas and Jesus

**John:** I won’t

**John:** So, what’s up with the group title?

**Simon:** You’re right, that will need fixing now

**_Simon_ ** _renamed group **James and John don’t want to get a girl**_

**James:** You’d think there would be a maximum amount of characters for the names

**Simon:** There is and I’m toeing the line, but I’m not there yet. Luckily everyone else who could end up here is totally fine with getting a girl, so I don’t think there will be a problem

**John:** Executive days gone without a ridiculous group title in my message list: 3. This may be a new record

**James:** If you had kept your mouth shut like you said you would, you would still be without ridiculous group titles

**John:** Yes, but consider this: up until now there has been no opportunity to make girlfriend/boyfriend jokes. You and Simon aren’t dating and Judas and Jesus are too prickly for jokes like those

**Peter:** What made you think I was the perfect victim?

**John:** Beggars can’t be choosers

**Peter:** Ugh, fine. But can you please wait with it? Because we haven’t actually defined it or anything. We’ve only been on one date so far

**John:** Oh, I didn’t know that part. Yes, of course!

**Peter:** Thank you

**James:** Speaking of which, is that second date ever going to happen?

**Peter:** Yes, tonight actually. Completely forgot to tell you guys

**James:** Good luck in advance!

**Simon:** Your negligence to tell us is rude, but I’ll let it slide this once

**_Peter_ ** _has left the chat_

**_Simon_** _added_ **_Peter_** _to the chat_

**Peter:** It was worth a try

The twelve

_13:44_

**Judas:** So did you finally succumb to the urge to kill John?

**Peter:** Yes

**Mary:** It was team effort

**John:** If I promise to not make comments like that again, may I live?

**Mary:** Hmm, I don’t know. Peter, what do you think?

**Peter:** This once maybe

**Mary:** Alright then

**John:** Thank you

**Mary:** But you’re on thin ice

_17:49_

**James:** [Picture attachment: an open fridge with inside 3 bottles of mountain dew, 2 six packs red bull, a few beer bottles, 1 brown and black banana and a small stack of microwave meals]

**James:** Someone please explain to me how the owner of this fridge can keep a plant alive

**Simon:** Plants only need water and sunlight, neither of which are stored in the fridge

**Peter:** I know I have asked it before, but I have to ask it again: how are you not suffering from a nutrient deficiency?

**Jesus:** Or suffering from a salt overdose? Those microwave meals contain way too much salt

**Simon:** I raid James’ fridge every so often

**Judas:** You know you’ve reached pathetic rock bottom when you have to depend on James’ cooking skills

_18:17_

**James:** Hey! My cooking isn’t that bad

**Judas:** It is said that a good come-back relies on timing

**James:** Shut up

**John:** Didn’t you blow up your kitchen last week?

**James:** That was while baking bread. I am in fact capable of making the average dinner

**John:** And the burned water?

**James:** That was above average!

**Judas:** Face the facts, your cooking sucks

**James:** Fine, it’s not great, but no one who has had to eat it has high standards

**Judas:** Or any standards at all

**James:** Maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna say real quick that your comments have given me life XD I initially didn't expect anyone to be reading this
> 
> Also, if there's something you'd like to see (drama, a particular group/set of people talking to each other, a relationship/friendship more explored, ect) just tell me in the comments! If I like it and it fits, I will try to write it in!


	9. Movie Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short, since I'm trying to keep up this posting every day thing, but I had some other stuff I wanted to do. Nonetheless I hope you enjoy! And I tried to add in more Judas (I swear I love him, he's just tricky to write in group situations. Same for Jesus)

James and John don’t want to get a girl

_June 19, 9:19_

**Peter:** Apparently after Mary asked me out the first time, she told Judas. He has known the entire time

**John:** So what you’re really saying is that Jesus is the only one who doesn’t know yet?

**James:** What are the odds that Jesus doesn’t know if Judas knows?

**John:** Good point

**James:** Well, I think we can all agree that took less than four days

**Simon:** We’re now talking about negative time, which definitely falls out of the scope of the bet

**Peter:** I really really want to be surprised that you betted on it anyway, but I’m not. Though I do have to point out that Simon owes everyone but Jesus money

**Simon:** I am well aware, which is why we didn’t bet for money. I’m insulted you would suggest it

**_Simon_** _added **Judas**_ _to the chat_

**James:** This group is becoming more redundant with every passing day

**Judas:** Do I even want to know what this is supposed to be?

**Peter:** I don’t know anymore

**John:** Hey, Judas, did you tell Jesus that Mary and Peter are dating?

**Judas:** Yes, why?

**James:** This chat is officially redundant

**Peter:** Does that mean I can leave now?

**Simon:** Absolutely not

**Peter:** Why not?

**Simon:** Because I said so

**Judas:** Alright, I scrolled back to find an explanation and I would like to point out that you’re all huge idiots

**James:** We know

**John:** I’m surprised you didn’t try to leave the chat upon drawing that conclusion

**Judas:** I would, but Simon would add me right back in

**Simon:** Very true

**Judas:** Besides, I don’t really have anything better to do at the moment

**James:** Am I the only one who gives a fuck that we’re only two people short from having the main group chat?

**Simon:** Yes

**John:** Apparently

**James:** …Alright then

**Simon:** Would it make you happy if I added them in as well?

**James:** I would literally kill you

**John:** That would make my hard-earned admin rights completely useless!

**Simon:** You people are so hard to please

**Judas:** Sucks to be you

_9:51_

**John:** Hey, Peter, have you died of mortification?

**Peter:** How did you know?

**John:** Wild guess

**Judas:** Just for your information: Jesus really didn’t give a flying fuck

**James:** Yeah, buddy, I think everyone saw it coming

**Peter:** I really should get over myself

**Judas:** You should

**James:** Hey, Judas, please tell me you turned gay overnight

**Judas:** I didn’t and I have a boyfriend, in case that somehow fled your brain

**James:** I know, I just hoped Simon could be forced to change the group title to something normal

**John:** And that was the way you decided to go about it? Really?

**Peter:** You really sounded like a desperate gay there

**James:** Please, I’ve had a maximum of three hours of sleep. My brain isn’t functioning properly

**John:** Do we want to know why?

**James:** I was watching Lord of the Rings. All of them. Extended edition

**Simon:** Let the record show that this is the same person who criticises my sleep schedule

**Judas:** I’m surprised there is a schedule to criticise

**John:** So you were really just holding a movie marathon and not inviting the rest of us?

**Peter:** I can’t believe it

**James:** Peter, you were literally on a date

**Peter:** You still could have invited me. It’s the thought that counts

**James:** Ugh, fine

The twelve

_10:35_

**James:** Anyone up for movie night?

**Peter:** Yes, but not almost 10 hours’ worth of movies

**James:** Agreed. Any suggestions?

**Mary:** Peter hasn’t seen the Lion King yet

**James:** You’re kidding right?

**Mary:** I wish I was

**James:** Well, that settles it

**Judas:** Are we really going to watch a Disney movie?

**John:** Someone needs to educate Peter

**Peter:** Is it too late to say I have plans?

**James:** Yes

**Mary:** If all of us are joining in, shall I host? Considering the fact that I actually have enough sitting space for all of us

**Simon:** As much as I would love to waste a night on the Lion King, I’m afraid I can’t

**James:** Since when do you have plans?

**Simon:** Half an hour ago

**Mary:** Is everyone else coming?

**John:** I am

**Judas:** Fine

**James:** I’ll ask Jesus once he’s rid himself of the most annoying customer of the decade

**John:** Sounds like you’re hiding

**James:** I can’t help it. It’s my self-perseverance kicking in

**Judas:** There is no way you have more sense of self-perseverance than Jesus

**James:** Of course not, but she wanted to talk to him, so he can’t hide

PM between Mary and Jesus

_11:04_

**Mary:** Hey, are you okay? Heard you were acting a bit off

_11:23_

**Jesus:** I think so. Things are a bit weird with Judas at the moment. We’ve changed our living arrangements, but it doesn’t feel quite right yet

**Mary:** These things are really tricky to figure out. I would have been surprised if you got it right on the first try

**Jesus:** Hmm. Don’t really know what to do with the movie night

**Mary:** Honestly, I think you should come. If nothing else, it’s going to be fun, but it’s also a pretty save way to see how things go between you and Judas

**Jesus:** That’s true. Alright, I’ll come

**Jesus:** How are things with you and Peter?

**Mary:** They’re really good. We found out yesterday that between the two of us we accidentally told all of you. Though I must say I’m glad about it. Makes it feel a bit more… real? If you know what I mean

**Jesus:** I think I do. You two fit together

**Mary:** Thanks


	10. Strawberries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Simon has a slightly shady job in the liqour trading business  
> Peter occasionally volunteers at a pet shelter

PM between Jesus and Simon

_12:26_

**Jesus:** Does James have any allergies that you know of?

**Simon:** Strawberries. Perfect if for some sadistic reason you want him to live in the bathroom for a day. And technically apples, but he still eats those most of the time because he claims it’s worth a small throat itch or something like that

**Jesus:** Apples? Really?

**Simon:** Yeah, I don’t get it either. If there’s one kind of fruit I can live without, it’s apples, but James seems to disagree

**Jesus:** To be fair, apples are pretty easy to come by

**Simon:** So are several other types of fruit that he’s not allergic to. Don’t try to find the reason, there’s none

**Jesus:** Trust me, with most instances I’ve given up trying to find reason

**Simon:** Smart

**Jesus:** By the way, do you need help paying everyone back?

**Simon:** No, that’s alright. James already said he doesn’t need it back anytime soon. I made some extra deals and I’m going to meet up with some rich kids tonight who are undoubtedly going to pay way too much for their alcohol, so with a bit of luck I’ll have John’s bit by the end of the week

**Jesus:** Profiting off of people’s ignorance aside, that still leaves you the 1500 that Mary, Peter and Judas loaned you. Plus whatever James loaned you, since ‘not anytime soon’ isn’t never

**Simon:** I know. I’ll figure something out

**Jesus:** I really don’t mind, as long as next time you think twice before hitting a guard

**Simon:** Look, I know everyone wants me to regret my actions and such, but they were literally hitting children. Things went to shit, but the kids got away. You’ll have to forgive me for having no regrets

**Jesus:** I suppose that’s fair enough

**Simon:** I know

**Jesus:** I still don’t mind helping out. I have time to spare

**Simon:** Since when do you have time to spare?

**Jesus:** Apparently living alone saves a lot of time. Something you forgot to disclose

**Simon:** You must be doing living alone wrong, my friend

**Jesus:** Alright, how about you tell me how I’m supposed to live alone correctly and you’ll let me help you out?

**Simon:** …Fine

**Jesus:** Do you have time to call?

**Simon:** Sure, as long as you don’t mind that I’m doing something else in the meantime

**Jesus:** Since I was going to say the same, I don’t think I’m allowed to mind

PM between Peter and Mary

_14:35_

**Peter:** Do you guys by any chance take arachnids at the clinic?

**Mary:** Sometimes, why?

**Peter:** I was on the beach and I picked up a scorpion that isn’t looking too good

**Mary:** You picked up a scorpion?

**Peter:** Yes, he looked cute

**Mary:** You know, most people when they go to the beach pick up seashells

**Peter:** Well, I was actually just walking a dog and the dog found him. It’s not like I actively went looking for it. And seashells are boring anyway

**Mary:** That’s true, bring him in and I’ll see for myself how cute he really is

**Peter:** Alright, I’ll drop off the dog first and then I’ll come to the clinic

The twelve

_16:46_

**Peter:** How dead set are we on the Lion King?

**John:** Very

**James:** You can’t talk yourself out of it

**John:** Be educated

**Peter:** I need new friends

**Simon:** What do you have against the Lion King?

**Peter:** Nothing specifically, I just can’t believe we’re going to waste an evening on a Disney movie?

**Mary:** Did you just suggest Disney is a waste? I may have to reconsider this whole dating thing

**Simon:** I think we all need to reconsider our connections to Peter

**Peter:** I just don’t have a nostalgic connection to it! The way you guys reacted to me not having seen the Lion King, I’m sure you’ll faint when I tell you the other movies that I haven’t seen

**John:** Tell us

**Peter:** The list of the ones I have seen is shorter actually

**James:** Spit it out

**Peter:** I’ve seen Snow White, maybe Dumbo, the Little Mermaid, I believe I’ve seen that animated Rapunzel movie, the new Cinderella movie and I feel I’ve seen enough ads and such of Frozen that I must have seen the entire movie by now

**Simon:** It’s worse than I could have imagined. Such a sad and bleak life you must lead

**Peter:** Not really

**James:** Everyone, name your favourite Disney movie so we can force Peter to watch them all. Mine is the Black Cauldron

**Simon:** Lion King, though Moana was pretty damn cool

**Mary:** Lilo and Stitch by far

**John:** It’s actually the Little Mermaid, but since Peter has already seen that one, I’m going to say Sleeping Beauty

**Jesus:** Probably Oliver and Company

**Judas:** Beauty and the Beast

**Peter:** There’s no way I won’t have watched them all by the end of the month, is there?

**John:** No

PM between Simon and James

_19:11_

**James:** SIMON, DID YOU TELL JESUS I’M ALLERGIC FOR STRAWBERRIES?

**Simon:** Yes, why?

**James:** He made muffins

**Simon:** You may want to elaborate on that

**James:** STRAWBERRY MUFFINS

**Simon:** Well that’s bad luck for you

**James:** It’s because of the customer, I just know it

**Simon:** So, cowardice doesn’t get rewarded. It is nice to have that question answered after all these years philosophising on it

**James:** One of these days I’m going to replace you with some tall ripped dude who isn’t a rude idiot

**Simon:** That’s not even your type

**James:** I don’t care, I’ll still do it

**Simon:** But then who is going to stop me from telling Jesus everything you’re not allergic to but that still disgusts you?

**James:** …Ugh fine, you can stay

**Simon:** Wonderful

**James:** This is like the Great Raisin War all over again

**Simon:** We don’t talk about the Great Raisin War. Don’t even suggest its return. I may not be allergic to strawberries but I can’t handle madness like that ever again

**James:** Yeah, me neither

**Simon:** Then don’t evoke the wrath of Jesus by hiding from customers

**James:** How come you can evoke everyone’s wrath and not start some stupid food war?

**Simon:** Oh, that’s quite simple: I just don’t evoke Jesus’ wrath

**James:** Of course. I guess I’ll just starve here because the muffins are infused with strawberries

**Simon:** There’s nothing stopping you from getting your own food

**James:** Except that I would be increasing the risk of a second war

**Simon:** Good point. Good luck with starving then. We all thank you for your sacrifice

**James:** How kind of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus passive aggresively making food one person can't eat was entirely invented by CalamityCain


	11. The Scorpion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out updating every day is not a realistic goal. Everyone, act surprised

PM between Jesus and Judas

_June 20, 9:34_

**Jesus:** Hey, do you want to come over tonight?

**Judas:** To stay or to go home at the end of the night?

**Jesus:** I don’t know. We can just see how things go

**Judas:** No, none of this ‘we’ll see how it goes’ bullshit, I want to know now

**Jesus:** Well then to go home at the end of the night

**Judas:** Okay

PM between Jesus and Mary

_10:05_

**Jesus:** I feel like things with Judas are moving backwards more than they are moving forwards

**Mary:** You two seemed okay yesterday evening

**Jesus:** That’s what I thought, but when I asked if he wanted to come over tonight, he was snappy again

**Mary:** If it really bothers you, you can just ask him. But it may also just be because he needs time. After all, practically moving out is going to seem like a step back in your relationship

**Jesus:** You’re undoubtedly right. Again

**Mary:** I should really get paid for it at this point

**Jesus:** How about I’ll get you a jumbo bag gummy bears? That way I’ll be covered for the rest of the year

**Mary:** In your dreams. That’s going to be enough for next month and nothing more

**Jesus:** That’s what I was afraid of, but it was worth a try

**Jesus:** By the way, I got in a limited edition of Stephen King’s Dark Tower. Do you want me to set it aside for you?

**Mary:** Please, yes! Why don’t we just have lunch together?

**Jesus:** If I pay, does that release me from the gummy bears?

**Mary:** Just this once

**Jesus:** When’s your lunchbreak?

**Mary:** If everything goes the way I want it to, at half past 12

**Jesus:** Alright, I’ll meet you at the clinic

The twelve

_12:59_

**Peter:** Guys, I’m adopting a scorpion and he needs a name. Give me your suggestions

**Judas:** You know you’re going to regret this, right?

**Peter:** Undoubtedly, but I’ll just add it to the list of regrets which is growing with every passing day

**Judas:** Fair enough

**Simon:** Sting

**James:** Stephen Scorbert

**John:** Scoprah Winfrey

**James:** Stephen Sting

**Simon:** Scorpian Gray

**James:** Claw Sting Lewis

**John:** King Scorpomon

**_Peter_ ** _has left the chat_

**_John_ ** _added **Peter** to the chat_

**Peter:** Not you too

**Simon:** It’s nice to see I’m a good influence

**Judas:** It’s concerning that you’re an influence

**Mary:** Sting is actually not that bad a name

**Peter:** I hate to admit it, but you’re right. Okay, from now on he is called Sting

**James:** Now that we’ve had that, why are you adopting a scorpion?

**Peter:** He’s cute

**John:** A scorpion?

**Mary:** He’s genuinely pretty cute and he’s missing a leg

**Simon:** Pics or it didn’t happen

**Peter:** [Picture attachment: emperor scorpion missing a leg]

**Simon:** You’re right, he’s cute

**James:** What is wrong with you people?

**John:** I’ll admit that he’s pretty, but I don’t see how you can call him cute

**Simon:** How come he’s missing a leg?

**Peter:** We don’t know. I found him on the beach yesterday and he already didn’t have it, but he’s doing perfectly fine without it. Pros of having eight legs, I suppose

**Mary:** He probably got into a fight with another animal, but I can’t say for sure

**Simon:** Poor Sting

**James:** Hey! How come I always get sarcastic commentary but a scorpion gets genuine sympathy?

**Simon:** James, my friend, you’re simply nowhere near as cute as that scorpion

**Peter:** Oh no. Simon has a thing for my scorpion

**Judas:** Poor Sting

**Simon:** I will murder all of you in your sleep

**John:** I’m pretty sure most of us are kind of already assuming that will happen sooner or later

**Peter:** I will come back to haunt you for the rest of your life

**Simon:** Sounds like fun

**Judas:** Why would you damn yourself for the rest of his life? Voluntarily?

**Peter:** Oh right, good point. Fine, no eternal haunting then

**Jesus:** Can none of you go a day without threatening to kill each other?

**Judas:** So you’re just going to ignore the bestiality?

**Jesus:** Yes. For several reason, but mainly because I’d like to keep my sanity

**Mary:** Good bet

**John:** How do you have any left?

**Jesus:** I have no idea

**Simon:** Not to test Jesus’ remaining sanity, but I think it appropriate to accuse Peter of bestiality as well. Considering he did pick up a scorpion because he thought it was cute

**Peter:** What?

**James:** He has a point, buddy

**Peter:** I suddenly have the urge to kill Simon before he can kill me

**Judas:** Don’t we all?

**John:** Can you feel the love tonight?

**Peter:** Please. I’ve had those songs stuck in my head all day

**James:** The peace the evening brings

**Mary:** The world at once in perfect harmony with all its living things

**Peter:** I am in desperate need for new friends

**Judas:** Try running away into the jungle

**Peter:** I might just do that

New group

_15:23_

**_Simon_ ** _created this group_

**_Simon_ ** _added **James** to this chat_

**_Simon_ ** _added **John** to this chat_

**_Simon_ ** _added **Mary** to this chat_

**_Simon_ ** _renamed group **Educating Peter**_

**James:** I am sorry this is all my fault

**John:** What did you do?

**James:** I joked about planning Peter’s insanity through movie nights with Disney

**Simon:** He made a lot of compelling arguments

**James:** Like, one argument was made

**Simon:** It was very compelling

**Mary:** Don’t you have something better to do?

**Simon:** Taking into consideration the fact that people do not tend to get drunk at 3, no

**John:** In all fairness, Peter does need to be educated

**Mary:** You’re not wrong. Why aren’t Judas and Jesus in this chat?

**Simon:** Judas will undoubtedly murder me if I add him to another ‘pointless’ chat and I figured I’d preserve Jesus’ sanity

**James:** Considerate

**Simon:** I have my moments

**John:** Oh well, it’s not like I have anything better to do either. So, when’s the next movie night and what should we subject Peter to?

**James:** The options for movies are Black Cauldron, Lilo and Stitch, Sleeping Beauty, Oliver and Company and Beauty and the Beast

**Mary:** Taking into consideration the risk that he demands we stop the Disney at some point, I suggest starting with the classics. So either Sleeping Beauty or Beauty and the Beast

**Simon:** I knew there was a good reason to take the risk of adding you to this chat

**John:** I bet he thinks that Aurora has a pink dress, which she only wears for 15 seconds, so might I suggest Sleeping Beauty?

**James:** This is the second time I’ve heard you go off about that dress this week. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?

**John:** You’re on the brink of unleashing a complete rant

**James:** Go for it, buddy

**Simon:** Do what you must

**John:** So, for starters there’s the obvious fact where Aurora only wears that pink dress for 15 seconds at the end during the ‘make it pink, make it blue’ discussion. She wears the blue dress way longer than that and at all her iconic moments (pricking herself, being kissed awake). But on top of that she also has a strong affiliation for blue. Her crib as a baby was blue, her bed at the cottage is blue, her bed at the castle is blue. She has such a strong association with blue, while the pink kind of comes out of nowhere. The dress also matches her eyes better and, in my opinion, blonds just tend to look better in blue than they do in pink. The only reason everyone remembers her pink dress is because of marketing and I am severely opposed

**John:** Glad I got that off of my chest

**Simon:** My friend, your points are many and valid, I applaud you

**John:** Thank you

**Mary:** So, Sleeping Beauty?

**John:** Yes

The twelve

_16:58_

**Mary:** Is everyone up for movie night tomorrow night?

**Peter:** Yes, but please don’t let it be more Disney

**James:** Yes, but please let it be more Disney

**Judas:** Sure, why not

**John:** Everyone in favour for Sleeping Beauty say aye

**James:** Aye

**Simon:** Aye

**Mary:** Aye

**Judas:** Aye

**Jesus:** Aye

**Peter:** I will haunt all of you


	12. More Disney

The twelve

_June 21, 3:28_

**Simon:** I apologize my friends, but I’ll have to excuse myself from movie night

_8:49_

**Peter:** How come he can cancel but I can’t?

**John:** He’s already educated whereas you are still under the illusion that Aurora’s dress is pink

**Peter:** Who’s Aurora?

**John:** Somehow that’s even worse

PM between James and Simon

_9:06_

**James:** I’ve got to go to work today, but please send me a text when you wake up

**James:** And capable of communicating, since I just remembered those two things don’t always go together

_10:57_

**Simon:** I am finally awake in both the physical and the mental sense. The latter may have taken almost half an hour

**James:** You could have grabbed coffee

**Simon:** I did. Twice

**James:** Damn

**Simon:** You said it

**Simon:** So, what’s up?

**James:** I’m worried about you. Please don’t laugh it off

**Simon:** I won’t, though I don’t see why you’re worried

**James:** I heard you coming home at five. Which means you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since you went drinking last week, safe from Tuesday. Considering you cancelled on movie night, I’m foreseeing another late night. And I know you’ve never had the healthiest of sleep schedules and still somehow manage to do just fine, but this has been going on for a week and I don’t foresee an end anytime soon

**Simon:** I’m busy

**James:** I know and I get it. Honestly, if it was just the lack of sleeping schedule I don’t know if I would have said anything. At least not know. But I know you got into another fight, I saw the bloodstained paper towels in the trashcan

**Simon:** It wasn’t anything major, mostly just got a nosebleed

**James:** Just because it could have been worse, doesn’t mean that it’s fine, though I am glad that it wasn’t anything worse. But Jesus was right with what he said the other day, you only have one body. And no matter how much you like to pretend otherwise, you’re not actually indestructible. You’re my best friend, Simon, and it scares me to think of anything really bad happening to you

**Simon:** That’s understandable. Give me a second

**James:** Okay

_11:40_

**Simon:** I cancelled on the gig tonight, though I must warn you that I have one tomorrow that I won’t be able to get out of. I need to work extra to pay everyone back as soon as possible and late hours are pretty much part of the job, but I’ll see what I can do to minimize it

**James:** I get that, I really do

**Simon:** As for the fights, I don’t exactly tend to plan those

**James:** Trust me, I’m well aware. I think I’d ask the sun to stop burning before asking you to stop fighting. For several reasons

**Simon:** You really might have more luck with the sun, but I’ll try to stay out of troubles for the most part. Can’t exactly afford to get arrested again, so not risking it doesn’t sound like the worst idea ever

**James:** Thanks

**Simon:** It was about time I got a chance to dramatically complain about all the things I do for you

**James:** I’m still by far in the lead with that

**Simon:** Is that an invitation to double down on it now?

**James:** Please no

The twelve

_11:58_

**Simon:** As it turns out, I’m also not allowed to cancel

**Mary:** So you’re coming?

**Simon:** Correct

**James:** No cancellations are allowed

**Peter:** I’m not sure if this is better or worse

**Judas:** Worse

**John:** Since it’s Saturday anyway, so no one has anything to do tomorrow and everyone is coming, we can speed up the educating process and watch two movies

**Peter:** No

Educating Peter

_12:16_

**James:** John, I like your thinking

**Mary:** Don’t scare him off though

**Simon:** We can always drag him to your place kicking and screaming, no problem

**Mary:** While I don’t doubt it, it’s not preferable

**John:** She is right, sadly

**Mary:** We can suggest Pirates

**Simon:** You’re telling me he hasn’t seen that either? What other disgraceful atrocities has he kept from us? I’m reconsidering some life choices here

**John:** Only now?

**Simon:** No, there are simply extra choices being reconsidered

**Mary:** Do you want a list?

**Simon:** Yes

**Mary:** Too bad

**James:** Is this the time to mention I have only seen the first movie?

**Simon:** …I can’t believe it. Betrayal on all sides

**John:** The first movie is the best though

**Simon:** That’s true. Alright, fine, but I will still force the others down your throat

**James:** Feared as much

The twelve

_12:32_

**Mary:** How about we make Pirates of the Caribbean the second movie? It’s still Disney, but not classic Disney and totally different from the fairy tales

**James:** That sounds reasonable

**Peter:** Okay, fine, but only because you are all completely relentless

**Judas:** I can’t believe I’m associating with people who want to watch Sleeping Beauty and Pirates of the Caribbean in one night

**John:** Wait until you find out you’re also friends with them

**James:** Get used to it, buddy

**Judas:** I would really rather not

**Simon:** Too late

_15:20_

**Peter:** Anyone else already too lazy to think of cooking?

**Mary:** I hate to admit it, but yes

**Simon:** Always

**Peter:** Simon, have you ever cooked in your life?

**Simon:** Not that I can remember. Hence ‘always’

**James:** I just lost all motivation to even try

**John:** I never had any to begin with

**Jesus:** For once I’m slipping into the same mindset

**Mary:** Shall I order pizza for tonight?

**James:** Go for it

**Mary:** I set the delivery at half past six, I’m assuming that’s fine by everyone

_16:36_

**James:** Someone tell me what about me screams that I know the reading preferences of a 16-year-old girl?

**Simon:** Do you really want the entire list?

**James:** Shut up

**Peter:** Isn’t that part of your job?

**James:** No, giving general recommendations is. Or if you know some book someone loves I can probably find some similar ones. I cannot recommend more than 3 books just based on ‘hi, my niece is 16’

**John:** Do they really need more than three?

**James:** Apparently she’s already read these

**Peter:** So ask what else she’s already read?

**James:** I think you underestimate how uncooperative this dude is. Apparently, I’m supposed to be clairvoyant

**Simon:** Just recommend some adult book, she’ll be unlikely to have read that

**Jesus:** Please don’t do that. How are you even texting?

**James:** Dude got annoyed and said he would just do it himself. Honestly don’t know why he didn’t do that in the first place and save everyone a headache

**James:** I jinxed it. He’s back

**Jesus:** Please don’t recommend an inappropriate book

**James:** Well. It’s not appropriate. Whether she’s gonna appreciate it is less certain

**Mary:** What did you suggest?

**James:** Vanity Fair. He was looking at it already anyway

**Jesus:** I doubt she’s going to appreciate it

**James:** Me too, but he didn’t really sound like he was from around here anyway, so I don’t think I care all that much

**Jesus:** I suppose that’s fair enough


	13. The Three Musketeers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short, but I'm tired and I hadn't uploaded in two days so I wanted to upload so have this

The twelve

_June 22, 10:33_

**James:** Everyone, please help me convince Simon not to adopt three hamsters

**Simon:** You can’t stop me, I’ve already adopted them. Accept the inevitable

**James:** Fine. Everyone, please help me convince Simon to return the three hamsters he adopted this morning

**Peter:** Where do you even adopt hamsters on a Sunday morning?

**Simon:** The pet shelter

**Mary:** Not that I’m against things that encourage responsibility, but are you sure hamsters are a good idea? And three of them at that

**James:** Thanks

**Simon:** I’m hurt by your lack of confidence. Octavius is still alive

**Mary:** That’s a plant

**Simon:** Don’t say that, you’ll hurt his feelings

**_Mary_ ** _has left the chat_

**_James_ ** _has left the chat_

**_Judas_ ** _has left the chat_

**_Peter_ ** _has left the chat_

**John:** …Seriously?

**Simon:** Leave them, now no one can say a word against the three musketeers

**Jesus:** Aren’t you currently living together with James?

**Simon:** Yes, but I’ve become immune to him telling me not to do things

**Jesus:** Well, in that case, maybe think twice about the hamsters

**Simon:** John, remove Jesus

**John:** No

**Jesus:** That would make this a private chat

**Simon:** Whatever is necessary to protect the musketeers

**John:** I think what you’re looking for is a chat with yourself

**_John_ ** _added **Mary** to this chat_

**_John_ ** _added **James** to this chat_

**_John_ ** _added **Judas** to this chat_

**_John_ ** _added **Peter** to this chat_

**Peter:** Why does that never work?

**James:** It was worth a try

**Mary:** In all seriousness though. Simon, three hamsters is a lot more work than one plant

**Simon:** I know, I’m not actually that stupid, believe it or not

New group

_11:06_

**_Mary_ ** _created this group_

**_Mary_ ** _added **James** to this chat_

**_Mary_ ** _added **Peter** to this chat_

**Mary:** Any chance we can talk him out of this?

**James:** It’s Simon. I honestly gave up after about 10 minutes

**Peter:** Yeah, he’s way too stubborn

**Mary:** Usually I agree, but this isn’t a plant! Those are animals! You can’t just leave them be while you wait for Simon to fuck up to the point that even he can’t deny it

**James:** I know, but what do you want me to do?

**Mary:** I don’t know, he’s your friend/partner-situation

**James:** Yeah, with things like this that doesn’t really matter

**Peter:** We could just point out that he can’t afford it? I mean, animals cost money and he owes everyone quite a bit

**James:** No

**Mary:** That would work though

**James:** Sure, but he’s currently making late night after late night, not to mention more than one shady deal. Simon has no sense of self-preservation, so if you make him feel like he has to put in more time and effort, he will and it will go wrong

**Peter:** Right. I’m sorry, I hadn’t thought about that

**James:** That’s fine. Really, I’m against the hamsters too, but at the end of the day he’s an adult and he can do what he wants

**Mary:** Of course, but this is responsibility over other living breathing creatures we’re talking about

**Peter:** To be fair, he does just fine with the dogs at the shelter

**Mary:** There’s a huge difference in walking a dog every now and then and taking care of pets full time. Look, I’ve seen enough neglected and overfed pets because their owners couldn’t be bothered to take proper care of them, I will not condone it and I don’t care how stubborn Simon is

**James:** I agree with you, but I don’t think it’s fair to just assume Simon will fuck it up

**Peter:** You’re saying he won’t?

**James:** I’m saying he doesn’t have to. We could at least give him a chance. I mean, we’re his friends, it’s not exactly fair to assume the worst

**Peter:** Weren’t you the one who was against it and put it in the group chat in the first place?

**James:** Yes, but that was before I realised how serious he was about it

**Mary:** My point still stands

**James:** I know. Look, we hardly live apart anymore these days, would it sit better with you if I help look after the hamsters?

**Mary:** That will work

The twelve

_11:41_

**James:** Fine, you can keep them

**Simon:** The council has spoken

**Peter:** What?

**Simon:** Peter, my friend, I’m the king of side group chats, I can practically sense it when one is made

**Judas:** The sudden silence wasn’t exactly subtle either

**Simon:** That too. You guys are slow, in the time it took you to discuss, I took a shower and had time to spare

**John:** Why are we suddenly okay with subjecting the hamsters to Simon?

**Peter:** James is going to co-parent

**Simon:** Do I have a say in this?

**Mary:** No

**Simon:** Alright then

**James:** Does this mean I can veto the names?

**Simon:** Not in a million years

**Jesus:** What are the names?

**Simon:** [Picture attachment: 1 light grey hamster, 1 dark grey hamster, 1 orange hamster]

**Simon:** Meet Lucius Tiberius the Third, the Baroness Lucille of the House of Cocksworth and Lord Fawkes Thistlewaith, Esq

**Judas:** That’s fucking ridiculous

**Simon:** Deal with it

**John:** They do look absolutely adorable

**Simon:** I know

**Peter:** What happened to Lucius Tiberius the First and Second?

**Simon:** Nobody knows, it will forever remain a mystery

**John:** They have assumed new identities because three times Lucius Tiberius might just be the trigger James needs to off Simon

**James:** You’re not wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hamsters and their names are entirely the wonderful creations of CalamityCain


	14. Rug Problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I'm really sorry about not uploading for two weeks. You'd think that now that my exams are over I'd have more time but apparently not XD I hope you'll enjoy this chap, despite it not being the longest I've ever written!

The twelve

_10:52_

**John:** Guys, I need help, I need a new rug

**Judas:** Are you sure you need a new rug?

**John:** Yes, why?

**James:** Buddy, you already have three rugs in your living room alone

**Peter:** And your living room is only barely big enough to warrant one

**John:** This one is for my bedroom

**Judas:** Do we want to know how many you have hoarded in there?

**John:** …Four

**Simon:** That is an accomplishment and I applaud you

**John:** Thanks… I think

**James:** I’m not saying you have a problem, but you may have one

**Judas:** You definitely have a problem

**John:** Since we’re never discussing any of you guys’ problems, I think I’m allowed a non-discussed rug problem

**Peter:** That’s fair. So, why the need for a fifth one?

**John:** Not so much a need as I went to the store to get something else and saw these two and now I really want them

**Mary:** Then what do you need us for?

**John:** I can’t buy them both

**Judas:** You’re right, that would be ridiculous

**John:** Please just help me choose one

**John:** [Picture attachment: one bright pink fluffy rug, one light blue vaguely oriental inspired rug]

**James:** And what other colours do you have in your bedroom? Cause I’m pretty sure that I’ve never been there

**John:** Practically all of them but black and grey

**James:** I never thought I would say this, but there’s a room more chaotic than Simon’s on this planet

**Simon:** My room isn’t chaotic, it’s messy. There’s a difference and you know it

**James:** Those two things can co-exist

**John:** Please, I would rather not spend the entire day here just cause you guys need to compare rooms

**Peter:** I prefer the blue one, but that may have something to do with me being more subtle than you

**James:** The pink one looks fucking soft though

**John:** It is, do you see my dilemma?

**Simon:** Who needs subtlety, always go for hot pink

**Peter:** I can’t believe you just said that

**Judas:** I can

**Mary:** As someone who has actually seen your bedroom, I think the pink one would suit it better. Though admittedly that was two rugs ago

**Jesus:** The blue one would be more calming in between all the other colours

**Mary:** But it has a pattern, which may be busy

**James:** Soft rugs are the best to space out on, why is this even a discussion?

**John:** Not all of us get high every week

**James:** …Hey John, get me that rug, I’ll pay you back right away

**John:** Sure thing. They also have it in lime green

**James:** Lime green, please

**Peter:** Seriously?

**James:** Yes

**John:** Since most people are in favour for the pink rug, I’ll go with that one. James, can I come over in about an hour?

**James:** Sure, want to add lunch to that?

**John:** Please, I’m starving

PM between Simon and James

_12:25_

**James:** Shall we move over to my place tonight to space out on the rug?

**Simon:** That rug did not look big enough for two people and you know I can’t sit still when high

**James:** You make it sound as though you can sit still when not high

**Simon:** It is common knowledge that I can’t. My point about the size of the rug stands though

**James:** I’ll throw it on the bed and you’ll have all the space to move

**Simon:** I can feel this is going to end with me falling on the floor

**James:** Probably. So, that’s a yes?

**Simon:** Of course

The twelve

_13:19_

**James:** Has anyone who isn’t Mary seen John’s bedroom?

**Jesus:** I have, why?

**James:** It’s an interesting sight to see

**James:** [Picture attachment: a room that has every colour on the rainbow in its brightest shade and every texture on the face on the planet]

**Judas:** How many unicorns threw up in there?

**Simon:** John, my friend, you are quite literally living in a rainbow

**Peter:** I thought your living room was a lot

**James:** I’m personally just surprised at the fact that it works. Somehow

**John:** It’s because I actually have a sense of taste, unlike the rest of you

**James:** Point taken

**Simon:** I’m insulted

**Peter:** It’s true though

**Simon:** Yes, of course, but that won’t stop me from being insulted

**James:** I’m starting to get John’s rug thing though. This is the softest floor on the planet

**Mary:** That was to be expected with all those rugs

**Jesus:** John, doesn’t your bedroom have a carpet flooring?

**John:** Yes

**_Judas_ ** _has left the chat_

**_John_ ** _has added **Judas** to the chat_

**Judas:** One of these days I will get a new phone and not tell any of you shits

**Peter:** You could also just mute the chat

**James:** Or block all of us

**Simon:** Or destroy your current phone and not get a new one to eliminate the risk of anyone finding out

**John:** Or deactivate your number

**Jesus:** Please don’t give him any ideas

**Judas:** No, this is good, I’m going to remember this

PM between Mary and Peter

_15:17_

**Mary:** Hey, work has been pretty crap today. Do you want to hang out tonight?

**Peter:** Yes, of course. Bad movies and gummi bears?

**Mary:** Please. Though I do actually want to have a semi-decent dinner. I don’t think I’ve seen any vegetables for the past 2 or 3 days

**Peter:** We can make pasta. I still have some vegetables laying around that need to be made into some kind of dinner anyway

**Mary:** Is it okay if I come over after my shift has ended?

**Peter:** Sure. Want to use the shower?

**Mary:** You can read my mind

**Peter:** Well, more going by what I need myself after a shitty day, but mind reading sounds better

**Mary:** Everyone’s entitled to a superpower, I think

**Peter:** Alright, so I have mindreading, what do you want?

**Mary:** Hmmm. I think it would be pretty cool to be able to shapeshift. I mean, that obsession that cats have with boxes? I want to know what that’s about

**Peter:** That is way cooler than mindreading

**Mary:** That’s why I choose it

**Mary:** I’ve got to go. I think I’ll be there between 6 and 7. It’s super hectic here so it’s hard to say, but I’ll let you know in advance

**Peter:** Don’t worry about it, I’ll see you appear when you do

**Mary:** Thanks, you’re amazing

The twelve

_20:38_

**James:** [Picture attachment: Simon in a heap of limps on the floor]

**James:** Gravity is wonderful


	15. Stabby Stab

PM between Judas and Simon

_10:28_

**Simon:** I have a problem and it may involve quite some blood

**Judas:** Whose blood?

**Simon:** Mine. I think. Pretty sure it’s mine

**Judas:** What the fuck happened?

**Simon:** Got stabbed

**Judas:** You should have started with that, little shit. Call the fucking hospital

**Simon:** Can’t. James is my emergency contact

**Judas:** Fine, where are you?

**Simon:** [Picture attachment: google maps with a location pinned]

**Judas:** On my way

**Simon:** Thanks. Think I’m going to pass out

**Judas:** Fuck no you don’t. I’m going to call you and you’re going to talk

PM between Jesus and Judas

_11:04_

**Judas:** Sorry, I have to cancel on lunch

**Jesus:** Oh, okay. Why?

**Judas:** Don’t tell James

**Jesus:** What’s going on?

**Judas:** Simon got stabbed. I just drove him to the hospital, but it looks like this is going to take a while

**Jesus:** Shit. What happened?

**Judas:** I don’t know. He wasn’t exactly in a state to have an extensive conversation when I got there

**Jesus:** Is he okay? Well. Relatively speaking

**Judas:** I don’t know. Got here about half an hour ago and haven’t spoken to anyone since

**Jesus:** That doesn’t sound reassuring. Shit. How am I supposed to not tell James? I work together with this guy

**Judas:** Well, you just don’t say anything about it. Not that hard

**Jesus:** You know what I mean

**Judas:** Yes, and I stand by what I said

**Jesus:** Why can’t James know anyway?

**Judas:** You severely underestimate how little conversation I had with Simon

**Jesus:** Fine, I won’t tell him, but I still don’t think it’s right

**Judas:** Not exactly our problem

**Jesus:** Maybe. Keep me updated

**Judas:** I will

_11:57_

**Judas:** Alright, talked to the doctor. Simon’s most likely going to be fine. He mainly lost a lot of blood, but luckily for the shit nothing vital was damaged. Just his bowels, but they did surgery on that and from what I gathered that went fine

**Jesus:** That’s good at least. Can I now tell James?

**Judas:** No

**Jesus:** He knows something’s up

**Judas:** Yeah, no offence, but he probably just thinks we’re fighting

**Jesus:** …Okay, you’re probably right

The twelve

_12:23_

**Mary:** Alright, I know it’s Tuesday and everyone has to work tomorrow, but movie night anyone?

**Peter:** Please, no Disney

**John:** Yes Disney

Educating Peter

_12:25_

**James:** Little heads up, I’m pretty sure Jesus and Judas are fighting again

**John:** Wow, giving everyone but Peter a heads up

**James:** Not my fault that he doesn’t know Disney

**John:** Good point

**Mary:** That’s their problem. They’re entirely free not to join us

**James:** I know. Just figured I should give you a fair warning

The twelve

_12:29_

**James:** I vote for having movie night at John’s

**John:** Why?

**James:** Because you are living on a fucking cloud and that sounds more than comfortable enough to watch a movie on

**John:** Oh, so now suddenly my ‘problem’ is a good thing?

**James:** Take it or leave it, buddy

**John:** Alright fine, we can do it at my place

**Peter:** If you’re all so ridiculously insistent on Disney, can I choose which movie?

**James:** Sure

**Peter:** Lilo and Stitch

**Mary:** I’m in favour

**John:** Fine by me. Anyone who thinks about bringing booze or weed is watching from outside

**Peter:** Harsh

PM between James and Simon

_12:38_

**James:** Since you’re undoubtedly going to ‘accidentally’ read over this: don’t bring booze tonight

PM between Mary and Jesus

_12:45_

**Mary:** Hey, are you alright?

**Jesus:** Yeah, why?

**Mary:** James said you and Judas were fighting again and you haven’t said anything in the groupchat

**Jesus:** Oh, right. We’re not

**Mary:** Are you sure? He’s usually right when he says stuff like that

**Jesus:** Yes, I’m sure

**Mary:** Then what’s going on?

**Jesus:** Nothing

**Mary:** I know you better than that

**Jesus:** Please don’t tell anyone

**Mary:** Of course I won’t

**Jesus:** Simon got stabbed this morning

**Mary:** What?

**Jesus:** Yeah. Judas got him to the hospital and the last update I’ve had was almost an hour ago. I’m just really worried, that’s all

**Mary:** Fuck, what happened?

**Jesus:** Neither me nor Judas knows

**Mary:** Wait. Why can’t I tell anyone? This sounds like the kind of thing everyone would want to know

**Jesus:** Because for whatever reason, Simon didn’t want James to know

**Mary:** Look, I’m all for respecting people’s privacy and wishes and such, but I don’t think that’s really applicable to this situation. Wouldn’t you want to know if something happened to Judas regardless of whether Judas wanted you to know?

**Jesus:** Of course

**Mary:** This is the same thing, Jesus. Just tell him. And John and Peter too, while you’re at it

PM between Jesus and Judas

_13:07_

**Jesus:** Mary thinks we should tell everyone else. Including James

**Judas:** Why am I not surprised you told Mary?

**Jesus:** She thought we were fighting, so I couldn’t exactly pretend everything was fine

**Judas:** You could have

**Jesus:** But I didn’t. Anyway, I agree with her

**Judas:** Of course. Whatever, do what you want. It’s what you’ll do anyway

The twelve

_13:12_

**Jesus:** Hey guys, I’ve got some bad news. Simon got stabbed this morning and is currently in the hospital. Judas is there as well. The last update he got said that Simon is most likely going to be fine

**James:** Fucking hell

**Peter:** Shit

**James:** Wait, what do you mean ‘this morning’?

**Judas:** Half past 10 if you want to know the exact time

**James:** Why the fuck didn’t you think to tell me until now?

**Judas:** Cause Simon went out of his way to keep you out of it, I figured there was a reason

**James:** Fucking idiot, I swear I’m going to kill him

**Judas:** Get in line

**James:** You’re next. Which hospital are you at?

**Judas:** Augusta Victoria

**James:** Alright, I’ll be there as soon as possible

**Peter:** Please keep us updated

_13:38_

**Judas:** According to the nurse, Simon has been awake (or still is) and has talked. Apart from confusion he was comprehensible, which is a good sign

**John:** Is there any use in the rest of us coming over?

**James:** No

PM between John and James

_13:40_

**John:** It’s probably none of my business, but are you and Simon okay?

**James:** Yes

**John:** Then what was the whole thing with Simon not wanting you to know about?

**James:** I haven’t had the opportunity to hit Simon over the head about it yet, but if I’m right it’s because a few days ago I told him I was worried about him. So of course I can’t worry about something if I didn’t know it had happened

**John:** That makes little to no sense

**James:** It’s Simon. His logic often isn’t that great even without an adrenaline shot and shock setting in

**John:** Fair enough. Are you alright?

**James:** Yeah, I think so

**John:** Don’t forget to breathe

**James:** Thanks, I won’t

The twelve

_14:13_

**James:** Simon is officially up and talking, he’ll be fine. He’s going to have to stay here at least today and tomorrow so they can keep an eye on him. No visitors allowed until tomorrow, so Judas just left

**Jesus:** Don’t you count as visitor?

**James:** We’re pretending I’m his boyfriend to comply with hospital rules cause those suck

**Peter:** Smart

**Mary:** Do you guys need anything?

**James:** Probably, but neither of us can think of anything at the moment, so I think I’ll just go home in a bit to look around

**Jesus:** Did he tell you what happened?

**James:** Scammed the wrong people, apparently

**Judas:** Well, that’s just fucking stupid

**James:** Trust me, he knows

**Mary:** Let us know if you need anything or if anything changes

**James:** I will


	16. At the Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter I actually have the authority to write, having spend some time in the hospital myself. So all the hospital stuff was based on my own experience, though I realise those will differ from country to country and may seem unrealistic for some people. Just know they were based on actualy experiences!
> 
> (Yes, I'm way too happy at writing a chapter where I actually know what I'm talking about XD)

PM between Jesus and James

_June 25, 2:12_

**Jesus:** Hey, I’m really sorry about not telling you earlier

**James:** Don’t worry about it, buddy. Though why are you coming with that at 2 in the morning?

**Jesus:** Just happened to still be awake

**James:** Sounds healthy

**Jesus:** You’re awake as well

**James:** Yes, but I’m in a hospital, it’s impossible to sleep here. Even Simon wakes up regularly and he’s drugged

**Jesus:** Fair enough

**James:** So, what’s your excuse?

**Jesus:** Do I need one?

**James:** Not really

**Jesus:** By the way, I was thinking about just keeping the shop closed if that’s alright by you

**James:** Probably for the best. Don’t think I can come in and if you’re still awake now that can’t be a good thing for customer service

**Jesus:** Your trust in me is astounding

**James:** Just stating the facts, buddy

**Jesus:** Uhuh. I think I’m going to attempt to get back to sleep

**James:** And just leaving me alone like that?

**Jesus:** Didn’t you say Simon was regularly awake?

**James:** Yes, but I also said he was drugged. He hasn’t been able to keep up a conversation for longer than a minute ever since they upped the dose for the night

**Jesus:** That doesn’t sound too good

**James:** I don’t know, the nurse said it was to be expected and since I don’t have a medical degree, I’m just going to trust her on that

**Jesus:** Probably smart. Well, good luck entertaining yourself then

**James:** Thanks. Good luck with sleep

**Jesus:** Thanks

The twelve

_7:35_

**James:** Update: hospital food isn’t nearly as bad as anyone makes it out to be

**Judas:** Yeah, for some reason I’m not prepared to trust your word on it

**James:** There are eggs. How bad can it be?

**Peter:** I’ve eaten too many horrible eggs to use that as a measurement for quality

**John:** How can you screw up eggs?

**Mary:** It’s not that hard

**James:** I have to admit to fucking up some eggs myself

**John:** Is that even an accomplishment for you?

**James:** No

_7:51_

**James:** Hospital coffee is fucking horrible though

**Jesus:** Shall I come over with some decent coffee?

**James:** Please

**Jesus:** When are visiting hours?

**James:** Pretty sure they start at nine, but Simon has been out cold for a while so please come earlier and free me

**Jesus:** Alright, I’ll come over after I’m done having breakfast

**James:** Thanks

PM between Mary and Jesus

_10:40_

**Mary:** Hey, is everyone alright?

**Jesus:** Define ‘everyone’

**Mary:** You, James and Simon

**Jesus:** I think so

**Mary:** That doesn’t sound too certain

**Jesus:** Well it’s hard to say with James, but I think he’s fine. Simon is actually capable of holding up some degree of conversation, so I think that’s good, but that doesn’t need to mean he’s actually fine, because it’s Simon. I’m genuinely fine, I think

**Mary:** That’s good to hear, though I’m less a fan of the fact that everyone still feels the need to pretend that they’re fine when they’re not

**Jesus:** Yeah, me neither

**Mary:** You know that includes you, right?

**Jesus:** It doesn’t

**Mary:** Sure. Is that why you’re reacting within seconds despite being in the same room as two of your friends who may or may not be doing horrible?

**Jesus:** I said they seemed to be doing fine

**Mary:** Not the point, Jesus. You can’t just keep avoiding the things that bother you, whether that’s a point or a situation. If you won’t address that for yourself, which you should, do it for the people that look up to you

**Jesus:** I’ll talk to you later

**Mary:** Smooth

PM between John and James

_11:38_

**James:** Hey, would you mind feeding the hamsters?

**John:** Where are they?

**James:** My place. You still have the keys, right?

**John:** Yeah, though I should really give them back to you one of these days

**James:** You’ve forgotten to do so for at least a year. I’ve kind of accepted it, to be honest

**John:** Oops. At least it has come in handy now

**James:** Nice safe

**John:** Thanks. I definitely planned it like that

**James:** Are you saying you planned to get my ‘boyfriend’ stabbed?

**John:** Why are you keeping that up now that he’s allowed visitors?

**James:** Cause I don’t want to be limited by visiting hours, but the rules still suck

**John:** They do. That’s why I’m ace

**James:** Solid reasoning. Still, if I had to choose between ace and aro I think I know which one I’d pick and it wouldn’t be ace

**John:** That’s just because Simon is a bad influence

**James:** Probably true. Guess I’ll settle for neither

**John:** Greedy

**James:** Just living my best life

**John:** Ah yes. Being in a hospital pretending you have a society approved relationship. The good life

**James:** It gets even better. Remember how Simon said he was going to stuff the other Pirates of the Caribbean movies down my throat?

**John:** He has all the time for that now?

**James:** Well, we started the second one after Jesus left, but within half an hour Simon fell asleep. Now I’m not just stuck watching a mediocre sequel on my own, but I also can’t move, because I’m guaranteed to wake him up that way

**John:** The second one isn’t that bad

**James:** No, but it’s also nowhere near as good as the first one

**John:** Very true. Wait until you see the fifth one

**James:** There is a fifth one?

**John:** Yep. It was bad and as unnecessary as it sounds

**James:** Is it just a steady decline in quality?

**John:** I really liked the third one to be honest. Fourth one wasn’t half bad either. Better than the second one in my opinion

**James:** Alright, that I can live with

**John:** By the way, do you think I can come over today?

**James:** Sure. Just maybe wait until after lunch. That way you’ll have a better chance of meeting an awake Simon

**John:** Good idea. Though, not going to lie, quiet Simon sounds like a miracle to behold

**James:** It’s a very boring miracle, trust me

**John:** Then I’ll leave you to the boring miracle while I amuse myself with the hamsters

**James:** Watch out, Lucille can be a bit of a biter

**John:** Thanks for telling me that before I agreed to feed them

**James:** You’re welcome

The twelve

_13:26_

**James:** The doctor just left after a check-up and info session so here’s the latest update: they’re going to keep Simon here for at least another night. It will most likely end up being longer, but they want to review the progress and judge based on that on a day-to-day basis. Otherwise everything’s fine. The stitches are holding up and they lowered the dose of the painkillers, so we’ll soon find out how that goes

**Mary:** I’m glad to hear it!

**Peter:** Does that mean we can all come and annoy the two of you?

**James:** In theory, yes, in reality I’d recommend you wait with the full on annoying until tomorrow

**Peter:** Too bad

**Jesus:** There really isn’t a lot to annoy, trust me

**Judas:** Are you telling me I have to wait with complaining about blood in my car until tomorrow?

**James:** I personally would have already cleaned that, but whatever floats your boat. But aside from that and the fact that you already complained about that yesterday, yes

**Peter:** Gross

**Jesus:** Really, Judas? That’s where your priorities are?

**Judas:** Yes. We’ve concluded Simon’s going to be fine, so why not. And for the record, I did clean it

**John:** Still gross

**Judas:** You know, for some reason, keeping the car clean wasn’t high on my list on priorities

**James:** Can’t imagine why

**Judas:** Me neither

**John:** That’s what happens when you drive before you’ve had your third cup of coffee

**Peter:** You don’t even drink coffee

**John:** Not the point


	17. Questionable Sleeping Habits

PM between Judas and Simon

_4:55_

**Simon:** Hey, thanks for saving my ass

**Judas:** Just don’t do it again

**Simon:** Trust me, wasn’t planning on it. But I’m disappointed that you didn’t enjoy our adventure

**Judas:** I can live without you bleeding out on my car seat and dying on me

**Simon:** I knew you gave a shit about me

**Judas:** Don’t get too excited, it’s just the one

**Simon:** I’ll take it

**Judas:** Weren’t you semi-permanently asleep?

**Simon:** Yes, but it turns out that constantly falling asleep during the day screws up your schedule and will result in you being awake at 5

**Judas:** Never would have guessed

**Simon:** The world is full of miracles

**Judas:** Why isn’t you shutting up one?

**Simon:** Because I like to defy the world

**Simon:** And I’m bored. Mostly that one, to be honest

**Judas:** Don’t you have someone else to annoy? James? Your family?

**Simon:** James went home to get sleep and I definitely did not tell my family about any of this

**Judas:** Why?

**Simon:** Cause my parents would both get a heart attack and die and my sisters would insist on coming over. And as much as I love them and easy access to a non-existent inheritance, I’m pretty sure I can do without

**Judas:** Too bad about that inheritance

**Simon:** I know. That’s what you get for having 5 siblings

**Judas:** At least now we know why you’re so loud all the time

**Simon:** Always happy to answer the questions that keep you up at night

**Judas:** One of these days I will fucking kill you

**Simon:** Get in line

PM between Simon and James

_5:32_

**Simon:** Bring the hamsters

_7:25_

**James:** Not a chance

**Simon:** Coward

The twelve

_7:27_

**Simon:** Simon 1, Death 0

**Jesus:** Please keep it that way

**Simon:** Of course, what do you take me for?

**Judas:** An absolute idiot with no sense of self-preservation and an affiliation for sharp and flammable objects

**Simon:** That is an accurate description. Judas, my friend, you flatter me

**Judas:** Fuck you

**Simon:** That’s against doctor’s orders. I checked

**Peter:** Of course you did

**John:** At least we know for sure the doctor will want you gone as soon as possible

**James:** You’d think, but no

**Peter:** How?

**Simon:** This man is so gay, John has nothing on him

**John:** Why am I the measurement for levels of gay?

**James:** Buddy, you live in a rainbow and rock at doing make-up

**John:** Alright, point taken. So if I’m at the far right of the gay spectrum, who’s on the other end?

**Simon:** Peter

**Peter:** I’m literally the only person here who’s straight

**Simon:** Exactly

**Peter:** You can’t put me on a queer spectrum

**Simon:** Fine, then it’s James

**Mary:** Are you sure that’s accurate?

**John:** He did get married to a woman, I think it’s accurate

**James:** And divorced her

**John:** Have to marry someone to divorce them

**Jesus:** Not that I really want to be involved in this, but it also took you almost 30 years to figure out you’re gay

**James:** …Fair enough

**John:** Alright, now that that important problem has been solved, I can finally sleep

**Peter:** What was stopping you from doing so before?

**John:** A YouTube rabbit hole

**Peter:** Makes sense

**Jesus:** You’ve spent all night going through YouTube?

**John:** No, I spend until 3:30 going through YouTube and then my internal alarm woke me up at 7:30

**Jesus:** That’s slightly better

**John:** At least I don’t have an office job or something where I have to start at a certain time, so I can catch up on sleep in the morning

**Jesus:** Good luck

**Peter:** That makes me severely regret having an office job

_9:05_

**James:** If anyone was planning on coming over, do so after lunch or maybe tomorrow, depending on how things go here

**Mary:** Is everything alright?

_9:13_

**Peter:** That doesn’t sound too comforting

**Mary:** I was just going to say the same thing

**Jesus:** Let’s not jump to conclusions, something may have come up. And if it is bad, there’s nothing we can do about it anyway

**Judas:** Very comforting addition

**Jesus:** It’s true

**Peter:** Doesn’t mean you have to say it

_9:41_

**James:** I’m sorry, something indeed came up. Everything’s fine, they just removed the bandaids and for some reason, Simon had a spastic reaction to that, but it stopped after they were done, so he’s fine

**Peter:** Shit, that sounds kind of terrifying, not going to lie

PM between Mary and James

_9:42_

**Mary:** With the risk of saying something uncalled for, but that whole ‘everything’s fine’ thing is bullshit

_9:51_

**James:** Why?

**Mary:** Because if everything was fine there would be no reason to say people can’t come over today

**James:** True. Physically speaking everything is genuinely fine. The wound is looking good, they lowered the dose of the painkillers and that’s all going fine. Simon can keep down most of what he eats. It’s just emotionally kind of a shit day for him

**Mary:** Oh. I thought he sounded fine this morning

**James:** He was fine this morning. But then they took off the bandaids and after that it just kind of went downhill from there

**Mary:** Because of the spasms?

**James:** Don’t know, neither does Simon. But the nurse said something like this happening sooner or later was kind of expected. He mentioned something about frustrations and hormones, but I can’t claim to have paid too much attention

**Mary:** That’s understandable. I hope things will improve soon

**James:** They should

The twelve

_13:11_

**James:** Okay, visiting today isn’t going to happen, sorry guys

**Peter:** Don’t worry about it

**John:** We’ll just save up on the annoying and get you guys double tomorrow

**Mary:** Didn’t you visit yesterday?

**John:** Yes, but yesterday there was no room for annoying

**James:** Anyone up for movie night though? We can use one of those sites that lets you watch movies simultaneously

**Jesus:** I have nothing to do, so I’m all for it

**Mary:** Only if we don’t make it too late. I have to start early tomorrow

**John:** We’re still going to watch Lilo and Stitch, right?

**James:** I’m pretty sure that was about 70% of Simon’s motivation to suggest it, so yes

**Peter:** …alright, fine

**Judas:** This is getting more ridiculous with every passing day, but whatever, fine

PM between Peter and Mary

_13:30_

**Peter:** Shall I come over to yours so we can watch together?

**Mary:** I really do have to go to bed on time though

**Peter:** That’s fine, I can leave after we’re done

**Mary:** In that case, I’d love to

PM between James and John

_15:07_

**James:** You were right, the third one is pretty good

**John:** I know

**James:** And Simon agrees with you that the fifth sucks so unless he’s going to be stuck here for too long, I won’t be forced to watch it

**John:** Considering that condition plus the fact that we’re talking about Simon, I wouldn’t count myself lucky yet if I were you

**James:** You’re probably right. I’ll just try to convince him to want to watch other movies

**John:** Sounds like an ambitious project

**James:** I have to do something in between studying the walls here

**John:** Bring paint. It will give you something to do and after that you can restudy the walls

**James:** For some reason I don’t think they’d appreciate me doing that

**John:** Shame

PM between Jesus and Judas

_16:19_

**Jesus:** Hey, can I come over? We can have dinner and watch the movie together?

**Judas:** Sure, but I’m not going to be home for another half an hour or so

**Jesus:** Just send me a text when you’re done

**Jesus:** Can I stay the night?

**Judas:** If you want

**Jesus:** I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to

**Judas:** That’s a yes, take it or leave it

**Jesus:** Alright, I’ll take it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The spasms at removing the bandaids was actually something that happened to me. To this day I still don't know what on earth was happening there XD


	18. Problems Arise

PM between James and Jesus

_7:22_

**James:** Did you and Judas break up recently?

**Jesus:** What? No. You know we weren’t fighting the other day, right?

**James:** I know, I know, just trying to proof Simon a point

**Jesus:** What point?

**James:** That you didn’t break up

**Jesus:** What?

**James:** It’s way too early and Simon has reached the point of boredom where he acts as difficulty as humanly possible

**Jesus:** Oh, that point. I know that point. Good luck

**James:** Thanks, I’ll need it

PM between James and Simon

_7:31_

**James:** You were right they’re still together

**Simon:** It was worth a shot

**James:** It can still be something else

**Simon:** Unlikely

**James:** Just please ask Judas about it

**Simon:** Do you want me dead or what?

**James:** Do you want the nice or the honest answer?

**Simon:** Shut up. Just get your ass here

**James:** I’m on my way, the line at the coffee shop was absolutely ridiculous

**Simon:** Alright, that’s a legal excuse. Any chance you stuffed the hamsters in your pockets to smuggle them into the hospital?

**James:** Still no

**Simon:** And thus the pile of disappointments continues to grow

**James:** Too bad

The twelve

_8:48_

**Peter:** Alright, I have to hand it to you guys. Lilo and Stitch was pretty good

**Mary:** I know

**John:** sounds to me like an invitation for more Disney

**Peter:** I can’t stress enough how much it wasn’t

**James:** Accept your fate, buddy

**Peter:** Never

**Judas:** Quit whining, it’s too early to be a dramatic bitch

**John:** It’s really not that early

**Judas:** It’s always too early for the shit that happens in this chat

**Jesus:** He may have a bit of a point

**John:** Rude

**James:** Very

**Peter:** It’s kind of true though

**John:** Irrelevant

_9:17_

**Peter:** Hey, James, can we come over today?

**James:** Yeah sure. Simon’s asleep right now, but that tends to come and go anyway. Visiting hours end at 12 and start after the lunch again at 2

**Peter:** Then I’ll come over in a bit

PM between Mary and Peter

_9:21_

**Mary:** Hey, can I carpool with you to the hospital?

**Peter:** Of course! I’m grabbing my things as we speak so I can be there in about ten minutes

**Mary:** Thanks!

The twelve

_9:23_

**Mary:** I’m carpooling with Peter

**James:** Send me a text when you get here so I can meet you guys outside. It’s kind of a maze here

**John:** Can confirm. I swear I got lost when I was there

**Jesus:** It’s not that bad

**James:** I met you outside as well. That’s cheating

**Jesus:** Oh right. True

PM between Judas and Simon

_13:59_

**Simon:** So, what’s the deal with Matthew?

**Judas:** What?

**Simon:** You know he’s a regular customer of mine, right?

**Judas:** Aren’t you supposed to be in the hospital? Away from customers?

**Simon:** I am, but he has my phone number

**Simon:** [Picture attachment: a screenshot of the following conversation:]

PM between Simon and Matthew

_One day ago, 21:08_

**Matthew:** Hey, Si, you know Judas Iscariot, right?

**Simon:** Yes, why?

**Matthew:** Do you know if he’s actually gay or just a curious straight?

**Simon:** As far as I’m aware he is bi, but since when are you interested in him?

**Matthew:** Since we hooked up several times last week

**Simon:** Okay, my tired and drugged up brain officially has trouble catching up

**Matthew:** I don’t think it’s anything serious, but I’m not a fan of being used as an experimental rabbit, you know? So I just wanted to check

**Simon:** You’re safe, no worries

**Matthew:** Thanks

**Judas:** Shit

**Simon:** Very eloquent

**Judas:** I promise that it doesn’t mean anything

**Simon:** No, we hooking up once because we’re drunk and you’re pissed doesn’t mean anything. Jesus kissing Mary out of frustration and in the spur of the moment doesn’t mean anything. You regularly hooking up regardless of being in a relationship is what they usually call an affair

**Judas:** Please don’t tell Jesus

**Simon:** Give me one reason

**Judas:** Because it would hurt him

**Simon:** And did you start to care about that before or after you stuck your dick up Matthew’s ass?

**Judas:** You know I’ve always cared

**Simon:** You have a funny way of showing it

**Judas:** Simon, stop it

**Simon:** I might if you give me a reason not to text Jesus right now

**Judas:** I fucked up, okay? And I’m still fucking up and I don’t know how to stop. I swear I didn’t mean to keep it up. But Jesus decided moving out was the best idea he’s ever had and after that I just kept meeting up with Matthew

**Simon:** And you decided that cheating was a better solution than talking to your boyfriend?

**Judas:** It works though. That’s the messed-up thing. Ever since I started this shit, my relationship with Jesus has improved

**Simon:** That’s messed-up

**Judas:** I know, I just said so

**Simon:** While that’s interesting and all, still don’t see why I shouldn’t be telling Jesus

**Judas:** Is there even anything I can tell you that will prevent you from telling him?

**Simon:** You promising me you will tell him yourself

**Judas:** Fuck you

**Simon:** While that seems to be your preferred choice of problem solving, I think I’m going to decline

**Judas:** I can’t tell him

**Simon:** Yes, you can. And you should. Do you seriously not realise this indicates a serious relationship problem?

**Judas:** I can’t believe you’re playing relationship councillor

**Simon:** I wish I wasn’t. If it’s any consolation, James is co-counselling here

**Judas:** You fucking told James?

**Simon:** Yes

**Judas:** Can’t you keep your fucking mouth shut?

**Simon:** No and if you keep avoiding the subject, I’m going to talk an awful lot to Jesus

**Judas:** Screw you. You’re lucky you’re already in the hospital or I would fucking punch you right in there

**Simon:** Hey, Judas, this is about the time where you want to shut up, tell me you’re going to tell Jesus and fucking admit you have a serious problem and no amount of swearing or threatening is going to change that. Cause if you don’t, I’m going to tell Jesus because I’ve run out of patience and James looks ready to strangle you and I don’t think he’s kidding

**Judas:** Fine, I’ll fucking tell him. But I can’t do it today because I’ll be stuck at work all day

**Simon:** You better. And while you’re at it, tell Matthew what the fuck is going on cause he’s a good guy

**Judas:** I fucking will. Now leave me alone

The twelve

_15:35_

**James:** Okay, someone decided to cram all his energy in an hour window after lunch, so the doctor literally said no more visitors today

**John:** You know, it’s starting to seem like you don’t want me to come over

**Jesus:** I’m starting to feel the same thing

**James:** Literally both of you have already been here

**Peter:** Pretty sure that Judas is the only one who has a right to be insulted

**Judas:** I’m fine

**James:** Apparently if you want to be certain of being able to come over, do so in the morning

**Jesus:** Can I claim tomorrow morning’s time slot?

**James:** Sure. I’m going to stay here tonight, so please bring coffee

**Jesus:** You sure you will survive that?

**James:** Eh, if I get close to dying, I’m in a hospital anyway

**John:** Good job on the efficiency

**James:** Thanks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. The drama was lowkey. It's not anymore. I'm sorry but also not sorry


	19. Therapy with the Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This day once again got super long (that's what you get for starting at 5 am), so I'm splitting it in two

PM between Judas and Simon

_5:07_

**Judas:** I’m not going to tell him. You can do it if it matters so much to you

 **Simon:** I don’t think you want that

 **Judas:** By all means, please enlighten me on why the fuck you think that

 **Simon:** Cause if I do, you’ll be lucky if you get the silent treatment for fuck knows how long

 **Judas:** How on earth can you say shit like that and tell me I’m in the wrong?

 **Simon:** Just because he’s in the wrong doesn’t mean everything you do is suddenly fine

 **Judas:** Fuck you

 **Simon:** I can’t believe I’m playing relationship counsellor at 5 in the morning, but if being in an exclusive relationship is such a problem for you, why don’t you just suggest an open one?

 **Judas:** Yeah, because Jesus would definitely be okay with that

 **Simon:** I also can’t believe I’m the rational person in this chat, but did you even ask? Ever?

 **Judas:** Of course not. Because then he’d be free to do whoever the fuck he wants

 **Simon:** Judas, my friend, your double standard is astonishing

 **Judas:** I know, but I can’t help it

 **Simon:** Keep that up and I’ll start to be serious about the whole couple therapy thing

 **Judas:** I think I’d rather drown if that’s alright by you

 **Simon:** Or just face the fact that you have a problem. Or several

 **Judas:** Just because I cheated doesn’t immediately mean I have a problem, asshole

 **Simon:** Ignoring the fact that it does, you cheated with Matthew of all people

 **Judas:** So?

 **Simon:** Next thing I know you’re telling me you’re thirsting for Peter and John. I’m not going to claim to know what your type is, but it’s not genuinely sweet people like Matthew, I do know that much

 **Judas:** So what if I have a problem? I’m allowed one

 **Simon:** Or several

 **Judas:** Shut up, little shit

 **Simon:** Working on your own problems every once in a while won’t kill you

 **Judas:** And how the fuck am I supposed to do that?

 **Simon:** If I have to say the word ‘therapy’ one more time, I’m going to throw up

 **Judas:** Then stop saying it

 **Simon:** I would absolutely love to, but somehow it still hasn’t passed the barrier that is your thick skull

 **Judas:** You’re talking like therapists walk around the street having their number written on their foreheads

 **Simon:** Pretty sure those are hookers. Don’t go to them for therapy. You can just ask John for the number of his therapist

 **Judas:** Wait, John goes to therapy? Since when?

 **Simon:** Almost a year. I drove him a couple of times

 **Judas:** What’s he going for?

 **Simon:** Really not my place to tell you

 **Judas:** Fuck you

_5:43_

**Judas:** Alright, if I make an appointment with this guy, will you keep your mouth shut to Jesus?

 **Simon:** Sure

 **Judas:** Fine then. You need a fucking receipt?

 **Simon:** No, I trust you

 **Judas:** Sounds like a stupid ass thing to do

 **Simon:** Maybe, but I’ve been responsible enough for the rest of the year. It was about time to do some stupid shit to compensate

 **Judas:** And here I was thinking someone had stabbed some sense into you

 **Simon:** Not even close

 **Judas:** I’m still fucking pissed at you

 **Simon:** I know

PM between James and Simon

_5:53_

**Simon:** Be right back

PM between John and Judas

_6:20_

**Judas:** Can you send me your therapist’s number?

_6:57_

**John:** Yes, of course!

 **John:** [Contact attachment: P. Pilate]

 **Judas:** Thanks

 **John:** Are you okay?

 **Judas:** Yes

 **Judas:** Why do you have a therapist?

 **John:** It’s really none of your business, but I’ve had major issues with my body image, if you must know

 **Judas:** Oh. That’s shit

 **John:** As the owner of said issues, I know

 **Judas:** I hope the issues fuck up soon

 **John:** Thank you

The twelve

_7:28_

**James:** I can’t believe this is a question I’m asking, but does anyone know where Simon is?

 **John:** Aren’t you at the hospital?

 **James:** Yes, but he isn’t here and apparently the nurse at the entrance had seen him leave the department, but in between an emergency on the department and change of nurses at the entrance, they hadn’t noticed he hadn’t come back yet

 **Judas:** This morning he said he was going to do stupid shit

 **James:** You’ve got to be fucking kidding me

 **Peter:** I didn’t think anything Simon could ever do could surprise me, but I’ve been proven wrong

 **Jesus:** I have him

 **James:** What?

 **Jesus:** He was at the coffee shop, so he could drive back with me. For a stupid action, there was some amount of thought put into it

 **James:** Please hit him over the head for me

 **Jesus:** I would, but I’m driving and he’s asleep

 **Mary:** Don’t text while driving

 **Jesus:** I’m using speech to text, don’t worry

 **Mary:** Alright, but you’re on thin ice

 **Jesus:** Thank you. We’ll be there in about half an hour if the traffic isn’t too bad

 **James:** So more like 45 minutes, considering the morning jam

 **Jesus:** Probably

PM between James and Simon

_7:42_

**James:** I will fucking strangle you when you get here

_8:09_

**Simon:** Hot

 **James:** Idiot. What possessed you to leave the hospital?

 **Simon:** Boredom. The unsettling realisation that I hadn’t done something stupid in a while

 **James:** Seriously?

 **Simon:** It was mostly the boredom, to be honest. Don’t know if you noticed, but I haven’t really left that room since I got there Tuesday. It’s Saturday

 **James:** You know I’ve been pretty much stuck there as well, right?

 **Simon:** Yes and you have also fled

 **James:** …Alright, fair enough, but I’ll still strangle you. Doctor Bennett has given me explicit permission

 **Simon:** Wow, the immense betrayal

 **James:** That’s what you get for… what did you even do?

 **Simon:** Said hi to the hamsters, got pizza, took a nap and went to the coffee shop. It was ridiculously tame, to be honest

 **James:** Sure sounds like it. How were the hamsters?

 **Simon:** Lucille bit me

 **James:** I can fucking hear your satisfaction at the fact

 **Simon:** As you should. She’s adorable and I missed her, bites and all


	20. Muffins and Matthew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so after much thinking and deliberation (like... 5 minutes) CalamityCain and I decided to include Matthew as a character because clearly this fic needed another character that's not in the show
> 
> Also I had some issues with AO3 and formatting but I think I got it right, if not, please forgive me

PM between Matthew and Simon

_12:38_

**Matthew:** Do you know someone else who can get me affordable imported alcohol?

**Simon:** If you want the usual assortment of sickly sweet stuff, I still have some of that laying around

**Matthew:** Oh, that would work. I thought you were at the hospital?

**Simon:** I am, but I'll try to convince my friend to get it to you

**Matthew:** I don't want to bother him

**Simon:** Don't worry about it, he's been complaining about having nothing to do anyway. And can't have you running off to my competitors now, can I?

**Matthew:** Good customer service

**Simon:** That's what I stand for

**Matthew:** Could you maybe in the light of good customer service tell me when your friend is already dating someone?

**Simon:** Sorry about that, but in my defense, Judas and his boyfriend break up so often that I wasn't sure they were dating at the time

**Matthew:** Oh, that's strange but alright then

**Simon:** Yeah, don't break your head over it. You'll need several bottles of vodka to recover

**Matthew:** Pretty sure that's not the best way to recover from a head injury

**Simon:** I'll trust you on that, but it has always worked for me

_13:27_

**Simon:** Alright, I persuaded my friend to bring you the drinks. You can pay him

**Matthew:** Great, thank you! I'm home all day, so whenever suits him best is fine by me

PM between John and James

_13:43_

**James:** Did you still want to come over today? Because I have got to run an errand for Simon anyway, so I can drive you if you want

**John:** Please

**James:** Are you okay in being included in a shady transaction?

**John:** Well, I'm not exactly celebrating at the idea but I think I'll survive

**James:** I'll text you when I leave Simon's appartment

PM between Matthew and Simon

_14:56_

**Matthew:** Also in the light of customer service, please tell me when you're friends with a famous youtuber

**Simon:** I'm pretty sure this is starting to become less about costumer service and more about you lusting after my friends. In which case, should I feel insulted for being excluded?

**Matthew:** You're not though

**Simon:** Excluded out of this recent development then

**Simon:** Also, John is ace so don't even think of making him uncomfortable by coming after him because I will throw you off a roof

**Matthew:** I wasn't going to. You know I don’t do that kind of stuff

**Simon:** I don’t know. Judas also hooked up with you so it seems everything is possible

**Matthew:** Should I feel insulted?

**Simon:** Not really. More the opposite now that I think about it

**Matthew:** That’s just mean

**Simon:** You’re really only 1 species away from being a carbon copy of Tiberius

**Matthew:** Who is Tiberius?

**Simon:** One of my hamsters

**Matthew:** Why do you insist on insulting me today? Is it because I “left you out of recent developments" as you out it?

**Simon:** No, though now that you bring it up again, I do think it’s very rude

**Matthew:** Sorry?

**Simon:** Thank you

**Matthew:** In all seriousness though, would you throw me off a roof if I asked you to give my number to John?

**Simon:** Probably not, you’re a good guy

**Matthew:** In that case, will you?

**Simon:** John made me show the chat and he says that A, I'm not allowed to throw you off of anything and B, I should give you his number instead

**Simon:** [Contact attachment: John]

**Matthew:** Merci

**Simon:** Get the French away from me

**Matthew:** No

The twelve

_15:48_

**John:** Alright, I still don’t know about hospital food, but at least I can confirm that the hospital has some holy muffins

**James:** I can confirm this confirmation

**Mary:** Well, there’s really only one way to convince us of that and that’s by bringing us some

**John:** Or you could buy some yourself

**Peter:** The probability of us being allowed to come over is shaky at best what with all the unexpected but not surprising exceptions lately

**James:** And Simon is probably allowed to go home tomorrow

**Jesus:** That’s great!

**Peter:** Why did neither of you think to start with that?

**John:** Because muffins. Obviously

**Mary:** Really?

**James:** Don’t judge our priorities

**John:** You'll understand when you’ve tasted them

**Simon:** Wow. I don’t look at my phone for a few minutes and I'm immediately betrayed and stabbed in the back

**John:** I think either autocorrect or painkillers got the better if you

**Simon:** What?

**John:** Last time I checked you got strabbed in the stomach, not the back

**Simon:** And thus the betrayal intensifies

**James:** We'll bring you a muffin and you'll understand

**Simon:** You better bring two if you wish to return to my good graces

**John:** What gave you the idea we do?

_16:07_

**Simon:** They were right, the muffin takes priority

**Jesus:** This is ridiculous, but alright, now I need to try one too

**John:** I will bring muffins for everyone, even Judas despite the fact that he hasn’t said he wanted one

**Judas:** I don’t

**James:** Too bad, buddy

**John:** [Picture attachment: a paper bag filled with muffins]

**John:** Muffins for everyone! These ask for another movie night

**Peter:** Please no

**Mary:** We can skip the Disney for once

**John:** Can we?

**Peter:** Yes

**John:** But should we?

**Mary:** Yes

**John:** Alright, fine. Between 6 and 7 at my place?

**Mary:** Sounds good to me

**Peter:** I will leave once there’s even the slightest mention of Disney. Or if the muffins suck

**John:** They don’t, trust me

**Jesus:** Judas and I will come over around 7

**James:** I don’t think I'll come

**John:** Expected that. You know where to find the front door if that changes

**James:** Pretty sure I do, yes

_19:05_

**Mary:** Alright, the muffins are good

**James:** We know

**James:** [Picture attachment: several muffin wrappers on a table]

**Jesus:** That doesn’t look too healthy

**Simon:** When you’re in a hospital, healthy becomes a very relative term

**James:** It’s true. We were literally offered ice cream just a little while ago

**Jesus:** Please tell me you declined

**Simon:** [Picture attachment: two ice cream wrappers]

**Simon:** Of course not, what do you take us for?

**Mary:** You have lost the right to complain if you throw up in the next 24 hours

**Simon:** Bold of you to assume I needed the rights

**Judas:** At this point, you deserve some vomiting

**Simon:** You’ve been silent all day and you choose this to break the silence? I'm hurt

**Judas:** Sounds about right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I was offered ice cream while at the hospital. Yes, I accepted. It may have been at 23:00 because of course


	21. Drunk Texts

PM between Matthew and John

_1:58_

**Matthew:** Hi, this is Matthew. Simon gave me your number

**Matthew:** They say you shouldn’t text while drunk but I don’t think I'm that drunk

**Matthew:** And I mean the alternative is coming over as an insane fangirl. Boy. Person. Fanperson

**Matthew:** But like you're really pretty and seem super nice so what’s a person to do

**Matthew:** I'm a person

_Read 7:27_

_8:56_

**Matthew:** I am so sorry about all that I should’ve known better than to add you to my contact list before getting drunk. I'm really sorry if I made you uncomfortable

**John:** Don't worry about it, my friends have sent drunk texts that are way worse than that. I just figured I'd save you the mortification of replying

**Matthew:** That was probably a smart move. For the sanity of everyone involved

**John:** Exactly. I'd like to keep whatever sanity I have left. I'm sad to say it isn’t much

**Matthew:** I'm sure your friends can’t be that bad

**John:** You have met Simon, right?

**Matthew:** He isn’t too bad either in my experience

**John:** I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should buy a bottle of vodka off of Simon every now and then

**Matthew:** He does have good vodka

**John:** I know, but I usually get it for free, so he doesn’t have to preserve my sanity

**Matthew:** It may be worth the investment if it’s as bad as you say it is

**John:** You should really see the groupchat sometime. It’s a mess, though to be fair, I do contribute to it

**Matthew:** You don’t seem that bad either

**John:** How quickly we went from “really pretty and super nice" to “not that bad" has to be a record

**Matthew:** I didn’t mean it like that, I promise. I just figured I wanted to remove the drunk texts from everyone’s mind

**John:** Why? Drunk comments are a lot less harassing when given by someone who called themselves a fanperson and then had to remind themselves they were a person

**Matthew:** Keep reminding me and I won’t need Simon to throw me off a roof

**John:** I thought it was cute

**Matthew:** Wait. For real?

**John:** Yes

**Matthew:** Oh. That’s cool. Do you maybe want to go out sometime? I totally get it if you don’t, I'm probably not the first creep to ask

**John:** You’re not a creep. And not a girl, which is something else you have to your advantage

**John:** That’s a yes, by the way

**Matthew:** Seriously?

**John:** Yes

**Matthew:** Oh, awesome. I did not expect that. When is best for you?

**John:** Believe it or not, but my work schedule is pretty flexible

**Matthew:** Right, or course. Mine is kind of the opposite

**John:** What do you do?

**Matthew:** I'm a nurse, so my schedule is pretty strict and contains some ridiculous hours. Now that I'm looking at it, I have a lot of evening and night shifts next week

**John:** We can also grab breakfast or lunch if that fits better with you

**Matthew:** If you don’t mind. Preferably tomorrow or Tuesday, since I have a lot of night shifts after that and I usually prefer to simply change my entire sleep schedule if possible

**John:** Tomorrow is fine by me. There’s this French restaurant in the city that serves the best breakfast I've ever had. We can go there if you want?

**Matthew:** Sounds good!

The twelve

_11:57_

**Simon:** I'm a free man!

**Jesus:** You’re home already?

**Simon:** No, but I will be by the end of the day

**Judas:** In other words, they’re finally sick of him

**James:** I'm still surprised at the resilience of hospital staff

**Mary:** They’ve probably had worse

**Judas:** I find it hard to believe there is worse

**James:** The doctor did say this was the first time a patient had gone home just to get pizza with the full intention of coming back in the morning

**Judas:** That sounds more believable

_15:03_

**James:** Heads up everyone, Simon is once again loose

**Simon:** And James has already threatened to kill me

**Judas:** No doubt you deserved it

**John:** I'm morbidly curious as to the reason

**James:** The idiot wanted to go drinking

**Jesus:** Alright I usually don’t approve of death threats of any kind but this time it was kind of deserved. But I'm still opposed

**Simon:** Support out of principle is still support, no matter how meagre and I thank you for it, my friend

**Jesus:** I think I'm just going to accept that

**Mary:** While anything close to alcohol is an unbelievably stupid idea, we can finally do a proper movie night?

**Peter:** Sure. I'll even make an exception and accept Disney

**Simon:** I should get stabbed more often

**Jesus:** Don’t even think about it

**John:** I'm all for this, but I do have to leave on time

**Peter:** Aren’t you the only one without a work schedule? Well, save for Simon but I don’t think he'd keep that in mind when planning things

**Simon:** A correct assessment

**John:** Yes, but I have a date tomorrow and I would prefer not to appear half asleep

**Peter:** Wait, you have a date?

**John:** You don’t have to act so surprised, you know

**Mary:** Hasn’t it been like half a year at least since you last dated someone?

**John:** Yes, but the surprise is still unwarranted. And I barely know this guy so let’s not get ahead of the situation

**Peter:** Fair enough

_15:56_

**James:** So, is that responsibly timed movie night still going to happen?

**John:** Obviously, Peter approved of Disney

**Peter:** I may regret this

**James:** I also hope you all realise there’s no way Simon is going to stay awake for all of it

**Peter:** Oh look, regret

**Jesus:** Maybe it would be most convenient if we have it at wherever you two are staying

**James:** My place. Good idea

**Simon:** Since I'll be signing my death sentence by saying “bring booze", bring pizza

**Mary:** If we all come over at 6, we should have plenty of time to be done at a decent hour. Which is also nice for those of us who have to work tomorrow

PM between James and Jesus

_16:27_

**Jesus:** Now that Mary mentions it, shall we open the shop again tomorrow?

**James:** Yes. I don’t know what your plans are, but I'm definitely coming in. Simon and I are this close from just strangling each other

**Jesus:** Everything okay?

**James:** Yes, but there’s a reason we’re not permanently living together and being stuck in one room together for nearly a week has been a good reminder

**Jesus:** That makes sense. Please don’t actually murder each other

**James:** I can’t make any promises 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone worried about the absence of the drama, no worries, it will return very soon


	22. Summer vs Spring

PM between Simon and Judas

_9:49_

**Judas:** I hate you

**Simon:** Festive. What did I do this time?

**Judas:** You wouldn’t shut up about the whole shit with Matthew and your therapy crap so now I'm stuck in some stupid psychiatrist’s waiting room wasting my fucking time

**Simon:** And here I was fearing I had done something regrettable this time

**Judas:** Ass

**Simon:** Guilty as charged

**Judas:** This is ridiculous

**Simon:** Look at it from the bright side, free coffee

**Judas:** You do know this whole circus isn’t free, right?

**Simon:** While you’re there, discuss your pessimism

**Judas:** Fuck you

**Simon:** Try again once you’re done there

**Judas:** If this guy deserves it, I may just end up scheduling an appointment for you if you keep being an annoying shit

**Simon:** I'm not sure if you’re suggesting a threesome or watching out for my mental health, but either way, I thank you for your consideration

_11:26_

**Judas:** Can’t you next time butt into someone else's relationship?

**Simon:** You mean do I want to evoke the wrath of Mary? Because I'm not actually that stupid

**Judas:** Shame

**Simon:** I take it the conversation was enlightening then?

**Judas:** Shut up. This mess only got messier and I am fully blaming you

**Simon:** Blame accepted, though I don’t see how this can get any messier

**Judas:** How about I actually kind of feel guilty now?

**Simon:** Yeah, that will do it

**Judas:** I know

**Simon:** James isn’t home and I have a bottle of vodka I'm not allowed to touch, if you want

**Judas:** Be there in 10

**Judas:** I still hate you

**Simon:** I never dared presume anything else

The twelve

_13:52_

**Peter:** Yet another reason why summer sucks: sun dried towels

**John:** You are aware that you’re an adult who can choose how he dries his towels, right?

**Peter:** Well, yes, but with the sun right there and free I feel kinda obliged to dry everything in the sun. But towels just lose all their softness

**James:** You can also just tumble dry the towels

**Peter:** How many towels do you think I use?

**John:** Enough to complain about it, apparently

**James:** Also, what the fuck do you have against summer?

**Simon:** Summer sucks, accept the facts

**Mary:** I don’t know about sucks, but it’s not my favourite season either

**James:** But sun

**Peter:** Also very present during spring

**Judas:** Summer is the horrible cousin of spring that people pretend to like

**Simon:** That

**Jesus:** Summer is way better than spring

**James:** Thank you 

**Simon:** What are you two smoking there?

**Jesus:** Nothing

**Peter:** What does summer have that spring doesn’t?

**Simon:** A shitton of bugs

**Judas:** Tourists

**Simon:** Heatwaves

**Judas:** Thirst

**Simon:** More expenses to cover for the thirst

**Judas:** It never goes dark outside during normal waking hours

**Simon:** Mosquitos deserve their own honorable mention

**Judas:** It’s too hot to be alive

**James:** Alright this is getting scary. Simon, did you poison Judas?

**Simon:** Recently? No

**Mary:** Are you sure?

**Simon:** Fairly

**Jesus:** That doesn’t sound very comforting

**Simon:** Well, I've been told that technically speaking alcohol is poison so I can’t be more assuring than this

**James:** Simon, I swear if you’re drunk I will chop you up and spread the pieces over the city

**Simon:** I'm not drunk

**Jesus:** Is Judas?

**Judas:** Not really

**Jesus:** It’s half past 2. What’s going on?

**Simon:** I got bored as fuck and had to somehow persuade someone to endure my presence

**Jesus:** And vodka was the way to do it?

**Simon:** It’s the easiest way to do it

PM between James and Simon

_14:37_

**James:** This has to be one of the biggest piles of bullshit I've ever seen

**Simon:** Well sure, but only because you know what's going on. And Judas will kill me if I tell Jesus about the whole therapy situation

**James:** That’s problematic on several levels

**Simon:** Maybe, but it’s still true

**James:** Don’t die

**Simon:** I'll try my best

The twelve

_14:40_

**John:** Hey, why wasn’t I offered vodka to do practically nothing?

**Simon:** Because I had no idea til what time your date was

**John:** Alright, fair enough

**Jesus:** I assumed you had it tonight. How did it go?

**John:** I suddenly understand Peter’s motivation to not tell anyone about dating Mary

**Peter:** Thank you

**James:** Well, now I'm curious. Tell us

**John:** It went well

PM between John and Simon

_18:37_

**John:** Hey, I'm thinking of asking Matthew out again, but I want to make sure of what I'm getting myself into. Because I know most of your regulars aren’t the nicest people

**Simon:** Matthew really is one of the rare exceptions though. Not to say he doesn’t have a bit of a drinking problem, because I'm pretty sure he does, but I mean it when I say he’s a good guy

**John:** You sell alcohol to someone who you know has a drinking problem?

**Simon:** I really don’t know how to tell you that people with various degrees of drinking problems are like half my income. If I don’t sell it to him, he’ll get it somewhere else and at least I know I'm not an asshole who will make his problems worse

**John:** Hmm. Fair enough, I guess

**John:** How bad are the problems?

**Simon:** Not that bad. Judas has worse smoking habits

**John:** Alright, thanks

PM between John and Matthew

_19:17_

**John:** Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go out again? If your work schedule doesn’t kill you first at least

**Matthew:** I would love to!

**Matthew:** There’s just one thing I’ve got to tell you. Since you’re gay. And I mean it’s only fair anyway even if you weren’t

**Matthew:** I don’t know if Simon told you already, but I'm trans

**John:** You really didn’t have to tell me that, though I admire your courage for telling me after one date. But I'm into guys and you’re a guy, so it’s all fine, really

**Matthew:** Thanks

**John:** So that’s still a yes on a second date? We can just grab coffee if you’re too busy

**Matthew:** Coffee sounds like a good idea

**John:** Okay, I know I'm the one who suggested it, but I just remembered I don’t actually drink coffee

**Matthew:** Oh good, because I’m not the biggest fan of it either. There’s this little tea shop close to the hospital where I work. I haven’t actually been in yet, but it always smells amazing when I walk past and it looks nice

**John:** We can try it out. Tomorrow before your evening shift?

**Matthew:** So around 3 then. That works!

**John:** I can pick you up if you want?

**Matthew:** Merci

PM between Judas and Jesus

_1:27_

**Judas:** We need to talk

**Judas:** I cheated on you


	23. The Problems Unfold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another case of a day that needed to be split into 2, but I hope this will at least satisfy for the cliffhanger of last chapter

PM between Jesus and Judas

_7:14_

**Jesus:** How long?

**Judas:** Almost 2 weeks

_Read 7:17_

The twelve

_7:17_

_**Jesus** has left the chat_

_7:31_

**John:** What happened?

**Peter:** I don’t know. Maybe his phone is acting up? It did come from a questionable source

**John:** For some reason that doesn’t sound too likely

**Peter:** I'm also just guessing

**Mary:** I'll talk to him

PM between Mary and Jesus

_7:40_

**Mary:** Hey, what’s going on?

**Jesus:** Nothing

**Mary:** So that's why you left the chat? Because nothing whatsoever happened?

**Jesus:** I'm breaking up with Judas. Or I will. Eventually. I haven’t told him yet

**Mary:** What happened? Did you fight again?

**Jesus:** No. I wish that was it. We actually hadn't fought recently. Thought we were doing better. Stupid thought

**Mary:** What happened?

**Jesus:** He’s been cheating on me for the past 2 weeks

**Mary:** Oh fuck, I'm sorry. Want me to come over with heaps of chocolate?

**Jesus:** Please

PM between Simon and Judas

_7:52_

**Judas:** Well, everything’s fucking worse than it was, I hope you’re satisfied

**Simon:** How much of a sadist do you think I am?

**Judas:** This was all your idea

**Simon:** Pretty sure I had nothing to do with your sudden desire to cheat on your boyfriend

**Judas:** Fuck you

**Simon:** Just stating the facts. Not that blaming me is going to change them, but I'm willing to gloss over that

**Judas:** It's not like there’s anything else I can do while Jesus is being petty and silent

**Simon:** Have you recently considered explaining things? Maybe apologizing?

**Judas:** Like that’s going to change something

**Simon:** You won’t know until you’ve tried

**Judas:** If this makes things worse, I'm going to kill you

**Simon:** That sounds fair

PM between Judas and Jesus

_8:31_

**Judas:** Look, I fucked up and I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have done it and I should have told you. It just kind of happened after you wanted to move out and for some messed up reason it actually improved our relationship and I couldn’t stop

**Jesus:** Who was it?

**Judas:** What?

**Jesus:** Who did you cheat with?

**Judas:** What does is matter?

**Jesus:** Who was it?

**Judas:** Matthew. A customer of Simon, as it turns out

**Jesus:** Wait. You're telling me Simon knew?

PM between Simon and Judas

_8:43_

**Judas:** Fuck. I fucked up, I'm sorry

**Simon:** Fucked up how?

PM between Simon and Jesus

_8:44_

**Jesus:** It’s nice to know which friends can and can’t be trusted

PM between Simon and Judas

_8:44_

**Simon:** Oh, I see. Don’t worry about it, I'll live

**Judas:** He’s fucking impossible

**Simon:** You say that as if any of us are anything else. Well, maybe except Mary and Peter but I'm still waiting for the day where they will expose their deep dark secrets

**Judas:** For fuck's sake, can’t you act serious for once?

**Simon:** Of course not

PM between Judas and Jesus

_8:49_

**Judas:** Yeah, he pretty much tried to force me to tell you

**Jesus:** That’s why you’re telling? Just because someone forced you? I don’t know why I expected something else for a second there

**Judas:** It’s not the reason. Fuck, can’t you stop with assuming the fucking worst every time someone says something? You say you expected something else, but face the facts, you were just waiting for something else to accuse me of

**Jesus:** Please tell me why I should expect something else when you’ve just told me you’ve been cheating on me for two weeks

**Judas:** Why the fuck do you act as if it were two years? Calm the fuck down

**Jesus:** Good to know what your stance on the situation is

**Judas:** What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

_Read 9:14_

PM between Simon and Judas

_9:15_

**Judas:** Fuck, I fucked up. Again. I should’ve kept my fucking mouth shut

**Simon:** He would’ve found out sooner or later anyway, what with John dating Matthew

**Judas:** That’s who he is dating? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. How did this get worse?

**Simon:** Are you at home?

**Judas:** Yeah, why?

**Simon:** Give me 10 minutes

**Judas:** If you come over I swear I'll kill you

**Simon:** Whatever you need to cheer you up

PM between Peter and John

_10:08_

**Peter:** Are you also getting the idea that we’re the only ones who don’t know what’s going on?

**John:** Not specifically, what’s giving you the idea?

**Peter:** Well, Mary left pretty quickly after her message in the groupchat, so she definitely knows what’s up

**John:** Makes sense, she and Jesus are pretty close. That still leaves everyone else

**Peter:** I have little doubt that Judas is involved in whatever is going on and don’t you think James and Simon are uncharacteristically silent?

**John:** ...You’re right, they definitely know

**Peter:** Isn’t it nice to be included?

**John:** To be fair, if Judas is involved that may be how Simon knows which would definitely be how James knows. So Jesus doesn’t actually have to know that they know

**Peter:** I suppose you’re right. Though that was an unnecessarily complicated way of stating it

**John:** Look, I kind of don’t have the time for any of this. Can I make you admin of the group chat so you can let Jesus back if it comes to that?

**Peter:** Yeah, sure. Are you okay?

**John:** Yes, but I'm meeting with that guy again and I got some things I need to finish before that

**Peter:** Already? I take it “well" was an understatement then?

**John:** Maybe

**Peter:** What’s his name? How did you meet? I want my revenge on wanting to know all the details

**John:** I suppose that’s fair. His name is Matthew and we met through Simon, if you can believe it

**Peter:** Not really, but at the same time I can now call Mary my girlfriend so everything seems possible

**John:** You should have told me that before!

**Peter:** I was going to, but then the whole thing with Jesus happened and I figured it wasn’t the time

**John:** Understandable

The twelve

_10:48_

_**John** has added **Peter** as admin_

**Simon:** Does this mean the position of admin is up for debate again?

**Peter:** Definitely not

**John:** This is just for when someone needs to add Jesus back to this chat and I’m too busy to do so

**Simon:** Oh well, it’s a step in the right direction

**Mary:** I won’t count on it right now

**John:** Guessed as much, but just in case

_**Judas** has left the chat_

**John:** Alright then

**Peter:** Hey, now that we’re left without them. You all know what’s going on, spit it out

**Mary:** This really isn’t the best time

**Peter:** Alright, James or Simon then

**James:** I only know like half of it

**Simon:** More like 80%

**James:** I don’t know if it’s our place to say anything about it though

**Peter:** Look, usually I get that, but right now it’s literally just John and me that have no clue what’s going on and it kind of sucks

**Simon:** Judas cheated on Jesus and Jesus is, understandably, not a fan

**Peter:** Shit

**Simon:** Now, if you will all excuse me, I will now be killed. Please appreciate my sacrifice


	24. A Lot of PMs

PM between Mary and Simon

_13:17_

**Mary:** Has Judas said anything to you? Because I'm only getting one side here

**Simon:** Plenty, most of it being variations of “fuck"

**Mary:** That’s not useful, Simon

**Simon:** You'll have to forgive me for not writing out a transcription of everything that has been said

**Mary:** Just give me something to work with. I don’t know how to fix this

**Simon:** Don’t

**Mary:** What?

**Simon:** Don’t fix it. It’s not your problem, nor is it mine. Why should we fix it?

**Mary:** Jesus is my friend and I hate to see him like this

**Simon:** Understandable, but I'm still not risking my life by spilling everything to you

**Mary:** Is that why you didn’t tell Jesus when you found out his boyfriend was cheating on him?

**Simon:** No, I was going to tell him, actually

**Mary:** What stopped you?

**Simon:** Still not going to risk my life here

**Mary:** Please just give me something. Jesus being mad at Judas is one thing, but he feels horribly betrayed by you and James

**Simon:** Fuck, he figured out about James?

**Mary:** Yeah, it wasn’t that hard

**Simon:** If it helps, James still wanted to tell even after I decided not to. It took me way too long and explaining everything to convince him not to

**Mary:** That probably helps, though I think that will make his current opinion of you worse

**Simon:** I don’t care

**Mary:** Yes, you do

**Simon:** I know, but it will probably blow over and there isn’t really anything I can do about it anyway

**Mary:** Explain your reasoning?

**Simon:** And pissing off Judas for a shitty reason. Whatever I do, either one is going to be mad at me and at least now I have a solid reason

**Mary:** Alright, I see where you’re coming from

_13:59_

**Mary:** Do you think they will work this out?

**Simon:** If they start talking to each other like normal people, yes. Still not your duty to make them

**Mary:** I know, I just want to help

**Simon:** Pick up smoking again like the rest of us

**Mary:** Seriously?

**Simon:** Don’t tell James, I'd like to survive the day

**Mary:** I won’t

PM between John and Simon

_16:08_

**John:** I just read what you said in the groupchat. Is this why Judas wanted my psychiatrist’s phone number?

**Simon:** Yes. Don’t tell Mary. Or Jesus. Or anyone else to be honest, Judas will kill us

**John:** Of course I won’t. Though I'd like to point out the hypocrisy where apparently you told Judas I go to therapy

**Simon:** I know, I'm sorry. I had to convince him somehow. The alternative was me telling Jesus and you can imagine the shitshow that would have followed that

**John:** Wait, how long have you known?

**Simon:** About half a week

**Simon:** Which reminds me of something else you should probably know. Judas was cheating with Matthew

**John:** What?

**Simon:** Matthew didn’t know Judas was already in a relationship though

**John:** Oh, okay then. And you didn’t think to tell him of course?

**Simon:** I wasn’t sure Jesus and Judas were dating at the time and after I found out they were, I was kind of busy with convincing Judas to tell Jesus and being in a hospital

**John:** Alright, fair enough. Thanks for telling me

PM between Peter and Mary

_17:21_

**Peter:** Hey, are you okay?

**Mary:** I'm fine

**Peter:** Are you sure?

**Mary:** Well, I've been better, but I think I kind of need to let go of trying to fix this

**Peter:** Easier said than done, I assume?

**Mary:** Very much

**Peter:** I don’t know what your plans are at the moment, but we can have dinner together while rewatching Friends if you want

**Mary:** That sounds kind of great right now. I'm just not really sure if I should leave Jesus alone. He needs a friend

**Peter:** Just see how things go and let me know when you decide on what to do. I don’t care for early dinner anyway

**Mary:** Thank you

**Peter:** Of course

_18:46_

**Mary:** If your offer still stands, I'd like to take you up on it

**Peter:** I'll put the pizzas in the oven

**Mary:** I'll be there in 15 minutes or so

PM between Jesus and Judas

_22:37_

**Jesus:** I'm breaking up

**Judas:** I'm almost surprised. Pretty sure at this point I'm due one free break up

**Jesus:** Don’t act as if this is my fault

**Judas:** No, I already said it was my fault. Your fault is acting like a petty bitch about it and just sulking instead of even remotely trying to talk

**Jesus:** Why should I listen to anything you have to say? You’re a liar who will twist the truth to suit himself and who won’t tell anything important until he’s forced. Nothing you can say could make any of this even slightly better

**Judas:** Only because you fucking don’t want it to, because then you'd have no reason to feel so damn sorry for yourself

**Jesus:** You think I wanted any of this to happen?

**Judas:** I think you’re making it worse than it needs to be to give yourself a reason to sulk and play the martyr and victim so other people can have some stupid good opinion of you. Nevermind that you’re sacrificing your relationship to do so. I must be expendable

PM between Simon and James

_23:14_

**Simon:** I'll probably crash on Judas’ couch tonight

**James:** I was starting to wonder about that. Are things that bad?

**Simon:** Well, it’s not like this is their first break up so relatively speaking it’s not that bad, but it’s not their smoothest break up ever

**James:** You'd think at least one of them would realise it’s messed up that there is a ranking in the smoothness of their break ups

**Simon:** I think it will take less time to wait for my self-preservation to kick in than to wait for that

**James:** Stop it with the self awareness. It’s scary

**Simon:** Never

PM between Judas and Pilate

_23:59_

**Judas:** Any chance you have a spot for a second appointment any time soon?


	25. How to Turn your Friends Against You 101

The twelve

_9:25_

**John:** Does anyone have any objections to me adding the guy I'm dating to this group? He doesn’t believe me when I say it’s a hectic mess

**Peter:** Sure, go ahead

**Mary:** Are you sure this is the best time?

**John:** I'm not going to wait on Jesus and Judas for my own relationship to develop

**Mary:** When put like that, you’re totally right, go for it

**James:** Do what you want, but are you sure you're that sick of him yet?

**Simon:** RIP Matthew

_**John** has added **Matthew** to this chat_

**Matthew:** What is this?

**John:** This is the groupchat which is definitely as bad as I said it was. Well, we’re currently missing two people but it’s still bad

**Simon:** That you dare speak about us in that manner is an insult of the highest degree

**James:** He’s not wrong though

**Simon:** How often do I have to explain that the truth can still be insulting?

**Mary:** If it’s so insulting you could also work to change the truth

**Peter:** Good one

**Simon:** That sounds like too much effort. I think I'll just continue feeling insulted

**John:** Thank you all for proving my point

**Simon:** You’re very welcome

**James:** For fuck's sake. Alright that’s it, you’re moving out

**Simon:** And that before I raided your fridge. Rude

**James:** Deal with it. Or raid the fridge on your way out, whichever makes you happy

**Peter:** Please force him to raid your fridge. No need to give him more reasons to complain

**Simon:** Well, now I'm torn between pasta and complaints

**Mary:** Take the pasta. I don’t think your body is ready to suddenly transition from decent food back to microwave meals

**Simon:** Good point. Alright, I'll take the pasta

PM between Matthew and John

_10:03_

**Matthew:** Are you sure adding me to the chat was a good idea?

**John:** Yeah, why?

**John:** Oh wait, I see. James and Simon kick each other out every now and then. Which is why they don’t permanently live together and choose to pay double rent. That’s just how their mixture of friendship and relationship works. Simon is aro, so they’re not actually dating

**Matthew:** You mean a queerplatonic relationship?

**John:** If they ever choose to officially define it as such instead of letting everyone struggle for a term, yes. But they were both getting sick of each other and were needing space after having spend a week together at the hospital. It was really just a matter of who would act first. It’s not your fault

**Matthew:** Alright, if you say so

**John:** You know Simon. Can you imagine living together with him?

**Matthew:** I'm still maintaining that he isn’t that bad

**John:** Give it a couple more messages in the groupchat

PM between James and Jesus

_10:37_

**James:** Hey, are you coming to the store today?

_Read 10:38_

PM between James and Simon 

_10:38_

**James** : It seems I'm still on Jesus' blacklist

**Simon:** Join the club. Pretty sure Peter and Mary are the only ones who aren’t. And technically John, but that’s just a blacklisting waiting to happen

**James:** What makes you say that?

**Simon:** The fact that John is dating Matthew

**James:** Oh right. That’s messed up

**Simon:** You say that as if any of this isn’t

**James:** Fair enough

**Simon:** Are you okay with your blacklist status though?

**James:** Well, I'm not exactly happy about it, but it’s not like I can change it

**Simon:** Sad but true

PM between Jesus and John

_12:50_

**Jesus:** Can you add me back to the groupchat?

**John:** Sure

The twelve

_12:51_

_**John** has added **Jesus** to the chat_

PM between Jesus and John

_12:52_

**Jesus:** Why did you add Matthew to the groupchat?

**John:** Because I'm dating him

**Jesus:** Do you know what he did?

**John:** Yes

**Jesus:** And you’re still dating him?

**John:** Clearly

**Jesus:** Why?

**John:** Because I really like him. And don’t you dare get mad at me for this. I really would want my friends to get along with a potential boyfriend but I won’t shove him aside just because you and Judas are going at it again. It’s not like Matt had malicious intend anyway, because he didn’t know Judas was in a relationship, though I'm not sure if it matters whether he knew

The twelve 

_13:01_

_**Jesus** has left the chat_

PM between Jesus and John

_13:02_

**John:** Thanks for trying to get along with someone I just said I really like. Means a lot

The twelve

_13:03_

**Peter:** What happened?

**John:** Jesus wanted to be added back, but then he saw that Matthew was here and he couldn’t deal with the fact that I'm dating the guy who Judas cheated with

**Matthew:** I can leave

**John:** You don’t have to. Jesus doesn’t get to decide who I’m dating

**James:** Yeah, buddy, Jesus is kind of pissed with almost everyone here at the moment. Don’t go out of your way to please him

**Peter:** He is?

**Mary:** Yeah. He's mad at Judas for obvious reasons and mad at Simon and James because they knew Judas was cheating and didn’t say anything. And now John, apparently

**Peter:** You’re kidding me. Is Judas by any chance also irrationally mad at everyone?

**Simon:** Not more than usual

**Peter:** That’s annoyingly rational

**Mary:** Why is that a bad thing?

**Peter:** Because he was clearly in the wrong here, but Jesus is kind of just acting horribly right now. It would be easier if they were both acting that way

**James:** Very true

_13:24_

**Mary:** Lunch at the park, anyone?

**James:** Sure, I'll lock up here and head over

**Peter:** I'll come over once this meeting is done

**Mary:** Aren’t you supposed to not text during a meeting?

**Peter:** It's a boring call

**Mary:** Alright, fair enough

**John:** I'll be there in 15 minutes or so

**Simon:** Eating normal food? Already? The idea alone is ridiculous

**James:** So that’s a yes?

**Simon:** Obviously

**Mary:** Hey, Matthew, you want to come?

**Matthew:** If you don’t mind

**Mary:** Of course not

**Simon:** We promise to let you live this once

**Matthew:** Alright then

**Peter:** You should’ve run while you had the chance

PM between Jesus and Mary

_15:41_

**Jesus:** I think I screwed up

**Mary:** Yeah, you did. I hate to say it, but you kind of turned everyone against you

**Jesus:** Everyone? Shit. I didn’t think. I just... got mad I guess

**Mary:** I understand where you’re coming from, even if I don’t agree with it. You’re hurt and it makes sense that in the progress you say things you don’t mean. But I hope that you understand that it makes equal sense that whatever you say can hurt other people too and that they shouldn’t just act like nothing happened

**Jesus:** I do. I really do. But I don’t know how to make up for it

**Mary:** I'd suggest giving everyone some time right now. Including yourself. And then tomorrow apologise. These are your friends and none of them are very prone to holding grudges

**Jesus:** That sounds rational, though I can’t help but doubt at its effectiveness

**Mary:** Don’t forget who we’re talking about. John is one of the kindest people I know and Simon and James are ridiculously easy going. And Peter is really only conflicted because of how you’ve treated the others

**Jesus:** I'm not so certain that I should apologise to Simon and James though. James perhaps, after what you’ve told me. But Simon... I don’t think I'm in the wrong here

**Mary:** I don’t know, as Simon refuses to tell me the entire story. But I do think this may be an all-or-nothing situation. Just talk to him and see how it goes. And please, don’t say anything you’ll regret later

**Jesus:** I won’t. Or at least I'll try. Thanks

**Mary:** Any time


	26. Brownie Mountain

PM between John and Jesus

_8:14_

**Jesus:** Hey, I'm really sorry about yesterday. You’re right, you’re free to date whoever you want and I should at least try to get along with Matthew. And I promise I'll try my best to do so and not let prejudice colour my judgement

**John:** Thank you. I think I get where you were coming from, but I don’t want to put myself on second priority. Especially considering how much you and Judas fight. No offense

**Jesus:** None taken, you’re right. You and your relationships take priority and it shouldn’t appear otherwise

**John:** Do you want me to add you back to the groupchat?

**Jesus:** Not yet, I need to talk to James and Simon first

PM between James and Jesus

_8:49_

**Jesus:** I'm sorry for suddenly giving you the cold shoulder yesterday. I was feeling hurt and betrayed that you hadn’t told me about Judas, even though Mary told me that you wanted to. I guess I was too stupid to listen

**James:** Don’t worry about it, buddy. You have a right to be hurt

**Jesus:** I still shouldn't have done it

**James:** Maybe, but what's done is done. It's fine

PM between Simon and Jesus

_13:52_

**Jesus:** Look, I would want to apologise to you for what I said yesterday, but I can’t help but feel I'm not in the wrong. Mary insists you had a reason not to tell me, but I can’t judge the situation when I don’t have the reason

**Simon:** You could also just trust that I would have a good reason

**Jesus:** I want to, I do, but... I can’t

**Simon:** Great

PM between Simon and Judas

_13:58_

**Simon:** Any chance I can tell Jesus about the whole therapy thing?

**Judas:** No

**Simon:** Guessed as much

**Judas:** Then why the fuck do you ask?

**Simon:** Because Jesus is mad at me for not telling him about you and Matthew and I can’t explain why without telling him that you’re going to therapy

_14:29_

**Judas:** Fine, you can tell him

**Simon:** Thanks

**Judas:** Don’t make me regret this

**Simon:** I'll try my best

PM between Simon and Jesus

_14:33_

**Simon:** Look, I was trying to persuade Judas to tell you and in the progress the topic of therapy came up and eventually he agreed to see a psychiatrist if I didn’t tell you about the situation with Matthew

**Jesus:** Wait. Judas is going to therapy?

**Simon:** Yeah. That’s kind of why he ended up telling you anyway

PM between Jesus and Judas

_14:39_

**Jesus:** You’re going to therapy?

**Judas:** I've been twice, don’t make it into more than it is

**Jesus:** Why didn’t you tell me?

**Judas:** Why should I? It’s not like you’re my boyfriend

**Jesus:** And whose fault is that?

**Judas:** I'm pretty sure at this point it’s a combined effort

**Jesus:** What on earth did I do?

**Judas:** Refuse to talk or listen to me

PM between Simon and Judas

_14:51_

**Judas:** [Picture attachment: a screenshot of the PM with Jesus from 14:39]

**Judas:** Who would’ve guessed that this could get messier?

**Simon:** Everyone

**Judas:** I hope it was worth it

**Simon:** I don’t know. He pretty much left me hanging after I told him

**Judas:** Seriously?

**Simon:** Yep

**Judas:** You've got to be fucking kidding me

**Simon:** Don’t get mad now. You were at least talking without swearing and with minimal accusations

**Judas:** You say that as if this conversation is an improvement

**Simon:** From what you’ve shown me of your previous conversations, it is

**Judas:** Fine, but I'm not yet done with this new strike of bullshit

PM between Jesus and Judas

_15:05_

**Jesus:** Alright, fine. I'll listen, though I don’t see what difference it makes

**Judas:** Is there even anything I can say that won’t just make this worse?

**Jesus:** I don’t know. You are the one who wanted me to listen

**Judas:** Before now

**Jesus:** I can’t exactly go back in time

**Judas:** Fine, have it your way. Guess I'll just repeat myself

**Judas:** I'm sorry. I fucked up. I didn’t mean to keep it going, but then we fought less and things improved and I figured “well, if it works, why not?” I didn’t stop to consider that you might get hurt in the progress. Didn’t know that Simon knew Matthew, though maybe it wouldn’t have mattered and you would’ve found out anyway

**Judas:** Maybe an open relationship would work better for us, but I can’t even suggest that because I know I wouldn’t be able to see you with someone else. Even the thought makes me ridiculously jealous. Simon says it’s a stupid double standard and he’s probably right, but I can’t help it

**Judas:** I thought this whole therapy shit might help but so far it’s just making everything worse. Or I am. I don’t fucking know

**Jesus:** I have to think for a while

**Judas:** Fine. Whatever

**Judas:** Also, stop being an asshole who takes his friends for granted because he’s too busy feeling sorry for himself

**Jesus:** I have stopped

**Judas:** Are you sure?

**Jesus:** What do you mean with that?

**Judas:** I don’t know. Maybe take some time to think about that too

PM between John and Jesus

_16:53_

**Jesus:** Can you add me back?

**John:** Sure!

The twelve

_16:54_

_**John** has added **Jesus** to this chat_

**Jesus:** I'm really sorry for once again making things uncomfortable

**John:** I think we can deal with a day of discomfort

**James:** Yeah, buddy, it wasn’t that bad

**Jesus:** I'm baking you all brownies as we speak

**Peter:** Nice

**Jesus:** And Matthew, I'm really sorry for being harsh on you without having even exchanged a word with you

**Matthew:** That’s fine, really. It makes sense

**Jesus:** That doesn’t make it right

**Matthew:** It’s still fine

**Jesus:** Alright, if you're sure. If you give me your address, I can deliver you some brownies too

**Matthew:** I'm kind of at John's right now, though I'll leave in an hour to go to work

**Jesus:** Then I'll be there within the hour

PM between James and Simon

_17:23_

**James:** What’s going on?

**Simon:** I didn't know there was something going on apart from the whole break up between Judas and Jesus

**James:** There must be, considering you haven’t said anything in the groupchat despite the brownies

**Simon:** Oh. Right

**Simon:** [Picture attachment: PM between Simon and Jesus from 13:52]

**James:** Has he said anything after that?

**Simon:** Nope. Apparently he went off to figure out some relationship stuff with Judas

**James:** Fucking hell

PM between James and Jesus

_17:31_

**James:** Apologise to Simon

**Jesus:** What?

**James:** You’ve apologised to everyone else but the moment Simon tells you something about Judas, you forget all about him and rush off to attend to your own stuff again

**Jesus:** Shit, you’re right. I can't believe I'm this horrible

PM between Simon and Jesus

_17:36_

**Jesus:** I am so so sorry for walking out of this conversation suddenly. That was an asshole move

**Simon:** It was

**Jesus:** I'm also sorry for acting harshly to you and doubting your reasoning

**Simon:** It’s fine

**Jesus:** Are you sure?

**Simon:** Not really, but I'm not sure if that’s going to change right now

**Jesus:** That’s understandable. I shouldn’t have taken you for granted that way. And I should have trusted you

**Jesus:** Do you still want brownies?

**Simon:** Of course. Would I ever say no to brownies?

**Jesus:** Maybe if you were mad you would

**Simon:** Maybe, but I'm not mad

PM between James and Simon

_17:58_

**Simon:** You’re see-through 

**James:** Maybe, but apparently it worked

**Simon:** It did. Thanks

PM between John and James

_18:41_

**John:** Are we the only ones who got a literal mountain of brownies?

**James:** Nope. I tried my best to eat them all, but I ended up donating like half to Judas. Simon had the same thing

**John:** Yeah, same here. Which means Judas is now faced with two mountains of brownies

**James:** Or more

**John:** Give me a second

PM between Peter and John

_18:49_

**John:** Any chance you and Mary also donated half their brownie mountain to Judas?

**Peter:** Yes, how did you know?

**John:** James, Simon, Matthew and I did the same thing

**Peter:** Poor Judas

PM between John and James

_18:53_

**John:** It's more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The wonderful idea of everyone donating their brownies was brought to you by CalamityCain
> 
> The speed with which this chap was written was brought to you by my sister XD


	27. The Disadvantages of Getting Drunk

PM between Simon and James

_10:29_

**Simon:** Alas, you were right

**James:** Of course I was

**James:** About what?

**Simon:** Getting drunk being a really stupid idea

**James:** One of these days you should start to just believe what I say instead of trying it out for yourself

**Simon:** I would, but that goes against the rules of science and I can’t do that

**James:** Since when do you care about the rules of science?

**Simon:** Since high school when Mr. Higgins told us you always need to factcheck by copying experiments and then proceeded next class to show us a video of a series of experiments concerning some gasses and the effect fire has on them

**James:** Poor man

**Simon:** Oh well, we all make mistakes

**James:** So I take it then this getting drunk experiment wasn’t a success?

**Simon:** Sadly not. I'm didn’t even get drunk, to be honest

**James:** Too bad

**Simon:** Very much so, but at least I'm spared a hangover

**James:** Do you want to try another experiment and ignore some doctor’s orders?

**Simon:** I'm intrigued. Please elaborate your proposal

**James:** Want to come over to get high and hook up?

**Simon:** Always, but I'm leaving afterwards

**James:** You better

PM between Mary and Jesus 

_12:44_

**Jesus:** I don’t know what to do

**Mary:** What do you mean?

**Jesus:** Apparently Judas goes to therapy and we talked yesterday and... wait, I'll just show you

**Jesus:** [Picture attachment: screenshot of the PM between Jesus and Judas from the previous day]

**Mary:** That definitely is a lot

**Jesus:** I just don’t know how to feel anymore, much less what to do

**Mary:** What are the things you’ve wanted to do? Just tell them all, no matter how contradictory

**Jesus:** I'm still mad at him, so I can’t... I don’t just want to forgive him. But at the same time I want to. But I don’t even know what difference it would make. It’s not like we can get back together. Not after this. I can’t trust him anymore. But... I love him. And I miss him. A lot

**Jesus:** Part of me just wants to forget about all of this and beg him to come back, but I'd feel so stupid for doing so. And how do I know that he won’t do it again? Especially if there aren’t any consequences

**Mary:** There have been consequences, otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation. No matter the amount of fights you two have gotten into, I've never doubted that Judas doesn’t want to hurt you and that he doesn’t like to see you hurt. So I believe it when he says he didn’t think you would get hurt, which makes me believe he wouldn’t do it again

**Mary:** I'm not saying you should forgive him, because if you’re not ready for that, you shouldn’t. But if this is what is stopping you, you might want to reconsider it. But you could also just accept his apology without forgiving him

**Mary:** As for getting back together, I know it’s your decision, but if you want my opinion, I don’t think you should do it yet while feeling this conflicted

**Jesus:** Those are all good points. I'll think about it. Thank you

**Mary:** Of course

PM between Mary and Peter

_13:41_

**Peter:** Hey, are you okay?

**Mary:** Yeah, why?

**Peter:** You didn’t sound that great yesterday evening. I actually wanted to come over during your lunch break, but sadly work got in the way

**Mary:** That was probably for the best. It’s ridiculously busy here. I'm not sure if I would have been able to make time

**Peter:** It’s still that busy?

**Mary:** Yes. The heat is causing all kinds of problems and then there are all the young animals who are now old enough to get their vaccines and that’s on top of the usual business

**Peter:** Don’t forget to take some time for yourself

**Mary:** I do

**Peter:** Are you sure? You’ve been doing an awful lot of multitasking lately. I'm sorry, I don’t mean so doubting, but I'm worried you might be overworking yourself

**Mary:** I had Tuesday off and unless things go crazy, I don’t have to work this weekend either

**Peter:** No offense, but you spent all of Tuesday helping Jesus

**Mary:** He needed me

**Peter:** I know. And I get that you want to help him and I think you’re a great friend for doing so, but don’t forget yourself in the progress

**Peter:** You matter too, you know

**Mary:** Thanks

**Peter:** Just... please try to take a break sometime soon?

**Mary:** I will, I promise

The twelve

_17:18_

**John:** Anyone want to do something tonight? Since it’s Friday and this time no one is hospitalised

**James:** As long as I don’t have to come up with something

**Simon:** As much as I regret to say it, getting drunk is not an option

**Peter:** Did your phone get stolen by someone responsible?

**John:** Maybe we need to call the hospital. It's clear to me something is off

**Matthew:** It's not unusual for patients to suddenly get more careful after being discharged from the hospital, though considering the blood loss it may be smart to do a check up anyway

**James:** No worries, the idiot has simply already tried getting drunk

**Simon:** Your concern however is most appreciated

**John:** And you gave up after one time? Coward

**James:** Please don’t motivate him to try again

**Jesus:** Before this ends in getting drinks anyway, can I suggest just getting food?

**James:** Thank you. Yes

**John:** You do realise you don’t have to physically deal with any consequences, right?

**James:** ...Good point. Hey, Simon, bring booze

**Simon:** Sure thing

**Mary:** Do not bring booze. Not that I have the time to join you for whatever you decide to do, but don’t bring it

**Peter:** Agreed

**John:** Typical

**Peter:** Shut up

**Jesus:** If I play host and make sure there’s food, can I veto any sort of alcohol?

**Simon:** That sounds like an acceptable compromise 

**Jesus:** Alright, then you can all come over after 7

PM between John and Matthew

_17:48_

**Matthew:** Do you think I'm included in ‘you all’?

**John:** As long as you want to subject yourself to this, yes

**Matthew:** I think I'll survive 


	28. Meese

PM between Simon and Judas

_9:48_

**Judas:** Is Jesus back in the groupchat?

**Simon:** Yes

**Judas:** Nevermind then

**Simon:** Why?

**Judas:** Let’s be honest, I won’t be doing anyone any favours by entering the same chat as him

**Simon:** Alright, fair point. Though I don’t see why you let that stop you

**Judas:** I'm just going to pretend I didn’t read that

**Simon:** Coward

**Judas:** There’s just no point to it, okay? Better to sit this one out

**Simon:** Agree to disagree

New group

_10:03_

_**Simon** created this group_

_**Simon** renamed this group **Many moose should be meese**_

_**Simon** added **Judas** to this group_

_**Simon** added **Mary** to this group_

_**Simon** added **Peter** to this group_

_**Simon** added **John** to this group_

_**Simon** added **James** to this group_

_**Simon** added **Matthew** to this group_

PM between Simon and Judas

_10:06_

**Judas:** I hate you

**Simon:** You’re welcome

Many moose should be meese

_10:07_

**Peter:** What on earth?

**James:** Simon, what the fuck is this for?

**Simon:** It has been too long since I made a new groupchat

**John:** You realise you don’t need to hit some sort of quota of groupchats made per month, right?

**Simon:** Of course, but just because I don’t need to, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t

**James:** One of these days I will murder you for creating yet another groupchat. I swear my entire chat list is filled with them

**John:** There aren’t that many, are there?

**James:** I wish there weren't

**James:** [Picture attachments: screenshots of James' chatlist, which after PMs and the main groupchat mostly consists of chats with names that were almost certainly made up by Simon]

**Peter:** That’s just painful to look at

**Simon:** You’re simply envious for not being in every single one of them and James should be thankful that he is

**Judas:** *You're simply thankful for not being in every single one of them and James should be envious that he is

**James:** That sounds more correct

**John:** Wait. James. Some of those chats haven’t received new messages for months. Why are you still in them?

**James:** Because I can’t ever be bothered to throw chats away

**Judas:** Any shred of sympathy I may have had just disappeared

**Simon:** You're all just cowards who leave chats too early

**Peter:** Wait. Why is there a chat named ‘educating Peter’?

PM between James and Simon

_10:40_

**Simon:** Traitor

**James:** That’s what you get for making useless groupchat number 3016. I simply can’t keep track of them anymore

**Simon:** If you think this will forgive your treason, you are sorely mistaken

**James:** I think I can live with that

Many moose should be meese

_10:42_

**John:** A chat where we prioritise which Disney movies to subject you to

**Simon:** Traitors all around

**Peter:** Wait, John is in it too? Are all of you?

**Judas:** I'm not. Thank fuck

**John:** Jesus and Judas were spared for some reason

**Peter:** Mary is in it too then?

**Simon:** And thus unfolds the first betrayal of the girlfriend

**Mary:** In my defence, we were all more or less forced

**Peter:** ...Yeah, I can believe that

**Simon:** I would like the record to show that for someone who was supposedly forced, Mary has brought forth some very helpful contributions

**John:** It’s true

**Mary:** Doesn’t change the fact that I was still very much forced into the chat

PM between Jesus and Judas

_14:16_

**Jesus:** Look, I don’t know how else to say this and I've tried to do so more times than I can count so I'll just have to say this in a way I do know how to

**Jesus:** I appreciate your efforts and your honesty. I believe everything you've said and I accept your apology

**Jesus:** However, I don’t think I can forgive you. At least not now. I will also definitely need some time before I can trust you again

**Jesus:** As for getting back together... it’s really not an option now and I honestly don’t know if it will ever be one again

_Read 14:38_

PM between Simon and Mary

_15:56_

**Mary:** Do you want a free ice pod?

**Simon:** What for?

**Mary:** Your hamsters. What with the heat and all, we’re currently selling them at the clinic, so I can get you one for free if you want

**Simon:** Do you think one is enough?

**Mary:** Unless your hamsters gained some serious weight, one pod should be big enough

**Simon:** Then I won’t say no to that. Their royal majesties thank you

**Mary:** I'll drop one off after work if that’s alright with you

**Simon:** Sure. Since when do you work during the weekend?

**Mary:** I actually had the day off, but it got super busy so they called to ask if I could come anyway. But I'm tomorrow off again

**Simon:** Alright then. Also, I'd like to offer you a fair warning: there’s a grumpy Judas walking around on the premises

**Mary:** Why is he grumpy? Or is it normal grumpy?

**Simon:** Jesus had some less great stuff to tell him, apparently

**Mary:** Oh, I think I know what you mean. We talked about it yesterday. Is Judas taking it somewhat well?

**Simon:** It could’ve been worse. He was only freakishly mad for half an hour or so

**Mary:** Shit. Are you okay?

**Simon:** Of course. What do you take me for?

**Mary:** Someone who was discharged from the hospital only a week ago after getting stabbed

**Simon:** Ah. Fair enough, but the stomach area has been spared

**Mary:** That’s only slightly comforting

**Simon:** I'm afraid I don’t have much else to offer you

**Mary:** Alright then. I should be done in about an hour, so I think I'll be at your place at a quarter past 5

The twelve

_17:32_

**Jesus:** I still have leftovers from yesterday. Anyone who wants to help finish them over a movie?

**James:** Be there in 10

**Peter:** If it’s enough, I'll come over as well

**Jesus:** I'm pretty sure it’s enough for everyone. And if not, I still have mini pizzas in the fridge

**Simon:** Alas, I won’t be gracing you with my presence

**James:** Are you saying no to free food? Really? Are you sick?

**Simon:** No, I'm simply way too lazy too leave the apartment and one of these days I should eat the pasta I stole from you before I have to throw it away

**James:** Okay, yeah, that sounds like a not sick you

**John:** I still have some things I need to finish tonight, so I won’t come either

**Mary:** I’ll be there in about half an hour

PM between Simon and James

_17:57_

**James:** Almost bought it

**Simon:** To be fair, I genuinely don’t feel like getting up or getting dressed. I'll probably order take out and scar the delivery person. Or start a threesome, who knows

**James:** You're a fucking idiot, I hope you know that

**Simon:** Of course I do


	29. Cake Icing

Many moose should be meese

_11:26_

**Simon:** [Picture attachment: a simple cake with dark red icing that says ‘thanks for being a human punchbag']

 **Simon:** Everyone, spare a thought for the person who had to do this icing

 **Peter:** Who on earth did that?

 **Simon:** Some bakery that does those online orders

 **James:** Poor baker

PM between Mary and Simon

_11:32_

**Mary:** You do know it isn’t healthy for someone to beat up their friend, especially without a good reason, no matter the amount of cake sent afterwards?

 **Simon:** Aren’t you the one who has been completely tiring herself out for her friend?

 **Mary:** What are you talking about?

 **Simon:** You’re working six days a week and playing Jesus' psychiatrist. Do what you want, but I don’t think you’re the best person to comment on how healthy a friendship is

 **Mary:** Jesus doesn’t beat me

 **Simon:** Yeah, because it’s Jesus. He wouldn’t hit an actual punching bag. Meanwhile we’re all tip toeing around him when he’s in one of his moods in fear of unleashing some passive aggressive strike for who knows how long

 **Mary:** Maybe you’re right, but that doesn’t mean what Judas is doing is right

 **Simon:** Probably, but I honestly don’t care. Bruises fade. As long as he doesn’t have a go at me every other week, it’s all fine by me

 **Mary:** Alright then, but I stand by what I said

 **Simon:** So do I

Many moose should be meese

_12:44_

**John:** The fact that this was seemingly done without protests or questions attests to the baker already being soulless

 **Matthew:** Or this was the final straw

 **John:** This honestly just makes me curious to all the weird things this baker has had to ice onto cakes

 **Simon:** I was personally feeling the irresistible urge to order cakes with even more ridiculous and traumatizing icing

 **James:** ...Fuck, now I am too

 **John:** I am officially intrigued

 **Peter:** What bakery even delivers on Sunday?

 **Simon:** Michael's Bakey Bake, apparently

 **Mary:** That’s a real bakery?

 **Simon:** As it turns out, it is

 **Peter:** That’s ridiculous

 **Judas:** All of this is ridiculous

 **James:** But we’re still going to order ridiculous cakes, right?

 **John:** Definitely

 **Simon:** Of course

 **Mary:** I don’t want to be a party pooper, but Simon, you still owe everyone money

 **John:** Not me anymore

 **Mary:** Really?

 **Judas:** The shit paid me off too

 **Simon:** No fears, you and Peter will soon receive your due too. Sadly some stabbing accident delayed the earning of money

 **Mary:** Alright then, forget I said anything

 **John:** Are you four joining in?

 **Peter:** ...Alright, why not

 **Matthew:** Sure

 **Judas:** I have better things to do. And any spare space I may have had in my fridge has been taken up by the brownies you all for some reason decided to sent my way

 **Simon:** That’s a valid excuse

 **Mary:** I know of a couple of things to better spend my time with as well

_16:07_

**Matthew:** The cake came in

 **Matthew:** [Picture attachment: a cake that says ‘there is something between a parasol and umbrella called en-tout-cas’]

 **Peter:** Same here

 **Peter:** [Picture attachment: a cake that says ‘this would have looked good with candles but that costs more']

 **John:** [Picture attachment: a cake that say ‘don’t make your foundation too cakey']

_16:14_

**Simon:** Mine was late, but it has arrived

 **Simon:** [Picture attachment: a cake that says ‘No day is complete without setting something ablaze']

 **James:** [Picture attachment: a cake that has so many lines written on it that it isn’t readable anymore]

 **John:** What is that?

 **James:** The first chapter of a random book I grabbed of the shelf. Decided to push the character limit

 **Peter:** Poor baker

 **John:** Yep. But at least we have cake now

 **Matthew:** I don’t even care for cake, to be honest

 **James:** What are you going to do with it?

 **Matthew:** I'll probably scrape off the icing and bring it to work

 **Simon:** Coward

 **Matthew:** I'd like my co-workers to think I'm at least a bit responsible. Considering I work in a hospital

 **Simon:** Understandable, but you’re still a coward

 **John:** And probably the most responsible person here, together with Mary

 **Judas:** That’s laying the bar very low

 **Peter:** Hey! I’m not that irresponsible

 **John:** You adopted a scorpion

 **Peter:** Very responsibly

 **Judas:** Now that Simon has three hamsters, owning pets is no longer a measurement for responsibility

 **Simon:** Rude

 **James:** He has got a point

 **John:** Is the scorpion even still alive?

 **Peter:** Of course

 **Peter:** [Picture attachment: Sting chilling on a rock]

 **Simon:** I still need to meet him in person

 **Peter:** As long as you bring the cake and not set my apartment on fire, you can come over

 **Simon:** Hell yeah. Give me 15 minutes

 **Judas:** Very responsible

 **Peter:** Hey! James has Simon over on the regular!

 **James:** One of the reasons I should not be considered responsible

 **Peter:** ...Alright, good point

 **Matthew:** Neither of you seem that irresponsible to me

 **James:** Trust me buddy, appearances can be very deceiving

 **John:** This man gets high at least once a week but doesn’t think it necessary to shower more often than that

 **James:** It isn’t

 **Matthew:** Alright, that will do it

 **Peter:** I still maintain I'm not that irresponsible

 **Mary:** Half the things in your kitchen are expired

 **Peter:** They still smell, look and taste fine!

 **John:** Very responsible

PM between Jesus and Judas

_18:47_

**Jesus:** You know you can come back to the groupchat, right? I think we’re both adult enough to not make everyone else uncomfortable

 **Judas:** I'm fine

 **Jesus:** I can also temporarily leave if that’s better for you

 **Judas:** I just said I'm fine. I can live without that chaos

 **Jesus:** Oh, alright then, if you’re sure

PM between John and Matthew

_21:06_

**Matthew:** Got to love nightshifts on the children department when they’re all asleep

 **John:** At least you have a quiet night

 **Matthew:** That’s true, but it’s still a bit boring

 **John:** Alright, then help me with my next video

 **Matthew:** How?

 **John:** Well, I'm kind of blanking so any idea you have is welcome

 **Matthew:** Didn’t you have a list with back-up plans?

 **John:** Yes, but I don’t feel like doing any if those so if I can avoid it, I will

 **Matthew:** Maybe do one of those simpler tutorial videos you used to do? I don’t know if the algorithm is going to like that, but I know I really enjoyed them. Despite never trying out any of it myself

 **John:** I’m pretty sure at least 90% of the viewers of any tutorial never plans to actually do it themselves

 **Matthew:** Probably true

 **John:** But that’s not a bad idea. I think I'm going to do that, thanks

 **Matthew:** No problem

 **John:** Also, can I do your make up sometime? I promise you won’t have to leave the house with it

 **Matthew:** Sure, as long as you pinky promise

 **John:** Pinky promise


	30. Showers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this chapter is super short and I'm really sorry for that, but I haven't been able to add anything for like two days and I kinda just want to put it out there. So forgive the length, next chapter should be up to my normal standards!

PM between Jesus and Simon

_ 11:53 _

**Jesus:** When’s the last time James took a shower?

**Simon:** Why are you asking me?

**Jesus:** Because you usually have a pretty good estimate 

**Simon:** Assuming that he hasn’t showered in the past couple of days, it may have been two to three weeks

**Jesus:** Well that explains why he smells so horribly

**Simon:** Good luck with dying

**Jesus:** At least I can send him home today since it’s super quiet, but I doubt my luck will hold up tomorrow

**Jesus:** Please convince him to shower

**Simon:** How am I supposed to do that?

**Jesus:** I don’t know. How do you usually do that?

**Simon:** Shower sex

**Jesus:** I did not want to know that

**Simon:** That’s really your fault for asking

**Jesus:** You still could have said something else

**Simon:** That’s rich coming from the guy who I've walked in on getting fucked at least thrice

**Jesus:** Not my fault that you never knock

**Simon:** Lock the door like a normal person

**Jesus:** I can’t believe I'm having this conversation, but I sincerely doubt that you lock the door when going at it

**Simon:** Of course not, but I'm not the one complaining about getting too much information 

**Jesus:** You could also just convince someone to take a shower in a normal way

**Simon:** Sure, but where’s the fun in that? Besides, this is easier

**Jesus:** Is it?

**Simon:** Getting James aroused and willing to get in the shower vs convincing him that he should take a shower and then making sure that he does? Take a wild guess

**Jesus:** Alright, fair enough, though I seriously regret asking

**Simon:** Yeah, that’s really on you

**Jesus:** But can’t you do that now?

**Simon:** I could, but that sounds like an awful lot of effort

**Jesus:** Really?

**Simon:** Jesus, my friend, when you’ve decided to do nothing productive all day, everything is an effort. And it’s not like I have to deal with the smell anyway

**Jesus:** Please? It’s not like I can convince him if that’s the only efficient way to do it

**Simon:** Have you tried?

**Jesus:** Seriously?

**Simon:** I'm just saying. You could try yourself first before asking someone else

**Jesus:** ...Have you even smelled this? How can you even get turned on when that stench is in the air?

**Simon:** Jesus, my friend, I have little to no standards

**Jesus:** I'm realising that. So, will you do it?

**Simon:** I don’t know. What’s in it for me?

**Jesus:** You usually don’t need any convincing 

**Simon:** Oh well sure, but usually I'm not doing it for someone else's pleasure

**Jesus:** Well, you’re allowed to get some pleasure out of it yourself

**Simon:** How kind of you, but have no fear. I will

**Jesus:** Well, then that’s what’s in it for you 

**Simon:** You’re horrible at negotiating 

**Jesus:** I know

**Simon:** But because I'm an incredibly nice person, I will release you from your suffering

**Jesus:** Thank you. That only took knowing way too much about the sex life of my friends

**Simon:** You don’t even know half of it, my friend 

**Jesus:** And I'd like to keep it that way

PM between Simon and James

_ 13:08 _

**Simon:** Are you home yet?

**James:** Yes, why?

**Simon:** I am bored and have been informed that you are in need of a shower

**James:** Seriously?

**Simon:** When the stars align, it’s rude to ignore it

**James:** Uhuh, sure. Well, don’t let the stars wait then

**Simon:** Be there in there ten

**James:** Weak

**Simon:** Seven then

Many moose should be meese

_ 15:49 _

**John:** Alright, this has been bothering me ever since this chat has been created. The plural of moose should not be meese

**Simon:** Yes, it should be

**Matthew:** Why?

**Simon:** Because the plural of goose is geese

**James:** ...I hate the amount of sense that makes so much

**Judas:** It’s stupid

**Matthew:** It does make some amount of sense. Somewhere. A bit

**Peter:** That’s not how the English language works

**John:** Not one bit

**Simon:** But it should

**Mary:** But it doesn’t 

**John:** And meese sounds really bad

**James:** That’s only cause you’re not used to it

**Simon:** Yet

**Peter:** Are you really trying to hold a small revolution to change a language?

**Judas:** Are you surprised?

**Peter:** ...Not really, no


	31. The Carrot Incident

The twelve 

_9:26_

**John:** Help. I just found out Simon fucked Matthew 

**Simon:** Can confirm

 **Peter:** What do you need help with?

 **John:** Processing the fact that apparently my boyfriend screwed around with the carrot fucker 

**Matthew:** The what?

 **James:** I think everyone wished it was just a carrot

 **Peter:** Wait. Are you saying it wasn’t just a carrot?

 **James:** Well, I already had a hunch because it’s Simon, but he just confirmed it so yes, it was not just a carrot 

**James:** Also please save me

 **John:** We would, but this is payback for the fact that you scarred us with this

 **James:**...Fair enough 

**Matthew:** I'm getting the feeling I really don’t want to know what this is about 

**John:** Apparently Simon fucked some vegetables in Judas’ kitchen. Judas told James and James told everyone else

 **Peter:** To our regret

 **Matthew:** You’re kidding, right?

 **James:** I wish

 **Mary:** I still don’t believe it

 **Jesus:** I do, to be honest

 **James:** As someone who knows the limits Simon has in and around bed, this is entirely plausible 

**Simon:** Bold of you to assume I have limits

 **Matthew:** From my limited experience I can confirm this

 **John:** I still can’t get over the fact that you have experience

 **Peter:** Did Simon force you?

 **Matthew:** What? No

 **James:** You’re allowed to tell 

**John:** You’re save here

 **Matthew:** There was no forcing!

 **Simon:** There was some forcing 

**Matthew:** ...Fine, but no forcing me into anything 

**Mary:** I definitely don’t believe that

 **James:** I'm not even sure I wasn’t forced, there’s no way you weren’t 

**Jesus:** Suddenly violently realising you’re gay after 30 years because you hooked up with a stranger who you next morning found out was male is not being forced 

**James:**...Look, you’re not wrong but you don’t have to say it like that

 **Mary:** Maybe it was the alcohol 

**James:** That adds up

 **Matthew:** It doesn't

 **John:** Really?

 **Simon:** Just on one side though

 **Matthew:** It wasn’t that much

 **Simon:** It wasn’t, but all the facts should be known

 **James:** I'm having a hard time believing that

 **Peter:** We do not need to know all the facts

 **Mary:** Definitely not

 **John:** So there were drugs then?

 **Matthew:** Why do you automatically assume there were drugs?

 **John:** Because we’re supposed to believe there was no forcing and little to no alcohol involved

 **James:** Can’t have been drugs though

 **Jesus:** Why?

 **James:** Simon on drugs can’t force anyone into anything. Weed makes him too slow and stimulants too fast

 **Simon:** I can force you into plenty with some coke

 **James:**...Fine, but not into sex, if only because you can’t stay in one place long enough for it

 **Simon:** That’s very true

 **Peter:** Please, I don’t need trauma flashbacks to Simon on speed

 **Jesus:** Is it really that much worse than the remembrance of the vegetable incident?

 **John:** Or the fact that he screwed with my sweet as hell boyfriend

 **James:** I can’t believe I'm living together with this man. Maybe that’s the worst of all

 **John:** Personally, I find the combination of all of this pretty damn scarring

 **Mary:** How are none of you immune yet?

 **John:** I'm pretty sure this is one of those things you can’t become immune to

 **Peter:** As the person who has known Simon the longest, I can confirm this

 **James:** How are you still as sane as you are?

 **Peter:** I don’t know

 **Simon:** I have simply graciously been easy on Peter

 **Peter:** If I'm getting the easy treatment, I feel sorry for everyone else

 **James:** As you should 

**John:** Why doesn’t the rest of us get the easy treatment?

 **Simon:** Matthew does

 **Mary:** Pretty sure Judas does too

 **James:** Oh, come on. I fuck you all the time and nothing, but they do it a couple of times and get the easy treatment?

 **Simon:** Judas would kill me if I didn’t go easy on him

 **Matthew:** And I've paid Simon more money than I would like to admit

 **Simon:** It’s true 

**James:** Still unfair

 **Peter:** And for the record, I have never slept with Simon in my life. Ever. Not going to happen either

 **Simon:** Also true 

**Jesus:** Now that I'm looking at it, me, James and John may be the only ones not getting the easy treatment 

**John:** It’s the J plus the lack of murdering tendencies

 **James:** I think you’re onto something. Maybe it’s time for a name change

_11:19_

**James:** Or maybe not

 **John:** Weak

 **James:** Sometimes the hard way is a good way

 **John:** Still weak

 **James:** Eh, maybe, but it’s worth it

_18:34_

**Simon:** Since I am once again capable of holding back alcohol, anyone up for drinks?

 **James:** Fair disclaimer to everyone that this was tested with one shot of tequila and no one knows if it’s true for more alcohol than that

 **James:** But regardless, I'm in

 **Mary:** It’s Tuesday

 **Simon:** I am well aware 

**Mary:** Most of us have to work tomorrow

 **John:** Really just you, Jesus and Peter, to be honest

 **Mary:** Really?

 **Matthew:** My shift doesn’t start until 13:00

 **Jesus:** Due to the heat, very little people are out these days, which means it’s super quiet at the store, so James and I are taking turns coming in

 **Mary:** Alright then, forget I said anything 

**Simon:** John and Matt, are you coming?

 **Matthew:** Of course

 **John:** Sure

 **Peter:** I'll come too to make sure all of you get home in one piece. Or just that you get home, depending in how the night goes 

**Simon:** Your sacrifice is much appreciated 

**Peter:** I'm going to regret this

 **Mary:** Undoubtedly 

PM between Simon and Judas 

_18:58_

**Simon:** Do you want to go out for drinks?

 **Judas:** Weren’t you staying off the liquor?

 **Simon:** I was, but that’s in the past now

 **Judas:** Who else is coming?

 **Simon:** James, John and Matthew, and Peter has volunteered to be designated driver

 **Judas:** He’s going to wish he hadn’t 

**Simon:** I intend to make sure of that, yes

 **Simon:** So, are you in?

 **Judas:** Sure. This definitely can’t go wrong 

**Simon:** Eh, things going right is boring anyway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does Simon go easy on anyone? No. Do they all ignore that for the sake of a stupid discussion? Of course


	32. I'm Batman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I still put dates at the start of each 'day'? Yeah, that was hella convenient. But I stopped for some unknown reason (aka I forgot). But it's kinda handy especially for days split in two like this one (which also technically is a continuation of the day of the last chapter... not confusing or anything). So I'll be adding the day instead of the date so maybe things continue to make some amount of sense

The twelve

_ Wednesday _

_ 0:33 _

**Peter:** I don’t know what’s more depressing, the fact that no one is really drunk yet or that this is the only moment of peace I'll have tonight

**Mary:** Are you sure no one is drunk?

**Peter:** Positive. John is the furthest gone and he’s still completely within reason and entirely comprehensive 

**Peter:** No one else looks or sounds like they’ve had several shots already. Which they have

**Jesus:** You should have seen this coming

**Peter:** No, because no one told me that Matthew can hold his alcohol as well as Simon and Judas. They’re actually doing a game of who can get drunk first and nothing yet!

**Jesus:** Judas is there?

**Peter:** Yeah, apparently Simon invited him

**Jesus:** Oh... that’s... good. Can you maybe keep an eye on him?

**Peter:** That’s what I'm here for

_ 0:51 _

**Peter:** Update: John is officially drunk, James is tipsy and the other three are still infuriatingly sober

**Jesus:** They can’t still be sober

**Peter:** If they’re anything else, it isn’t noticeable at all

**Mary:** At all?

**Peter:** Well, I think Matthew talks more than usual, Judas may swear a bit more than usual and Simon may be more... Simon than usual. But that’s it

**Jesus:** I have some serious troubles believing this

**Peter:** The lack of drunk texts should be proof

**Mary:** They still have their phones?

**Peter:** Yes. It’s payback for when James convinced you to give drunk me my phone

**Jesus:** What did everyone else do?

**Peter:** They’re simply in bad luck for being here as well

**Jesus:** Fair enough

**Peter:** And not going to lie, it’s kind of infuriating to see them playing cards like normal people while surrounded by shot glasses. Who does that?

**Jesus:** Our friends, apparently 

**Peter:** I want new ones

**John:** Rude

**Peter:** He said while pushing my Fanta to the floor 

**John:** It fell by itself!

**James:** It’s true, officer, I saw the whole thing

**Peter:** For some reason, I'm not trusting either if your testimonies

**John:** That’s illegal

**Mary:** Peter, I think you should be more open to the possibilities here

**Peter:** That my bottle magically fell over the edge of the table, which was at least 10 cm away and that John’s hand just happened to follow it in its tracks?

**Mary:** Yes

**John:** It wasn’t magic. It was gravity 

**James:** Obviously 

**Peter:** Helped by your hand!

**John:** Or was it your hand?

**James:** How the tables have tabled

**Mary:** That is not... I give up

**Peter:** You think this is bad? I think Simon just lost the competition 

**Jesus:** Really? I would’ve put my money on Matthew

**Peter:** To be fair, I think Matthew is drunk and that it happened several minutes ago. He’s just better at hiding it than Simon, who jumped up the moment someone whispered something political 

**Jesus:** That sounds realistic

**Peter:** Judas joined the heated discussion 

**Mary:** Poor person who they’re up against. Do you know them?

**Peter:** Not really. May have seen her once or twice but her friends just called her Hannah, if that tells you anything

**Jesus:** Oh I know her. Judas hates her friend, Rachel. A lot. Any girls there with purple and blue hair?

**Peter:** No, but there is someone whose hair looks like a watermelon

**Jesus:** ...Well, that could be her. Good luck

**Peter:** Thanks

_ 2:28 _

**Peter:** Well. Judas didn’t get into a fight with this Rachel girl

**Jesus:** But Simon did?

**Peter:** Very much so

**Matthew:** Flee while you still can

**Peter:** I would, but I can’t 

_ 2:35 _

**Peter:** In an unexpected turn of events, Simon and Rachel went from physically fighting to making out

**Jesus:** That’s not that unexpected to be honest

**Peter:** Oh okay, I thought so too but I figured that was just because of the circumstances. Not sure anything that can happen here would really be unexpected

**Jesus:** That’s very true. How’s everyone else?

**Peter:** John and Matthew are surprisingly quiet. Apparently Matthew gets very calm when he’s drunk. They claimed a couch in the corner. Good thing too, because everyone else is testing my patience

**Peter:** Judas got into a fight with someone else on top of Hannah or whatever her name is and I just lost James for the second time

**Jesus:** Second time isn’t that bad

**Peter:** In 10 minutes. Thanks to the fighting there aren’t that many people here. We are not in a crowd. Last time he was sitting under a table for some reason

**Jesus:** Okay, I can see how that will chip away at your sanity

**John:** Guys. People. Friends. I have secrets to tell you. Such secrets. Grand secrets

**Jesus:** Isn’t the point of secrets to not tell them?

**John:** Shhh. Don’t spoil the mood

**Peter:** What are the secrets?

**John:** Matthew is Batman

**Peter:** Are you sure?

**John:** Very. He’s also Robin Hood

**Jesus:** He’s Batman and Robin Hood? At the same time?

**John:** No. He is Batman by night, Robin Hood by day. He’s Fiona. From Shrek. But without ogre and with Batman

**James:** YOU’RE TELLING ME I'M FRIENDS WITH ROBIN HOOD?

**John:** And Batman

**Matthew:** It’s a secret. Don’t tell anyone. Not even John

**James:** I won’t **.** I swear on my grave 

**Jesus:** James. You’re not dead

**James:** No, but my grave is pretty damn comfortable

**John:** How do you know? I've always wondered 

**James:** I laid down in it

**Peter:** Where are you?

**James:** My grave. Duh

**John:** Learn to read 

**Matthew:** And he claims that we are drunk

**Peter:** You are drunk

**John:** See? That’s exactly the kind of rude behaviour we should be fighting against

**James:** But I'm too comfortable to fight

**Peter:** Alright, I'm going to find out where on earth you are

**Peter:** [Picture attachment: James outside the bar laying face first on the ground with his phone in his hand next to him]

**Jesus:** ...I think I just got even more glad that I'm not there

**Peter:** As you should be

**James:** Peter robbed my grave!

**Peter:** Of what? There wasn’t a grave, let alone anything in it

**James:** Of me!

**Matthew:** Wow. Not cool

**John:** See? Rudeness that should be fought against! I'll get Simon to join the revolution 

**James:** VIVE LA REVOLUTION!

**Peter:** I'm fucked

**Jesus:** As long as Judas doesn’t get involved you should be safe 

**John:** Oh good one. Matthew, expand our ranks

**Matthew:** Aye aye captain

**Peter:** Thanks, Jesus

**Jesus:** Sorry

**_John_ ** _ added  _ **_Judas_ ** _ to this chat _

**John:** Behold the atrocities committed against our race

**Judas:** No

**Simon:** Looks like Jesus is the real culprit here. Peter is a mere minion

**John:** Wow you’re right

**Matthew:** He isn’t yellow though

**James:** But he does have two eyes

**Matthew:** Shit good point

**Judas:** The minions are as guilty as whoever they work for

**John:** But they’re kinda cute though 

**James:** BE STRONG

**Peter:** Okay while they’re still discussing whether I should be fought against or not, I’m going to get them home before they make that decision

**Jesus:** Smart move 

**Simon:** Or bring us to your master so your life may be spared

**Peter:** If I don’t have to drag you in the car and if none of you throw up there, I might

**John:** Nice

_ 3:59 _

**Peter:** John threw up. But luckily for me he threw up on Simon and Matthew

**Jesus:** That could have been worse

**Peter:** I dropped John and Matthew off at John's place since I have no idea where Matthew lives. Judas is at his own place and Simon and James are at James’s place

**Peter:** Everyone has been left with painkillers

**Jesus:** You'd think that would minimize the complaints tomorrow

**Peter:** You know it won’t 

**Jesus:** Sad but true


	33. Time for an Insurance

The twelve

_Wednesday_

_10:42_

**John:** Although a hangover is better to deal with without trips to the pharmacy, I'm still opposed

**Jesus:** You knew that when you went drinking

**John:** Yes, but what I didn’t know is that I would be stuck with Matthew, who doesn’t have a hangover whatsoever

**Matthew:** I have a slight headache

**Peter:** That’s all?

**Matthew:** Yeah. I tend to not get horrible hangovers and I wasn’t that drunk anyway

**Peter:** ...If that is your ‘not that drunk' then what on earth is your proper drunk?

**Simon:** [Picture attachment: Matthew hanging upside down out of an open window]

**Simon:** [Picture attachment: a slightly blurry picture of Matthew mid-run carrying something bright pink above his head, being chased by someone else]

**Simon:** I hope this paints a picture clear enough for your liking

**John:** Maybe too clear

**Jesus:** That’s Matthew?

**Simon:** Correct

**Matthew:** Why do you have those pictures?

**Simon:** Because I need to amuse myself somehow when you’re all running around drunk

**Matthew:** Fair enough

**John:** You’re telling me you’re not always at least as drunk as the people surrounding you?

**Simon:** Correct

**James:** I'm not buying it

**Simon:** I would love to be lying about this, but I can’t exactly get drunk myself if there’s no one else around to keep an eye on the people who I got drunk

**Jesus:** That may be the most responsible thing you’ve said in... maybe ever

**Mary:** Don’t read over the ‘people who I got drunk’ bit. It makes this significantly less responsible 

**John:** I'm still having trouble believing this

**Matthew:** It’s true. Pretty sure yesterday was the most drunk I've seen Simon in a while

**Peter:** Wish I could say that

**Mary:** I think that goes for all of us

**Jesus:** Speaking of which, I'm not hearing that much complaining. Did Matthew transfer his immunity to hangovers?

**James:** Oh no, don’t worry. There has been plenty of complaining

**Simon:** But I can bring it into the groupchat if you so wish

**Peter:** Please don’t

**James:** Go for it

**John:** Why would you say that?

**James:** Because I can ignore complaints through text. Not so much when they’re verbal

**Judas:** That really sounds like your problem

**John:** Yeah, no need to share your suffering

**Mary:** And are we supposed to believe you’ve been entirely complicit in your hangover?

**James:** Of course not

**Simon:** Why would you make such ridiculous suggestions?

**Jesus:** If you’re all so hungover, why are you all texting?

**John:** Suffer with us

**Peter:** [picture attachment: screenshot of John's message from 5 minutes ago when he said ‘no need to share your suffering']

**John:** ...Fine. Simon, go for it

**Simon:** The inventor of the sun should be burned at the stake after being drowned to near death

**James:** Really? You’re going for the sun? When all the curtains are closed?

**Simon:** Well, I could also do without the sound of you throwing up every 15 minutes but it sounded unkind to complain about that

**James:** Shut up

**Peter:** Well, that backfired

**Judas:** If you had thought about that for about 2 more seconds you would have seen it coming

_**Peter** has left the chat_

_**John** added **Peter** to the chat_

**Judas:** And that too

**Peter:** I swear, it’s impossible to leave this chat

**Judas:** You’re telling me

PM between John and Judas

_12:16_

**John:** Shit, I'm sorry for adding you to the groupchat yesterday

**Judas:** It’s fine, you were drunk

**John:** You can leave if you want. I promise I won’t add you back in

**Judas:** I said it’s fine

**John:** Are you sure?

**Judas:** If I had set my mind on leaving I would have done so by now. Or at least kept my mouth shut

**John:** I suppose that's true

The twelve

_12:29_

**Jesus:** Wait, James, you’re throwing up every 15 minutes? That doesn’t sound good

**James:** Don’t worry, I threw up like two or three times. Simon is being a drama queen

**Simon:** It’s true. But when better to be dramatic than when suffering from a hangover

**John:** Literally any other time

**Judas:** Or just don’t be a drama queen at all

**Simon:** Judas, my friend, you know I can’t do that

**Peter:** Sad but true

PM between Judas and Simon

_13:36_

**Judas:** Just for the record, I do think that destruction of property is an act of violence even if the owner of said property is a selfish bastard

**Simon:** I was wondering about your agreement yesterday

**Judas:** You were lucky that Hannah was so full of shit that she overshadowed your bullshit

**Simon:** I'm still right

**Judas:** No, you’re not

**Simon:** Says the guy who slashed the tires on Caiaphas’ car

**Judas:** While you keyed the doors

**Simon:** Not violence

**Judas:** Damage or property is violence

**Simon:** Not if said property belongs to stuck ups like Caiaphas

**Judas:** Even in that case. Justified violence perhaps, but still violence

**Simon:** With people like Caiaphas it’s just what they deserve

**Judas:** The two aren’t mutually exclusive

**Simon:** They don’t have to be, but in this case they just so happen to be

**Judas:** Alright, I can’t be bothered to have this discussion

**Simon:** I'm going to take that as a victory

**Judas:** I swear I'll strangle you

**Simon:** You'll have to move your ass out of your apartment first

**Judas:** Keep talking and I might

**Simon:** Coward

**Judas:** I hate you

**Simon:** I'm at James'

**Judas:** Be there in 10

The twelve 

_15:46_

**James:** Do you guys think it’s too late to close a life insurance?

**Mary:** You’re not married anymore, nor are you in legal partnership and I assume you don’t have any kids that you didn’t tell us about?

**James:** Fuck no

**Mary:** Then why would you want a life insurance?

**James:** Because I'm pretty sure this is the day I die and I'd like for something to come out of it

**John:** Why of all days is this the day?

**James:** Judas and Simon have lapsed into a debate that has been going on for an hour at least

**John:** Good luck with dying

**Matthew:** They’ve been debating for an hour? About what?

**James:** I don’t know. I lost track after about 10 minutes

**Peter:** Get out while you still can

**James:** I would, but the couch is comfortable and they’re in the kitchen anyway

**Jesus:** Isn’t your living room divided from the kitchen by nothing but the counter?

**James:** Yes, hence the hunch that I won’t survive the day

**Matthew:** If it’s just a debate it can’t be that bad

**James:** If it’s one between Simon and Judas it can and will be that bad

**Peter:** Perhaps you should be looking at a contents insurance instead of a life insurance

**James:** Way ahead of you, but turns out that ‘my sort of roommate is an idiot' isn’t covered

**Peter:** Too bad

**John:** We'll always remember you as the guy who could have avoided death if he hadn’t been too comfortable to move away from his pending doom and who couldn’t get the insurance he desperately needed in his life

**James:** That’s a legacy I can live with

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did some research (not an awful lot) and apparently some arachists think damage of property shouldn't be considered an act of violence if for example you're damaging the building of someone exploiting society (or damaging th car of people like Caiaphas XD) So I did not make that up XD


	34. The Bookstore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John as a hobby does photography (he used to do this as a job) and is admin of the instagram account for the bookstore  
> Peter is junior accountant and does the finances for the bookstore because both Jesus and James suck with money

New group

_ 10:32 _

**_Peter_ ** _ created this group _

**_Peter_ ** _ added  _ **_Jesus_ ** _ to this group _

**_Peter_ ** _ added  _ **_James_ ** _ to this group _

**Peter:** Hey guys, I just finalized the finances for the shop from this month and it’s not looking too good

**Jesus:** Shit

**James:** That was to be expected

**Jesus:** How bad is it?

**Peter:** Not too bad. You did lose money, but you should be fine with rent and stocking up next month and such. I wouldn’t advise stocking up as much as usual, but you should also have plenty still unsold so that should be fine

**Jesus:** But?

**Peter:** There’s definitely no room to set anything aside for the extension and your own cuts are significantly smaller than usual

**James:** That could be worse

**Peter:** Could be better as well. I've mailed the files to both of you

**Jesus:** Thank you

**Peter:** No problem

PM between James and Simon

_ 11:09 _

**James:** Can I borrow some money? Like, couple hundred?

**Simon:** Sure, what for?

**James:** The shop didn’t do too well last month so somewhere in between that, paying for rent and food I'm going to miss money

**Simon:** Are you missing for rent?

**James:** Not if I don’t want to eat and enjoy the benefits of electricity and gas

**Simon:** All of those sound horribly overrated

**James:** True, but food is good

**Simon:** A very good point, my friend. Alright, why don’t you just pay rent and I pay everything else?

**James:** Buddy, that division is uneven as fuck 

**Simon:** Obviously, but I am having this conversation while my phone is plugged in your wall socket and while eating your food

**James:** Fair enough

**Simon:** On that note, please get new pasta somehow from somewhere

**James:** How did you already finish the one from yesterday?

**Simon:** By eating it

**James:** ...Oh well, at least this saves me from eating half burned pasta

**Simon:** You’re welcome

PM between James and John

_ 12:10 _

**Jesus:** Hey, what are the statistics of the instagram account of the bookstore?

**John:** Pretty stagnant, but I haven’t posted very regularly lately, sorry 

**Jesus:** No, that’s fine, if you’re busy, you’re busy

**John:** I'm mostly running out of pictures, but I don’t really have anything to do this afternoon, so I can come over and take some if you want?

**Jesus:** Only if you’re not busy

**John:** I'm not. To be honest, I was already envisioning a deep dive on Google in the search for scented candles to end up buying way too many

**Jesus:** Don’t you permanently have a stash of those?

**John:** Yes, do you see my problem? In reality you’re helping me

**Jesus:** Glad to help you abstain from unhealthy habits. I'll probably come in, but I'd text James if I were you. Or just surprise him, but I'm not responsible for the consequences 

**John:** Yeah, I think I'll prevent the risk of further trauma

PM between John and James

_ 12:32 _

**John:** I'm stopping by the store after lunch to take some more pictures 

**James:** Is this a not so subtle hint that I should clean?

**John:** I sincerely hope you’ve already done that

**James:** Of course, but your standards of clean and mine are vastly different

**John:** That’s true. I'll spot clean

**James:** Nice

**John:** You almost sound like you have something better to do

**James:** I'm definitely very busy

**John:** I'm sure that’s why you’re replying so quickly 

**James:** Shut up

**John:** I'll be there around 2

**James:** What do I need to do to get you to bring coffee?

**John:** Give me your order

**James:** That’s easy. You’re way less demanding than Simon

**John:** Why do you say that as if you’re surprised?

**James:** Good point. Just get whatever 

**John:** This is your friendly reminder that I know nothing about coffee

**James:** I'll trust you not to order anything weird and anything else I'll drink

**John:** You know, you could really do with some standards

**James:** They just make life complicated 

**John:** I suppose that’s fair. Alright, one whatever the first rational person in front of me orders

**James:** Thanks

The twelve

_ 15:54 _

**James:** [Picture attachment: shelves with the books sorted by colour]

**James:** This is the most satisfying anything has ever looked here

**Peter:** Do you really have nothing better to do?

**James:** John did it

**John:** It was for a picture!

**Mary:** It does look nice

**Judas:** It looks like a pain in the ass to rearrange

**James:** I'm ignoring that for now

**Jesus:** Please do rearrange it. Unless you plan to do everything on colour

**Matthew:** That would look so cool though 

**James:** It would

**John:** And it may just be more fun than fixing this

**Jesus:** Okay no. Rearrange it, there are no other options

**John:** Boring

**Judas:** Your definition of ‘boring' is very loose

**John:** No, my definition is perfect, you just need to raise your standards 

**Simon:** High standards are boring 

**Judas:** Says the guy who has none to begin with

**Simon:** Guilty as charged 

**Matthew:** Too high standards aren’t fun either though

**John:** Alright true. But there’s too high and then there’s what these guys have

**Peter:** Hey! What did I do?

**John:** Be boring

**Mary:** And I?

**John:** Oh, you’re excluded. Your standards are approved 

**Mary:** They better be

**Matthew:** Hey, what about mine?

**John:** Matt, you’re great, but you also matched yellow with red

**Matthew:** A lapse in judgement!

**John:** Hmm... alright then, your standards are legal too

**Judas:** Who died and gave you the rights to judge standards?

**John:** Your sense of style

_ 17:46 _

**Jesus:** Are you guys still at the store? Because I’m coming over

**James:** Yes

**John:** We cleaned up

**Jesus:** You better. I can bring leftovers if you guys want. My freezer is kind of overflowing

**James:** I'll never say no to an excuse to not have to get dinner myself one way or another

**Simon:** Wow and leaving me to fend for myself. Just like that?

**James:** Literally nothing is stopping you from coming over

**Judas:** Or ordering take out

**Jesus:** Or making food yourself

**Simon:** Sounds tedious. I'll just grace you with my presence 

**James:** Good

**John:** Is it?

**James:** The alternative is probably my kitchen somehow catching fire

**John:** Fair enough

**Matthew:** Wait, if neither of you can cook, why do you even have a kitchen?

**James:** Got to eat somewhere 

**Simon:** Tables are for the weak

**Mary:** I assume it’s also just part of the apartment 

**James:** That too. And Simon makes killer omelettes 

**Simon:** It’s true

**Judas:** So you do have a use. I had started to wonder

**Simon:** You can ask for one if you want it

**Judas:** Fuck you

**Simon:** Not today, thanks


	35. Different Definitions

PM between John and Simon

_ Friday _

_ 10:48 _

**John:** Any chance your definition of ‘small drinking problem' is nowhere near mine?

**Simon:** Probably. While on that note, you may also underestimate how much Judas smokes

**John:** Why didn’t you tell me so right away?

**Simon:** John, my friend, with the things I've seen, Matthew's drinking is almost cute

**John:** Ugh, fine. Too late to walk out now anyway

**Simon:** Where did this sudden realisation come from?

**John:** The amount of empty bottles in his kitchen that are ready to be thrown out

**Simon:** That will do it

**John:** Do you know what caused it? The drinking, I mean, not the glass hoarding

**Simon:** Yes

**John:** Any chance of you telling me?

**Simon:** Unless for some reason Matthew would ask me to tell you, not really 

**John:** Feared as much

**Simon:** Just ask him if you want to know. He’s unlikely to kill you

**John:** Simon, I can’t just go up to him and say ‘hey, we haven’t been dating for that long, but please do tell me where your drinking problem comes from'

**Simon:** I don’t see why not

**John:** Because that would be ridiculous, not to mention inappropriate 

**Simon:** More or less than you asking me about it?

**John:** That was more an act of desperation than anything else

**Simon:** Looks to me like it’s time to get more desperate 

**John:** How hasn’t James murdered you yet? Actually, nevermind James, how has Judas not murdered you yet?

**Simon:** Not for a lack of trying, I promise you

**John:** That was a given

_ 12:25 _

**John:** Do you think it’s something I should know?

**Simon:** I don’t know

**John:** How do you even know about it? Or is telling a life story part of the payment plan for your alcohol?

**Simon:** No, though some people do act like it is. But something happened and I helped him out

**John:** By getting him drunk?

**Simon:** No, before that he wasn’t a regular yet

**John:** You’re far from helpful to me

**Simon:** Alas, it’s true. Though in my defence, I never claimed to be helpful

**John:** Sad but true

PM between John and Matthew 

_ 12:58 _

**John:** Hey, do you maybe have time to talk?

**Matthew:** Yeah, sure, what is it?

**John:** I totally get it if you don’t want to talk about it, but I was wondering... Well, I know you have a bit of a drinking problem and I don’t judge, really. I just couldn’t help but wonder... you’re not really the kind of person for those things and I was wondering what was the cause

**Matthew:** You're right, I don’t want to talk about it

**John:** Alright, that makes sense. But if you ever want or need to talk, please know you can always do so

**Matthew:** I know

PM between Matthew and Simon

_ 13:18 _

**Matthew:** Did you tell John about my shit?

**Simon:** Not really

**Matthew:** Define ‘not really'

**Simon:** When you two started dating I told him you have a bit of a drinking problem, because he asked, but that’s basically it

**Matthew:** Okay, cool

**Simon:** I take it he asked what happened then?

**Matthew:** Yeah. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it

**Simon:** Fair enough, though it doesn’t even make the top 10 list of embarrassing reasons why people have become alcoholics 

**Matthew:** I'm not an alcoholic 

**Simon:** If you say so, but you do have a drinking problem

**Matthew:** I know. I just don’t want John to think so

**Simon:** It may be a bit too late to prevent that, my friend

**Matthew:** I know, I know. I will tell him someday, just not right now

**Simon:** You are aware that I don’t require a justification, right?

**Matthew:** What? You’re not going to throw me off of a roof otherwise?

**Simon:** Not for this, I'll think of something else, don’t worry

**Matthew:** Oh good, I was really growing concerned there

**Simon:** If those were all your concerns, I'll take my leave

**Matthew:** Since when are you busy during the day?

**Simon:** Since James isn’t working today

**Matthew:** Has anyone ever told you that you’re basically a horny teenager?

**Simon:** Perhaps, but I can’t claim to have listened to such remarks

The twelve

_ 15:49 _

**Mary:** Anyone up for having dinner tonight?

**John:** Dinner as in getting it somewhere or dinner as in making it? Because that last one sounds like more effort than a Friday evening should require

**Mary:** Either is fine by me. I don’t care even if we bug some street vendor and eat it on the pavement

**James:** I know you’re kidding, but that actually sounds good

**Simon:** Seconded

**John:** ...Well, at least it’s low effort

**Jesus:** We need to at least find a good one then

**Peter:** You say that as if they’re hard to find

**Jesus:** Well, I don’t have the best experiences

**Judas:** Your experiences can also be counted on one hand with fingers to spare

**Jesus:** I'm just saying I'm not going to eat pizza that’s 90% fat

**John:** I need some vegetables 

**Mary:** Neither of you are very high demanding, I'm sure we'll find something 

**Peter:** Wait, so actually going somewhere halfway decent is off the table?

**Mary:** Apparently 

**John:** Clearly 

**Peter:** Alright then

**Mary:** Does this change whether you’re in or not?

**Peter:** No, I was going to join you anyway

**Mary:** Judas, Matthew are you coming as well?

**Judas:** Sure

**Matthew:** Depending on the time, yes

**Peter:** I have to work until 6 too

**Mary:** Same here

**Jesus:** We can meet up around 7? That should provide enough space for everyone to finish later than planned

**Mary:** Good idea

**Matthew:** That works for me

**Jesus:** City square?

**John:** Sounds good

PM between Peter and Mary

_ 16:29 _

**Peter:** Are you okay?

**Mary:** Yeah, I just kind of need a break. I've seen one irresponsible client too many today

**Peter:** Damn, are they that bad?

**Mary:** A woman just came in with a cat whose hip has been broken for a while but she never noticed the cat wasn’t walking properly because she couldn’t be bothered to pay attention. It would have been an easy fix is she had noticed on time, but now we’re not sure we can save the leg. And cats do fine with 3 legs but ugh, just the sheer stupidity of it

**Mary:** I'm sorry, I'm just. A bit annoyed

**Peter:** No, that’s alright. I agree with you, it is stupid. Vent all you want

**Mary:** Thanks. I think I'll go back to work though

**Peter:** Good luck. Don’t strangle any of the owners

**Mary:** I'll try my best


	36. A Matter of Perspective

PM between Simon and Matthew

_Saturday_

_3:24_

**Matthew:** Are you still awake?

**Simon:** Of course, it isn’t even 5 yet, what do you take me for? Don’t answer that. How can I be of service?

**Matthew:** Do you have something strong left to sell? I'm out, apparently. I don’t really care what exactly 

**Simon:** Sure, where are you?

**Matthew:** My apartment 

**Simon:** I need to finish something here first, but I think I should be able to get there within half an hour. Do you think you can wait that long?

**Matthew:** Yeah, thanks

**Simon:** No problem

PM between Simon and John

_8:55_

**John:** You’re not still selling alcohol to Matthew, are you?

_10:03_

**Simon:** I am, why?

**John:** You’re kidding, right?

**Simon:** Why would I be?

**John:** Because you shouldn’t enable him

**Simon:** I've been ‘enabling’ him for years, I don’t see why I should stop now

**John:** Because he’s your friend. Friends don’t enable each other’s addictions

**Simon:** Ideally, sure, but this situation isn’t exactly ideal

**John:** I know, but you’re not making it better 

**Simon:** So if I understand you correctly, you would prefer for Matthew to get his alcohol from someone who will overcharge him, exploit his problems and probably make them worse?

**John:** No, I'd prefer for him to quit, but he can’t do that if you keep shoving alcohol in his face whenever he asks for it

**Simon:** Do you really think he won’t get it somewhere else if he doesn’t get it from me?

**John:** Why do you act like this is the best solution? Are you sure you’re not among the people exploiting him?

**Simon:** You'll have to forgive me for having to make an income somehow

**John:** You could do it without ruining people. Don’t you care?

**Simon:** Of course I care! What do you take me for? Nevermind, I don’t think I want to know the answer. You've been clear enough. Though I think you should know it wasn’t me who he was crying about at 4 last night

**John:** What?

**Simon:** I take it you found out he got drunk, or we wouldn’t be having this conversation 

**John:** Yeah, he was still drunk when I got there this morning

**Simon:** And you left?

**John:** Well, he practically send me away. It’s not like I had a choice

**John:** It was because of me?

**Simon:** Sort of. He’s just insecure, but you two should really work that out between yourselves, not through me

**John:** I'll talk to him. Thanks. And I'm really sorry for suggesting you don’t care

**Simon:** It’s alright. Just realize these things aren’t as easy as that. If Matthew ever says he wants to quit, I'll help him in any way I can, but he doesn’t. And believe it or not, he has it under control now

**John:** Does he?

**Simon:** Yes. There are rules and he actually talks instead of bottling everything up. From a purely business perspective, he’s the worst regular I have, because he gets everything at a discount and takes up a lot of time

**John:** How does he take up a lot of time?

**Simon:** I spend from 4 to 5 at his place and missed 2 orders because of it

**John:** I didn’t realise. I'm sorry, I also shouldn’t have suggested you exploit him

**Simon:** Don’t beat yourself up over it

PM between John and Matthew

_11:27_

**Matthew:** Hey, can we talk? I'm really sorry about sending you away like that

**John:** No, it’s fine, I understand. Or well, I'm trying to. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have brought it up. It’s none of my business. I should’ve stayed out of it and I shouldn’t have tried to persuade Simon to stop selling you alcohol

**Matthew:** Wait you did what? What on earth made you think that was okay?

**John:** It wasn’t! I was worried, but I shouldn’t have acted that way, I'm sorry

**Matthew:** Is this what you mean when you say you don’t judge? You’re judging me behind my back?

**John:** No, I'm not, I promise you. I just hate to see you struggle

**Matthew:** So you decided to make it easier by trying to take away my safest option of getting alcohol?

**John:** I didn’t think of it that way. Look, please just... It was wrong and I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, Simon didn’t budge

**John:** We talked and he changed my perspective. Or at least he tried. I'm not sure if I agree with it, but I don’t have to because it’s not my problem. If this works for you, then that’s what's important and I’ll support you no matter what

_12:11_

**John:** Matt?

**Matthew:** I'm sorry, just... having a hard time thinking what to say

**John:** That’s alright. Can I come over?

**Matthew:** I'd rather you don’t 

**John:** You know you don’t have to feel ashamed, right? I mean, if you don’t want me to come over, that’s fine, but just know I don’t think any less of you. I think you’re really brave for handling things as well as you do and talking to someone when you need to

_12:34_

**Matthew:** Do you want to watch a movie?

**John:** Of course

**Matthew:** Nothing serious though 

**John:** You still need to watch Monsters Inc. so that should work just fine

**Matthew:** I think that counts as not-serious enough

**John:** I'll be there in a couple of minutes


	37. Author's Note

I figured I'd post a quick update as a seperate chapter for those who do not check the JCS fandom page regularly.

So, basically, I don't know what I want to do with this fic. I really like it, but I also feel I've reached the limits of what I can do with these characters in a text-based story. So, I've started two new fics (one of which is basically finished already) while I figure out what I want to do with the groupchat. In case you're interested, I'll list them here

A Perfect Mess (basically a continuation of this fic):

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26389360

Tales from the Twelve (a one shot collection):

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26695681


	38. Sacrifices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suddenly had inspiration for a chapter XD I have no idea if I'm going to write more. It's totally going to depend on if I feel like it
> 
> This happens about a week after Perfect Mess, which happens a week after the last chap here. Approximately. For those who haven't read perfect mess, here are the highlights:  
> Matt told James and John why he started drinking which is that he had an abusive asshole for a boyfriend who he moved in with after his parents kicked him out  
> Judas and Jesus kissed and made up (finally)

The twelve

_ Friday, 9;28 _

**John:** Matthew still has to add a movie to Peter's Disney watch list

**Judas:** Why the fuck do you wake up with thoughts like that?

**John:** I've been awake for an hour or so

**Judas:** My point still stands

**Mary:** Don’t you think the list is long enough as it is?

**James:** No

**John:** Of course not

**Peter:** I'm kind of opposed to this, but on the other hand, what’s one more movie?

**James:** Matt, what’s your favourite Disney movie?

**Matthew:** The live action Cinderella remake

**Peter:** Believe it or not but I've actually already seen that one

**Matthew:** Oh good

**John:** Why?

**Simon:** Because he can’t watch that movie without ugly crying

**Matthew:** Hey!

**Simon:** What? It’s true

**Matthew:** Maybe

**Simon:** Definitely 

**Matthew:** That doesn’t mean you have to say it

**Peter:** You should know by now that that doesn’t stop Simon

PM between John and Matthew

_ 10:00 _

**John:** So we’re definitely going to watch Cinderella at some point during this weekend

**Matthew:** Fine, but Simon wasn’t kidding about the ugly crying 

**John:** Sweetheart, I love you, but you also cried during Toy Story

**Matthew:** Andy grew up! Have you seen that little wave? Anyone would cry

**John:** And Monsters Inc.

**Matthew:** I was tired and the ending is kind of bittersweet

**John:** Alright, what’s your excuse for Lilo and Stitch? That’s one happy ending if I ever saw one

**Matthew:** That was on accident!

**John:** Are you telling me you also cry on purpose during movies?

**Matthew:** ...No?

**John:** He said, full of confidence

**Matthew:** Shut up

**John:** My point is, I think I can handle your ugly crying over Cinderella 

**Matthew:** Fine, we can watch Cinderella, but I want chocolate 

**John:** Sounds reasonable 

The twelve

_ 10:26 _

**John:** Matthew is allowed to put in a second choice

**Jesus:** Why?

**John:** Because I was too when Peter had already watched The Little Mermaid

**Mary:** You allowed yourself to do that. You didn’t exactly ask for permission

**John:** Same difference

**Jesus:** Not really 

**Matthew:** It’s fine. I don’t have a second favourite anyway

**Simon:** And thus ends the life of our good friend John 

**John:** Usually you’d be right, but I've watched several Disney and Pixar movies with Matt by now. This isn’t another case of betrayal like Peter

**Peter:** Sorry?

**Simon:** It’s too late for apologies now

**Peter:** Oh well, saves me the effort

**Judas:** Because watching a string of Disney movies is clearly less effort

**Peter:** Not at all, but it’s inevitable by now

**Simon:** Correct

**Peter:** Too bad. Anyway, Matt, I really don’t mind adding another movie to the list

**Matthew:** Thanks, but I just don’t have a set in stone top 3 or something like that

**Peter:** Alright, if you’re sure

**James:** You could’ve made up one on the spot

**Simon:** A grand idea, my friend, but impossible 

**James:** Why? Apart from the fact that Peter won’t buy it anymore

**Peter:** You got that part right

**John:** Matthew is physically incapable of lying

**Matthew:** It’s true

**Jesus:** Even about small unimportant things like this?

**Matthew:** Yes

**Mary:** Honestly, as habits go, that one isn’t half bad

**Judas:** Fuck knows this chat is filled with enough bullshit as it is

Scarf watch squad

_ Members:  _ **_James, John, Simon_ **

_ 13:48 _

**James:** Okay we officially have 6 executive days with Jesus wearing the hickey scarf and he’s late again

**Simon:** I'm not-so-sad to announce that John is out of the race

**John:** Damn. I can’t believe they’ve kept it up this long

**James:** I can, no problem

**John:** Okay let me rephrase that: I can’t believe they’ve kept it up this long without a break

**James:** I can, no problem

**John:** Apparently 

**Simon:** It’s an easy thing to underestimate, my friend

**John:** And here I was thinking you two were bad

**James:** Oh, we are, don’t worry

**Simon:** The two facts aren’t mutually exclusive 

**John:** Why are half my friends literal teenagers?

**James:** Pretty sure a more responsible person would point out something about the hypocrisy of that while you’re literally betting on how often said friends can hook up without a break

**John:** Probably, but that’s why we didn’t invite Mary to this chat

**Simon:** And she would kill every one of us

**James:** Mainly that

**John:** True. I'm too pretty to die

**James:** Not that you’re wrong, but seriously?

**John:** Yes

**Simon:** Your priorities are praise worthy

**John:** Waiting for the praise, Simon

**Simon:** Good luck

**James:** I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you

**John:** Speaking from experience?

**James:** Sadly, yes

The twelve

_ 15: 23 _

**Jesus:** Anyone who wants to share dinner tonight? I've accidentally bought way too much

**Judas:** ‘Accidentally’

**Jesus:** I didn’t mean to buy this much extra though

**Judas:** I told you it was enough for a small orphanage

**Mary:** Not that I have any real objections, but you can also freeze your leftovers

**Judas:** Are you willing to sacrifice your freezer?

**Mary:** Please tell me that you don’t have both your freezers filled

**Jesus:** Only a bit

**Mary:** I would offer you to use mine, but that would mean I won’t have any space left by next week

**Jesus:** Exactly, so I'm offering free food

**Simon:** I have been summoned by the offer of free food

**Judas:** Do you have to?

**Simon:** Of course

**James:** How do still have two filled freezers when you dump half of it with us every other day?

**Jesus:** Honestly? I have no idea

**John:** How come the rest of us have to cook ourselves?

**Mary:** The rest of us aren’t likely to cause a fire when attempting to cook

**Matthew:** Did I hallucinate cooking for you the past two days?

**John:** No, you’re right. Your food is better than any heat up leftovers

**Jesus:** I feel like I should be insulted 

**John:** Not really. You’re toe to toe when we’re talking freshly prepared food

**Peter:** Don’t you always say people should be positively biased towards their partners?

**John:** ...Right. Sorry, Jesus. Matt is better

**Jesus:** I think I'll survive

**John:** But I still can come over for the food, right?

**Jesus:** Of course. Everyone can come over as long as no one tries to set my kitchen on fire

**Simon:** The sacrifices I make for my friends


	39. Deathly Bets

PM between James and Simon

_ 10:41 _

**James:** Okay so we’re definitely not ever doing that again

**Simon:** Wow. Not even half an hour has passed and already the complaints are raining in. Why?

**James:** Well, for starters, I can’t get the taste of your hand out of my mouth. What on earth did you do with it?

**Simon:** You know what I did with it

**James:** You seriously used to same hand for that?

**Simon:** Yes. In my defence, I didn’t exactly have the time to extensively deliberate which hand to use. Or the brain cells

**James:** Alright, fair enough, but we need to get new lube cause this one apparently is just plain gross

**Simon:** That does explain why my hand has been smelling weird

**James:** That’s what you get for buying cheap ass lube

**Simon:** Hey, if it works, it works

**James:** I'm still vetoing it

**Simon:** Fair enough. What’s the other reason?

**James:** Pretty sure we properly traumatised Jesus this time

**James:** Also, cleaning wooden floors is a pain

**Simon:** You knew that going in

**James:** You really think I thought about that?

**Simon:** No, I'm just doubting the validation of that particular complaint 

**James:** Fine. The one about Jesus' sanity stands though

**Simon:** You'd think he'd be used to it by now

**James:** ... Okay, actually, I agree, but that doesn’t change the fact that apparently he isn’t 

**Simon:** Weak

**James:** Look, I don’t get it either. Ask Jesus if you really want to know

**James:** No, wait, don’t ask Jesus. Please forget I said that

**Simon:** Too late

**James:** This is definitely going to end in me getting the shitty chores

**Simon:** Accept your fate, my friend

**James:** Done

PM between Simon and Jesus

_ 11:08 _

**Simon:** My friend, how are you still traumatised by some public sex?

**Jesus:** Since it happened practically next to where I was standing!

**Simon:** There was a bookshelf to hide us

**Jesus:** That really doesn’t make it better. At least if I had seen you right away, I could have walked away. Now I have to live with the knowledge that I was close for a good while

**Simon:** Not our fault you suddenly appeared there. Really, all things considered, you should be glad I kept James quiet

**Jesus:** That really doesn’t make any of this better

**Simon:** It did for me

**Jesus:** ...I give up

**Simon:** Probably smart

**Jesus:** Can you just never do that again?

**Simon:** Alas, I can promise no such things, as your presence remains a crucial factor in this scenario 

**Jesus:** What are the odds you'll listen if I say the bookstore is off limits?

**Simon:** How much of the store does James own again?

**Jesus:** 60%, why?

**Simon:** Then the odds are about 40%

**Jesus:** Fine. I can’t believe I'm asking this, but can you at least make some noise next time?

**Simon:** That should be possible 

**Jesus:** Thanks. I think

**Simon:** Really, you and Judas should try it out sometime

**Jesus:** You know, one of these days Judas will feel the need to kill you and I won't be inclined to stop him

**Simon:** Oh yes, James is counting on that

**Jesus:** Please tell me you’re kidding

**Simon:** Not one bit. John thinks it’s more likely I set myself on fire one day

**Jesus:** Do I want to know who else is in on this?

**Simon:** Peter thinks I'll get stabbed in a more critical place than the stomach. Mary has more trust in my defensive skills and says I'll break my neck before that

**Jesus:** This is so incredibly morbid

**Simon:** Agreed. John has far more realistic expectations 

**Jesus:** ...Seriously?

**Simon:** I should hope so, or I'm going to lose money 

**Jesus:** You do know the death can’t collect money, right?

**Simon:** Yes, but it’s the principle of the thing

**Jesus:** I think I'll just file this under things happening this morning that I want to forget

**Simon:** Good luck with that

**Jesus:** Thanks

PM between Judas and Simon

_ 13:45 _

**Judas:** I want in on you breaking your neck

**Simon:** A fine choice. Though I do wonder why you have so little faith in your own abilities 

**Judas:** No, I have faith in that. I just don’t believe Jesus will ever approve of murder in any way, shape or form, regardless of the circumstances 

**Simon:** A very good point

**Judas:** Also, stop traumatising my boyfriend

**Simon:** I take it the whole ‘forgetting things of this morning’ didn’t quite go according to plan?

**Judas:** Obviously 

**Simon:** Oh well. Maybe this is the moment to inform you that James already agreed with both of you this morning

**Judas:** You couldn’t have told Jesus that?

**Simon:** I could have, but it slipped my mind

**Judas:** I hate that I believe that. Well, at least one of you found your fucking last remaining brain cells

**Simon:** It was bound to happen sooner or later

**Judas:** I take it this was a one time off thing?

**Simon:** Of course, what did you expect?

**Judas:** For you to break your neck

The twelve

_ 15:09 _

**Peter:** Movie night with as little Disney as possible?

**John:** So, like two Disney movies?

**Peter:** I was more hoping for one very short one

**Judas:** What did you expect, being vague like that?

**Peter:** Honestly? I don’t know

**Mary:** Movie night sounds good. We can do it at my place?

**Jesus:** Simon and James are uninvited

**James:** Fair

**Simon:** The audacity. The betrayal. I can’t believe this

**James:** Simon, I swear I will kill you

**Simon:** That’s a new one

**John:** I want in on it

**Mary:** Pretty sure everyone is in on that one, making it unnecessary to include it 

**Matthew:** What did I miss?

**Jesus:** Trust me, you don’t want to know

**John:** You won’t want in on it anyway

**Matthew:** ...Alright, if you say so

Scarf Watch Squad

_ 15:38 _

**John:** Do I want to know what you two did to get banned?

**James:** Fucked within a metre of Jesus

**John:** Ah, that explains it

**Simon:** Hypocritical, if you ask me. Considering we’re on day 7 and counting

**John:** Yes, but he and Judas actually do their stuff at home. Presumably. Honestly, I don’t know for sure and I don’ really want to know either 

**James:** You’re probably right

**Simon:** I don’t know. Judas is involved and those two are practically rabbits anyway

**John:** Something about a pot and a cattle 

**Simon:** I know, I'm just saying it’s not unlikely 

**John:** You know what? I really don’t want to know any of this. Forget I ever asked


	40. Moodboards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I'm working on another chapter, but in the meantime... I made moodboards of all these idiots so I'll just be dumping them here for whoever is interested (also, behold the ensemble members we choose as James, Matt and John)  
> I'm sorry for anyone who was excited for an actual chapter XD
> 
> (also, if for whatever reason you'd want the full sized images (can't imagine why), just hit me up on the comments and I'll shoot you the link)

****

**Jesus**

**Main colour  
** Brown: friendly, comforting, humble, honesty

**Flowers  
** Ornithogalum (Star of Bethlehem): hope, trust, honesty  
Chrysanthemum: fidelity, modestly, loyalty, devotion, happiness

**Lyric  
** _If it's True_ from _Hadestown_

** Judas **

**Main colour  
** Muted green: pessimistic, practical, intellect, growth, envy

**Flowers  
** Antirrhinum (snapdragon): strenght, protection, denial  
Oak tree: strength, survival, courage

**Lyric  
** _Once Upon a Time_ from _Bare: a Pop Opera_

__

**Simon**

**Main colour  
** Red: action, energy, lust, courage, vengeance 

**Flowers  
** Iris: hope, trust, victory, power

**Lyric  
** _The World will Know_ from _Newsies_

__

** James **

**Main colour  
** Blue: security, trust, calm, peace, honesty, reliability, support

**Flowers  
** Delphinium (larkspur): lightness, fun, joy, levity

**Lyric  
** _If the World turned Upside Down_ from _Finding Neverland_

__

**Mary**

**Main colour  
** Purple: inspiring, uplifting, encouraging, compassion, wisdom

**Flowers  
** Phacelia (scorpionweed): endurance, strength, determination  
Malva: love, protection, healing

**Lyric  
** _I didn't Plan It_ from _Waitress_

__

** Peter **

**Main colour  
** Orange: warmth, emotion, encouraging, uplifting, wisdom

**Flowers  
** Chrysanthemum: friendship, fidelity, modestly, loyalty, devotion, happiness

**Lyric  
** _Chip on my Shoulder_ from _Legally Blonde_

__

** John **

**Main colour  
** Pink: compassion, love, comfort, sympathy, kindness, warmth, emotional

**Flowers  
** Verbana: romance, creativity, protection, happiness

**Lyric  
** _Expressing Yourself_ from _Billy Elliot_

__

**Matthew**

**Main colour  
** Yellow: inspiration, creativity, happiness, caution, warmth, scared

**Flowers  
** Lupinus: happiness, creativity, imagination  
Verbascum (Mullein): courage, protection

**Lyric  
** _Holding to the Ground_ from _Falsettos_


	41. Lazy Sundays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, there's a chapter here after all. Who knew?  
> (For those who missed it because of the double update, the previous chapter has some moodboards I made for the characters, in case you're interested)
> 
> Also I was going to include Mary and Peter in here... and then the chapter kinda ran away from me and I didn't try to stop it. Oops?

PM between John and Matthew 

_Sunday, 11:09_

**John:** Hey, I'm gonna have to call a rain check on Cinderella, I'm sorry

 **Matthew:** Oh, that’s fine

 **Matthew:** Is everything okay?

 **John:** Yes, of course. Just some stupid shit

 **Matthew:** What happened?

 **John:** Okay, so remember how I said I had to bleach my roots?

 **Matthew:** Yes?

 **John:** Apparently the brand of bleach I use, has changed their packaging, but I didn’t look twice when buying it. So I got the one that’s too strong and now half my hair is a greenish yellow 

**Matthew:** Wait, how does that prevent you from watching a movie?

 **John:** Because it’s Sunday I can’t go to the hairdresser to get it fixed

 **Matthew:** I still don’t get it

 **John:** Matt, I look absolutely ridiculous

 **Matthew:** Honey, I sincerely doubt that as you still looked gorgeous while wearing that bright blue monster onesie

 **John:** That’s because the onesie fits me well and matches my eyes

 **Matthew:** That’s a lot of thought put into a monster onesie

 **John:** If I'm going to spend 45 bucks on it, I might just as well put thought in it

 **Matthew:** I suppose that’s fair. But I think you’re gorgeous regardless of what you wear and how it fits or what your hair looks like 

**John:** Thanks, but I disagree

 **Matthew:** Alright, so what if you do look ridiculous? Baby, you don’t have to look good 24/7. No one does, trying to be the exception isn’t realistic 

**John:** You’re probably right

 **Matthew:** It was about time

 **John:** Probably 

**John:** Alright, want to come over for Cinderella?

 **Matthew:** Of course. I'll bring the chocolate and things for dinner

 **John:** Thanks. Love you

 **Matthew:** Love you too

Scarf Watch Squad 

_12:32_

**John:** We have a problem

 **James:** Do we?

 **John:** Definitely. With the store closed today, how do we know if this whole business continues into day 8?

 **Simon:** You make an excellent point, my friend

 **John:** Either one of you has to look. I'm not so sadly indisposed 

**James:** Ugh, that is problematic

 **Simon:** Especially since you’ve almost reached the other end of the couch

 **John:** Already?

 **James:** It’s been a very active morning

 **John:** Sure sounds like it

 **James:** It gets worse, I'll have to get up soon

 **John:** Why?

 **James:** I'll have this book finished within the next hour. Unless I keep texting like this

 **Simon:** An hour seems a generous estimate 

**James:** I like to think I know my own reading speed by now

 **Simon:** You have a large chunk of book left. That’s going to take more than an hour

 **John:** How many pages?

 **James:** 71

 **John:** That’s not doable in an hour, not even for you

 **James:** If you stop distracting me, it is

 **Simon:** Want to bet?

 **James:** Only if you go figure out if we’re on day 8 without traumatizing Jesus

 **Simon:** A challenging task, but alright

 **John:** I want in on the bet

 **James:** What are we betting for?

 **Simon:** I was going to be lazy and say blowjobs, but that’s off the table now

 **John:** You got that right

 **James:** I’m craving ice cream

 **Simon:** Boring

 **John:** Ice cream is good though

 **Simon:** Alright, fine. Ice cream it is

 **James:** Get ready to surrender your ice cream

 **John:** Start reading then. Current time is 13:07

 **Simon:** Suppose that’s my cue to annoy Jesus

 **John:** What are you going to do?

 **Simon:** Drop by unannounced. If it takes more than 2 minutes for the door to open and Judas is the one to open it, that means they were fucking

 **John:** I'm not even surprised you know that

 **Simon:** I would just walk in, but alas, I had my key rights evoked

 **John:** Almost wonder why

_13:04_

**James:** Give me your ice cream, I finished it

 **John:** I'd want evidence, but at the same time I believe you

 **James:** And I could easily fake any evidence

 **John:** That’s also true. Alright, I’ll call Simon to pick up my ice cream and deliver it to you

 **James:** Where is he anyway?

 **John:** You’re asking me?

 **James:** I'll text Jesus

PM between Jesus and James 

_13:16_

**James:** Is Simon still there?

 **Jesus:** Yes. He and Judas got wrapped up in some discussion about the duration of prison sentences

 **James:** Tell him to admit they’re never going to come to an agreement and to drag his ass away cause he owes me ice cream

 **Jesus:** Wouldn’t it be easier to get the ice cream yourself?

 **James:** Theoretically, yes, but you see. I'm on the couch and the ice cream is all the way in the kitchen 

**Jesus:** That’s like 8 meters at best

 **James:** Well, sure, but it requires getting up

 **Jesus:** Should’ve seen that coming. I'll pass on the message

PM between Simon and James 

_13:51_

**Simon:** Have no fears, I'm on my way

 **James:** Took you long enough

 **Simon:** Excuse my priorities

 **James:** Just this once

Scarf Watch Squad 

_13:58_

**Simon:** We are officially on day 8

 **James:** Damn

 **John:** You still have a chance

 **James:** John, initiate a movie night

 **Simon:** That’s against the rules, my friend

 **James:** Don’t text and drive, you idiot

 **Simon:** I'm still parked. Have no fear

 **John:** Couldn’t do that anyway. I convinced Matt to watch Cinderella

 **James:** Fair enough

 **John:** Speaking of which, help me convince him to make his killer risotto for everyone

 **James:** I would, but you might have the wrong person for that. Try Jesus

 **John:** Oh, good idea

 **John:** For the record: I handed a full container of chocolate ice cream to Simon. In case less arrives. I have Matt as an eye witness

 **James:** I would believe you even without Matt. Though riding a motorcycle and eating ice cream is an accomplishment, even for Simon

 **John:** Yes, but I wouldn’t be surprised

 **James:** Me neither

 **Simon:** The audacity of such accusations 

**John:** But is the ice cream whole, Simon?

 **Simon:** Of course

 **James:** It actually is. However, there’s something I didn’t consider. Which is that I'm going to need a spoon if I want to eat this

 **John:** In theory you could eat it without a spoon

 **Simon:** Unless you’re weak

 **James:** I'm weak

 **John:** If you wait long enough, you can drink it

 **James:** I'm debating if that’s a great idea or a really bad one

 **John:** You have two containers. Try it out with one and if it was a bad idea, don’t do it with the other 

**James:** John, you’re a genius

 **John:** I know, but it’s nice to finally be recognized 


	42. Musketeers in Distress

PM between James and Mary 

_Monday, 8:35_

**James:** Hey, I'm pretty sure the hamsters haven’t eaten since yesterday. Do you think I should bring them to the clinic or wait?

**Mary:** First check their bedding. Hamsters tend to hoard their food

**James:** Alright. Lucille is going to tear me to shreds

**Mary:** Let Simon do it then, they’re his hamsters

**James:** I would, but he's... let's say working for your sanity, and I don't want to pull him away from it unnecessarily. Not sure I’d be able to get a hold of him right now anyway

**Mary:** Fair enough. And I appreciate your consideration for my sanity

**James:** You're welcome

_8:53_

**James:** Lucille absolutely tried to kill me and my blood is now on the couch, but I did manage to get a look at the bedding and there isn’t any substantial amount if food there. Just some leftovers

**Mary:** It worries me that none of them are eating. I can probably take a look at them today. You'd best bring them in as soon as possible so that they can stay here until I have time for them

**James:** Okay, thanks. I'll just quickly text Jesus and then I'm on my way

**Mary:** I'll tell the receptionist that you’re coming. Someone has to deep clean the cage while the hamsters are here

**James:** Suppose I'll give calling Simon a shot

PM between James and Jesus

_9:01_

**James:** Sorry, I'm going to be late today. The hamsters are probably sick

**Jesus:** Oh, that’s fine. I hope they’re fine 

**James:** We’ll see. If I can reach Simon, I should be there within an hour. If not, it may take a while

**Jesus:** Take your time. I'll just let you stock the shelves next time

**James:** That’s fair

PM between James and Simon 

_9:36_

_One missed call from_ **_James_ **

_One missed call from_ **_James_ **

**James:** Get that dick out of your mouth and pick up, idiot

_10:22_

**Simon:** What’s wrong?

**James:** The hamsters are probably sick. I noticed they hadn’t eaten since last night so I texted Mary. They’re currently at the clinic

**Simon:** Shit. I'm practically done here, so I should be home in half an hour max. Depending on who's driving me because to everyone’s surprise, Seth actually keeps to the speed limit, which is boring

**James:** Can't you drive back yourself?

**Simon:** Can? Probably. Should? I don't know, my friend, there was a lot of alcohol 

**Simon:** Also, I say half an hour max, but this is all assuming Seth, Carmen and Joshua won’t keep up their game of cards until the end of time

**James:** I can just pick you up if you want. Jesus isn’t expecting me anytime soon anyway

**Simon:** Well, if you’re offering, I won’t decline

**James:** Will be there in ten to fifteen minutes. Please don’t get yourself killed by interfering in a game of cards before that

**Simon:** I'm not actually that stupid. And too tired for homicide. Mostly that one, I'll admit

**James:** At least you’re self aware

PM between James and Jesus 

_11:04_

**James:** Okay, I'm really sorry about the delays, but I'm coming over in a couple of minutes 

**Jesus:** It’s fine, it’s been super quiet anyway. Just bring coffee on your way

**James:** I was going to do that anyway. Got to survive this much too active morning somehow

New group 

_12:32_

**_Mary_ ** _created this group_

**_Mary_ ** _added_ **_James_ ** _to this chat_

**_Mary_ ** _added_ **_Simon_ ** _to this chat_

**Mary:** Since I don’t know who's currently in charge of the hamsters, I'm just telling you both what the situation is

**Mary:** I've got to warn you right away, it’s not looking good. They have wet tail, which is basically diarrhoea. It’s highly contagious, which explains why they have it. It’s not uncommon in young hamsters, especially ones that are stressed. Do you guys move them when you move places?

**James:** Yes, but they’ve been in once place for a couple of weeks now

**Mary:** Then it’s hard to say what caused it. The main thing is getting them over it. I hate to say it, but a lot of hamsters don’t survive wet tail and die within 48 hours

**Mary:** I already gave them antibiotics and force fed them. You'll want to get two extra cages, can be small ones, to quarantine them. That way if one or two get better, they won’t get sick again from the ones that don’t get better

_13:03_

**Simon:** Okay, I’m awake. Fucking hell. Can they stay there while I figure those cages out?

**Mary:** Yes, of course! Maybe it’s best if you come and pick them up at the end of my shift. That way I can teach you how to force feed them. I'll just keep checking in on them in between appointments until then

**Simon:** Works for me. What time does your shift end?

**Mary:** It should end at 6, but we have a surgery planned at 5 that may take longer than planned

**Simon:** I can wait outside, it’s not like I have anything better to do anyway

**Mary:** Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you

**Simon:** I wouldn’t dare

**Mary:** Also, if you’ve had a short night, you might want to catch some sleep before picking them up, because it will probably be another sleepless night

_15:14_

**Mary:** Small update: they seem to be doing a little bit better. That is to say, they aren’t as listless as they were this morning

Scarf Watch Squad 

_15:47_

**John:** Okay, who lost and killed the other?

**James:** Oh right, had forgotten about this. Simon lost

**John:** You won and yet you forgot about it? That’s suspicious, even for you

**James:** It’s been a busy morning. The hamsters are sick

**John:** Oh damn. I hope they’ll be fine

**Simon:** We’ll basically have to wait and see

**John:** Your strong suit, as we all know

**Simon:** Ah well, I can’t be amazing at everything, now can I? That would be plain rude for everyone else

**James:** How considerate of you

**Simon:** Oh, by the way, John, keep your agenda free for Wednesday. Do me a favour and don’t ask why, just do it

**John:** That doesn’t sound very assuring, but alright

PM between Mary and Peter 

_16:02_

**Mary:** I’m sorry, I’m going to be home late today

**Peter:** That’s alright. Busy day?

**Mary:** Not really, but Simon's hamsters are sick, so I've got to help him out to improve their chances of surviving the night

**Peter:** What are the chances?

**Mary:** Honestly? Not that great. But it’s not impossible, so we have to give it a shot

**Peter:** Well, they have you watching over them. That should vastly improve their chances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I actually have ideas for future chaps, would you look at that (and it's gonna involve more of the others I just gotta ease em in, no worries)
> 
> Carmen, Seth and Joshua were invented by CalamityCain, I just gave the dudes a name XD


	43. Negotiating Murder

PM between Mary and Simon

_ Tuesday, 6:52 _

**Mary:** How are the hamsters?

**Simon:** I think Fawkes is fine. He started eating by himself and exploring his cage. It’s a bit hard to say with Tiberius. He's eating by himself, but he isn’t really moving. Lucille is still in the shit, but at least she’s alive

**Mary:** It’s not necessarily bad if they’re not moving around too much. It might be a good idea to clean Fawkes' cage, but only if you can do it in a way that won’t stress him out

**Simon:** He's incapable of being stressed as long as he has a carrot, so that should be doable

**Mary:** I can come over before I go to work to have a look at them and help with the antibiotics

**Simon:** Thanks. Shoot me a text when you’re here instead of ringing the doorbell. James is still asleep

**Mary:** Alright. I'm going to have breakfast and shower first so I think I'll be there in 30 to 40 minutes

PM between Judas and Simon

_ 10:24 _

**Judas:** So, you still up for assisting in murder?

**Simon:** Of course, my friend. Whose life is coming to an end?

**Judas:** Fucking Pilate

**Simon:** As in, your therapist Pilate? Just so we’re on the same line

**Judas:** Yes, that one

**Simon:** While I'm usually all for heading into murder without asking questions, I have to ask why

**Judas:** You don’t have to

**Simon:** No, you see, I do. Because that’s also John’s therapist and if he finds out we killed him, he may just kill us. So I'd like to have a solid defence at the ready

**Judas:** I hate you

**Simon:** That is motive to kill me, not Pilate 

**Judas:** Fine. He wants me to bring Jesus along

**Simon:** With the risk of saying something sensible, maybe just don’t bring Jesus instead of killing Pilate right away?

**Judas:** Can’t you go back to not asking questions?

**Simon:** In theory I could, but I've spend the entire morning on the floor and seen too much shit in the span of a few hours, so you’re in bad luck

**Judas:** I really don’t want to know how those things are related

**Simon:** Via hamsters. Anyway, what’s wrong with bringing Jesus anyway? Better use of free coffee 

**Judas:** Well, for starters, he’ll spend an hour at least to complain about the quality of that coffee 

**Simon:** Sounds amusing

**Judas:** I think you mean exhausting. I'm not going to pay for listening to Jesus bitch

**Simon:** Right, because you can get that for free any time you want

**Judas:** Don’t remind me

**Simon:** So, alright, the first reason is to save on costs. What’s the second reason?

**Judas:** I can do without giving Jesus fuel to bitch with later too

**Simon:** Fair

**Judas:** So, are you finally down to murder, or what?

**Simon:** Not really. I still think you can just not bring him. But honestly, with how often you complain about him letting you do all the work in your relationship, you'd think you want to drag him along to therapy

**Judas:** But I don't

**Simon:** Fair. Tell Pilate that and if he still insists, I'll reconsider helping you with his murder

**Judas:** Fine. Your timing to be sensible is horrible

**Simon:** Blame sleep deprivation. I need more Red Bull

**Judas:** That’s not how sleep deprivation is supposed to work

**Simon:** Perhaps, but I've always been an exceptional individual

**Judas:** You’re not wrong

**Judas:** Don’t you have a permanent stash of Red Bull?

**Simon:** Already busted through it. Currently considering opening the closest whiskey bottle

**Judas:** That’s just plain stupid

**Simon:** Probably, but clearly I've been sensible enough for the next 24 hours

**Judas:** Alright, hold off on the whiskey, I'll get you Red Bull. Just this once

**Simon:** You’re too kind, my friend

**Judas:** Just shut up

The Twelve

_ 15:29 _

**Peter:** Some co-workers are allowed to vanish off of the face of the planet

**Simon:** Everyone is so homicidal today

**Peter:** I didn’t say I wanted them murdered 

**John:** Your lack of a stronger reaction is suspicious 

**Peter:** Well... maybe I wouldn’t mind an awful lot. Just keep me out of it

**Simon:** First and last name, please

**Judas:** Oh, so killing a random person you’ve never met is fine?

**Simon:** Clearly 

**James:** Don’t commit murder 

**Jesus:** Please

**Mary:** At the very least don’t announce it in the groupchat like this

**Peter:** Technically it’s not an announcement. More like... a vague wish

**Matthew:** What did they do anyway?

**Peter:** He went whining to the manager and HR about how some rules aren’t followed to the letter because everyone else understands how realism works and everyone else understands what hard deadlines are, so now they have to survey every little thing we do. Which is a great combination with said hard deadlines

**Simon:** Sounds murder worthy to me

**Mary:** While it is, I'd advice against murder anyway

**Jesus:** Don’t murder anyone. Ever. Please

**Simon:** Well, I don’t know about ever, but today should be doable

**Peter:** So, tomorrow he’s gone?

**Simon:** Possibly

PM between James and Jesus

_ 17:35 _

**James:** Before you start to search, I found Judas in my living room

**Jesus:** Oh... alright. I was just going to text him

**Jesus:** ...Do you know why?

**James:** Not really. Don’t worry, buddy, there wasn’t any alcohol involved as far as I can tell and trust me when I say Simon isn’t down to fuck at the moment

**Jesus:** Didn’t know that was possible 

**James:** Only when all the stars are aligned

**Jesus:** That makes more sense

**James:** You know you’re free to come over, right?

**Jesus:** Just to check up on him? Even I know that’s incredibly unhealthy

**James:** Well I was under the assumption you'd trust me on it when I told you everything was fine

**Jesus:** Shit, I do trust you, I didn’t mean it like that

**James:** I know. Calm down, buddy. I'm just saying you wouldn’t be coming over to check up on anyone but because it would make you feel better which, considering the circumstances, is more than fair

**James:** And, if you need an excuse, I can just show you what the fridge currently looks like 

**Jesus:** Okay, I'm bringing food for you two because one of these days you'll actually get scurvy 

**James:** Sounds probable enough. Simon says he’s going to look into getting vitamin shakes 

**Jesus:** Okay, I'm going to pretend I didn’t read that and get in the car now

**James:** Smart


	44. Encountering Problems

PM between John and Matthew

_Wednesday, 11:39_

**Matthew:** Hey, remember when you said I should call you if I ever wanted to… ‘drink myself into a coma’ as you put it?

**John:** Yes. Are you okay?

**Matthew:** No

**John:** Do you want me to come over?

**Matthew:** I don’t want to bother you

**John:** I have nothing to do all day and even if I did, I would happily drop it to be there for you, okay?

**Matthew:** Alright, if you’re sure

**John:** Of course I am. Do you need me to bring anything?

**Matthew:** No, I’ve got everything

**John:** Alright. I’ll be there as soon as possible

PM between John and Simon

_12:51_

**John:** It’s Matthew, isn’t it? The reason I had to clear my schedule today

**Simon:** Yeah

**John:** How did you know?

**Simon:** I’ve spent the past 9 years delivering his alcohol, I was bound to recognise some patterns along the line

**John:** What’s going on, Simon? I’m worried. Like, really worried

**Simon:** It’s probably not as bad as it looks like. Don’t forget you’ve still never seen him properly get drunk

**John:** But what’s going on? I don’t want to push Matthew about it, but not knowing what’s going on doesn’t exactly help my stress levels

**Simon:** That’s fair. It’s his birthday

**John:** It is? He didn’t tell me that. Wait, that’s not the reason for this, is it?

**Simon:** No. I don’t think he ever tells anyone his birthday. It took me a couple of years to figure out and I only did so by accident

**John:** Why?

**Simon:** Because the last time someone gave him a birthday present, they kicked him out of their house and left him with Andrew

**John:** Fuck. Right. So he just doesn’t celebrate his birthday… ever?

**Simon:** Neh, pretty sure he has taken the date of his top surgery as his new birthday, but don’t quote me on it

**John:** Right. Alright, thanks

**Simon** : Hey, I don’t want to scare you, but I just want to make sure this shit goes down safely. I left Matt enough alcohol to get him properly drunk without any serious risk if he drinks it at his normal pace. We locked his stash away and the key is not in the apartment. So it should be on the safe side of things. However, it’s far from unlikely that he ups his speed or gets drunk quicker than usual or anything like that. In which case, call me. I’ve got the whole day free for this exact reason. Don’t ask Matt for permission and don’t try to intervene yourself. At the end of the day, he’s an alcoholic on a bad day. He might hurt you

**John:** How’s that supposed to not scare me?!

**Simon:** Take it as a warning. I don’t want you to wait until it’s too late to call me

**John:** Alright

**John:** You know, you could have warned me about this beforehand. Properly, I mean

**Simon:** I know. Look, in all honesty, I wasn’t sure he was going to reach out to you. It’s still Matt. I didn’t want you to worry for no reason

**John:** I suppose that’s fair enough

**Simon:** Let’s be honest, it’s a shit situation

**John:** Preaching to the choir

_14:18_

_One answered call from **John**_

The twelve

_14:47_

**Matthew:** Fuck Simon

**_John_ ** _removed **Matthew** from this chat_

**Mary:** What was that about?

**John:** Nothing

_14:55_

**Simon:** The expressing of deep desires and wishes

**James:** I doubt that

**Judas:** At least not in the way you’re talking about

**Simon:** Judas, my friend, you are too kind as always

**Judas:** Go fuck yourself

**Simon:** I will try my best to add that to my very busy schedule

**Peter:** Since when do you have a schedule?

**Simon:** Since just now

PM between James and Simon

_15:12_

**James:** So, what are the odds that Matthew is currently drunk off his ass and you saw it coming and still didn’t give John a clear warning because you’re a drama queen?

**Simon:** If we rephrase the reasoning, the odds are pretty good

**Simon:** Or bad, considering the situation

**James:** Well, at least this isn’t to do with your drama streak

**Simon:** I’m insulted you would think that

**James:** With you, everything is possible

**Simon:** Fair enough

**James:** So what did you do to piss off Matt?

**Simon:** Punch him in the face after I stole his drink

**James:** That will do it. What did you punch him in the face for?

**Simon:** Payback

**James:** …Do I even want to know?

**Simon:** Depends, are you going to ask about my split lip when I get home?

**James:** Not anymore

**Simon:** Then you’re probably fine

**James:** Idiot

**James:** Be careful

**Simon:** I always am. You do know this is like a quarter of my job?

**James:** Yeah, yeah, but I also know you have no sense of self preservation

**Simon:** Oh right, good point

The twelve

_16:23_

**Jesus:** I know I’m late, but is everything okay?

**Simon:** Everything’s fine

**Mary:** Does John agree?

**Simon:** Your lack in trust in my is insulting

**Judas:** Wonder why that is

**Simon:** Betrayal hits from all sides

**Judas:** Sucks to be you

**Simon:** Ah well, I’ll have to disappoint you as John is currently unavailable

**Peter:** Please tell me you didn’t kill him

**Simon:** If I did, you have no evidence of it

**Judas:** And you still wonder why people don’t take your word for it when you say things are fine

**Mary:** Seriously, Simon, what’s going on?

**Simon:** Nothing that concerns you

**Peter:** Hey, there’s no need to lash out like that. She’s just concerned

**James:** Maybe you should all just back off and there wouldn’t be a need to lash out

**Jesus:** How are we supposed to do that when there’s something obviously wrong?

**Simon:** And what were you planning on doing about it? Going out to an address that you don’t have so you can solve a problem that you know nothing of?

**Judas:** Hey, fuck off

PM between Peter and James

_17:05_

**James:** You still have admin rights, don’t you?

**Peter:** Yeah, why?

**James:** Throw Simon out

**Peter:** Are you sure that’s a good idea?

**James:** Yeah, trust me

**Peter:** Alright, if you say so

The twelve

_17:11_

**_Peter_ ** _removed **Simon** from this chat_

PM between James and Simon

_17:12_

**James:** I hope you realise I’m going to knock you out as soon as you have eaten and won’t let you wake up for the next 12 hours

**Simon:** Fair enough, though I may not need your help

**James:** I’m not taking chances with your stubborn ass


	45. Sleep solves Everything

PM between James and Jesus 

_Thursday, 7:59_

**James:** Hey, are you okay with being in the store alone this morning?

**Jesus:** Yeah sure. Does this have to do with whatever happened yesterday?

**James:** Yeah, basically. Simon needs to sleep and someone has to make sure he actually does it for more than 5 hours

**Jesus:** It's 8

**James:** He didn’t get home till 2 and didn’t go to sleep immediately either 

**Jesus:** Right. Sure sounds like everything was fine

**James:** Of course everything wasn’t fine, I thought that much was clear

**Jesus:** It was, but I wasn’t he one who insisted on the opposite

**James:** What did you want from them? Honestly, none of this is any of your business and I get that you’re concerned, but that doesn’t give you a right to keep pushing for answers

**Jesus:** And yet you clearly know what’s going on

**James:** Correct

**Jesus:** A bit hypocritical, don’t you think?

**James:** No, because I already knew most of what was going on anyway

**Jesus:** You’re right, that’s much better. How many secrets are you guys keeping anyway?

**James:** Jesus, back off. You don’t see any of us asking about what you tell your boyfriend and not us. So you'll have to forgive my partner for including me into things that he leaves you out of

**Jesus:** Wait. ‘Partner'?

**James:** Yeah, look up queerplatonic relationships

**Jesus:** Since when is your deal this serious?

**James:** Since a little over two years ago

**Jesus:** You never told us

**James:** That was kind of the idea

**Jesus:** Why is it so hard to communicate?

_Read 8:47_

PM between Matthew and Simon 

_10:35_

**Matthew:** I'm sorry about yesterday

**Simon:** It’s fine

**Matthew:** It's not. I hit you

**Simon:** Yeah and I punched you right back. We’re even

**Matthew:** If you say so

**Simon:** Matt, I once had someone threaten and attempt to break my arm because I dared suggest he should slow down. Now that I’m thinking about it, I threatened to break your jaw less than a month ago. Trust me, you’re fine

**Matthew:** I suppose that’s true 

**Matthew:** Is there something else I did that I should know of? I don’t really remember much 

**Simon:** Not really. It was all pretty normal. Lots of crying for the last couple of hours before you passed out

**Matthew:** Shit. I should apologise to John 

**Simon:** Not really, but whatever makes you feel better. Call me if you need anything

**Matthew:** Alright

**Matthew:** I'm sorry for keeping you up too

**Simon:** Honestly, my own planning sucked, as did the timing of my hamsters. Neither of which is your fault

**Matthew:** If you say so

**Matthew:** Thanks. For everything

**Simon:** Anytime

PM between Matthew and John 

_11:08_

**Matthew:** I'm sorry for getting you involved in my mess

**John:** Please don’t be. I'm your boyfriend. I want to be involved in your mess

**Matthew:** I know this isn’t what you signed up for

**John:** It's not, but I don’t care. I'm so proud of you for reaching out when you need help and I'm honoured that you trust me enough to let me see you that vulnerable

**John:** I didn’t sign up for it, but I don’t mind at all. Because I love you, Mattie

**Matthew:** Don’t call me that

**John:** What? ‘Mattie'?

**Matthew:** Yeah. It’s what he used to call me. I'm sorry

**John:** No. I'm sorry. You don’t have to apologise for setting your limits

**Matthew:** Alright

**Matthew:** Can I come over and can we watch a movie and eat cookie dough?

**John:** Yes, of course. Shall I come and pick you up?

**Matthew:** Only if you don’t mind

**John:** Of course I don’t. I'll be there in about half an hour after buying the cookie dough 

**Matthew:** Thank you

PM between Peter and Simon 

_12:32_

**Simon:** What is your surely atrocious reason for my ongoing banishment from the groupchat 

**Peter:** Ehm... I forgot?

**Simon:** Unforgivable 

**Peter:** Guess I won’t add you back

**Simon:** Alright, you’re forgiven if you add me back

**Peter:** I knew I could get you to see reason

**Simon:** While you’re at it, add Matthew too. He probably isn’t going to ask you to

**Peter:** I can do that

The twelve 

_12:43_

**_Peter_ ** _added_ **_Simon_ ** _to this chat_

**_Peter_ ** _added_ **_Matthew_ ** _to this chat_

**Judas:** Too bad

**Simon:** Well, that’s just rude to Matthew

**Judas:** No, he’s fine. You’re the problem

**Simon:** Oh well. I know you love me

**Judas:** *Hate

**Simon:** Same difference

**Mary:** On which planet is that the same thing?

**Simon:** Judas planet

**James:** You know it’s true

**Mary:**...Yeah, you’re right

**Judas:** So what was that bullshit yesterday about?

**Simon:** Still nothing that concerns you

**Judas:** It does if it causes you to be an asshole to my boyfriend

**Simon:** Rest assured my friend, that was sleep deprivation and I have been forcefully cured of it

**Jesus:** It’s fine, Judas, let it go

**Judas:** Alright, fine

PM between James and Jesus 

_13:07_

**James:** I’m coming over in a bit

**Jesus:** Okay, can you bring coffee on your way?

**James:** I can do that. How big of a coffee do I need?

**Jesus:** The biggest, probably 

**James:** So, two for you then?

**Jesus:** Please

**James:** Coming right up. Plus the necessary chocolate muffins

**Jesus:** Why? Their muffins suck

**James:** So you say, but A, chocolate and B, it will give you something to complain about that doesn’t insult our customers 

**Jesus:** I suppose that’s true

**Jesus:** I'm sorry for this morning, by the way. I was worried

**James:** It's fine, don’t worry 

**Jesus:** Just... can you tell me if Matthew and Simon are fighting? Because that’s what it looks like to me

**James:** Oh, I can see why. No, they aren’t. Give me a second

**James:** Simon says I should tell you Matt is Andrew's ex. Don’t know if that explains anything, but he seems to think it does

**Jesus:** It does. Oh. Shit


	46. Brain Cells

PM between John and Simon

_ 8:53 _

**John:** I forgot to tell you yesterday, but I don’t think Matt remembers

**Simon:** Yeah, I guessed as much or he would have been much more distraught 

**John:** Small mercies, I suppose

**Simon:** Are you busy?

**John:** Depends on your definition of busy, why?

**Simon:** I'm bored

**John:** Since when do you ask before barging in?

**Simon:** It’s called being considerate. Or so I've been told. I was giving it a try but it’s boring

**John:** It’s not the worst thing you’ve ever tried out. But feel free to come over. I'm recording, but that’s not something you’ve never barged in on

**John:** Oh, but since you’re announcing. Can I convince you to get bubble tea?

**Simon:** Just this once. Because I'm in a good mood. What flavour?

**John:** Passion fruit

The twelve

_ 11:20 _

**James:** Okay, he’s wearing that scarf again two days in a row. So, 20 bucks on 5 more days

**Simon:** Bullshit, 3 more days 

**John:** Guys. Wrong chat

**James:** Fuck

**Jesus:** Please tell me this isn’t about what I think it’s about

**Simon:** If you think it’s about something else than what it’s about, then yes

**Jesus:** You’ve got to be kidding me

**Judas:** I'm going to kill you

**Simon:** Not that I'm not honoured, but why just me?

**Judas:** Because this whole idea reeks of you

**Simon:** Fair enough

**Mary:** Honestly though, don’t you think it’s a bit insensitive?

**Simon:** Not really. I wouldn’t care if you guys were betting on me

**Judas:** Because clearly you’re a good reference

**John:** Simon, for that to work you'd have to stop for at least 1 day

**Simon:** Jesus and Judas currently have a longer streak than I have

**James:** Not for lack of trying

**Simon:** Irrelevant and not true

**James:** Is it?

**Simon:** Yes. Yesterday you were boring

**James:** And you spend half the day asleep

**Simon:** Details. Wednesday I was busy, Tuesday Jesus and the musketeers were cockblocking and Monday was filled with more sleep

**James:** Oh right. Had already forgotten about all of that

**Simon:** You’re welcome for the reminder

**John:** Wow, that’s a surprisingly long break

**Mary:** Okay, I'm going to stop this right here before I get more information that I don’t want

**Peter:** Good move

**Judas:** How are any of you shits still breathing? That requires brain cells, which you clearly lack

**John:** Hey, I have brain cells

**Judas:** Debatable 

**James:** Let’s face the facts, the only people here capable of thinking are Mary, Peter and maybe Matthew

**Matthew:** Please don’t include me in that list

**Jesus:** I have brain cells

**Peter:** You'd all lose brain cells the moment you were given them

**Mary:** I agree with Peter on this one

**John:** You can’t prove that

**Simon:** Well, you could give everyone a set of a physical representation of brain cells and take one every time someone does or says something stupid. Or wait until everyone literally loses them

**John:** ...Okay, now it needs to be disproven 

**Peter:** ...Guess I'll misuse the company's printer

**Jesus:** Seriously?

**Judas:** This is fucking stupid

**Peter:** [Picture attachment: a stack of ‘cards' with pictures of cells on them]

**James:** Peter, I don’t want to ruin your day, but those aren’t brain cells. They’re not even animal cells. They’re plant cells

**Jesus:** Do we want to know how you know that?

**James:** They have a vacuole. Animal cells don’t have those, plant cells do

**Matthew:** I was just going to say that. You’ll probably want to use pictures of neurons too if you want to be accurate

**Peter:** You’re going to make me do it again, aren’t you?

**James:** Yes

**Simon:** Obviously 

**John:** Do I look like a plant to you?

**Peter:** Fine

**Peter:** [Picture attachment: a stack of ‘cards' with pictures of neurons on them]

**Peter:** There are 5 brain cells for everyone

**Mary:** Are we seriously doing this?

**Jesus:** Apparently

**Peter:** But I'm not delivering them to everyone. I draw the limit at explaining to a co-worker why I would need 40 pictures of neurons

**Simon:** Weak, but fair

**Mary:** We can just meet up tonight

**Peter:** That works 

**Mary:** My place?

**Jesus:** I'll bring food

**Simon:** Nice. Brain cells and food in one evening 

**Peter:** Please don’t lose them all at once

**Simon:** I can make no such promises

Scarf Watch Squad

_ 13:57 _

**Simon:** Alright, back to more important things. James for whatever reason claims 5 more days, I say 3. John, are you in?

**John:** Why not. I guess I'm betting on 4

**James:** You’re both lucky you haven’t gotten your brain cells yet

**John:** You’re betting too

**James:** I know, but let’s be realistic, I'll literally have lost them all within 24 hours

**John:** Right. Good point

**Simon:** That’s a royal estimate 

**James:** I like to be optimistic 

The twelve

_ 14:21 _

**Jesus:** Wait. Back to your stupid bet. How long have these been going on

**Simon:** This was only the second time, no worries

**Jesus:** ...You know that isn’t exactly a relieve, right?

**John:** Were you hoping for a higher number?

**Jesus:** Please no. Forget I ever asked

**Judas:** Wait. Is this why Simon came over last week without a reason?

**Simon:** Yes

**Judas:** I'm going to kill you

**Simon:** So you have said, but here I am, still alive

**Judas:** Enjoy it while it lasts

**Simon:** Thanks for the heads up

**Simon:** Jesus, I'm stealing James

**Jesus:** Not a chance

**Simon:** Boring

**Simon:** Hey, Matt, you didn’t give up on the whole monogamy thing overnight, did you?

**Matthew:** No, sorry 

**Simon:** Oh well, John would have killed me anyway. Just my luck to spend my last day on this earth with a murderous asexual 

**John:** You could leave

**Simon:** Sounds like effort. I'll just convince Judas to reschedule 

**Judas:** Though chance

PM between Simon and Lydia

_ 15:36 _

**Simon:** Are you free and in town?

**Lydia:** I am in town. I'm technically not free

**Simon:** Technicalities are boring

**Lydia:** Exactly. See you in half an hour at the McDonald’s?

**Simon:** Sounds doable

**Lydia:** Convince them to make me a McFlurry with all ingredients 

**Simon:** I like the way you think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lydia is an OC of CalamityCain and mine. You can ignore her, she'll probs never come back again XD This addition was totally unnecessary anyway bu tI couldn't resist


	47. Friendships

PM between Mary and Matthew

_ Saturday, 10:51 _

**Mary:** Apparently the hospital where you work is super close to the clinic where I work. Since we’re the only people who have to work today, want to grab lunch together?

**Matthew:** Sure! I have my break from 13:30 till 14:00 but I can see if I can switch with someone if that doesn’t work for you

**Mary:** No that’s fine, I have my break from 13:00 until 14:00 so I'll just come over and be there around 13:30

**Mary:** Now that we’re basically on the subject anyway, do you and John want to go on a double date with me and Peter sometime?

**Matthew:** If you’re sure you want to

**Mary:** Of course. Why else would I ask?

**Matthew:** To be polite

**Mary:** I would’ve thought you'd know me well enough by now I don’t hang around people just to be polite

**Matthew:** I'm sorry

**Mary:** You don’t have to apologise

**Mary:** I don’t know what happened to you and you really don’t have to explain yourself. But I want you to know that we’re friends. Not because Simon forced me to or because you’re dating John but because I like you as a person. So does Peter

**Mary:** So when I ask you for a double date it’s because you’re my friend and it sounds like fun. Not because I feel obliged or because there are no other options. Although I will admit the other options are noticeable in their absence

**Matthew:** You could go with Jesus and Judas

**Mary:** As much as I love Jesus, I don’t think he and Judas could get through a date without fighting and I can honestly do without that

**Matthew:** I suppose that’s fair

**Mary:** So, do you want to?

**Matthew:** Yeah. I'll have to ask John if he wants to, of course

**Mary:** Of course! Let me know once you’ve talked to him

**Matthew:** Will do

**Matthew:** And ehm... Thank you. For what you said

**Mary:** Hey, no problem. And if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me, alright?

**Matthew:** Yeah. Thanks

PM between John and Matthew

_ 12:22 _

**Matthew:** Mary asked if we wanted to do a double date with her and Peter 

**John:** Sure, as long as I don’t have to pick a restaurant

**John:** And as long as you’re sure you’re comfortable with it, of course

**Matthew:** Yeah, I think so. I mean, I'm going to grab lunch with Mary today so if I can survive that, everything else should be fine

**John:** You’re getting lunch with Mary?

**Matthew:** I'm sorry. I should’ve asked first

**John:** No, sweetheart, that’s not what I meant at all. I was just surprised. You don’t need anyone’s permission to meet up with whoever you want

**Matthew:** You don’t mind?

**John:** Why would I mind? You’re just friends hanging out. You’re both in a relationship, I trust you both and if that wasn’t enough, you’re gay

**Matthew:** Right. You’re right

**John:** Hey, you’re not apologizing for something that doesn’t need apologies 

**Matthew:** You did threaten to put sparkly pink nail polish on my fingers. It’s a very effective threat

**John:** Well, that was the idea. But still, I'm proud of you

**Matthew:** Thank you. I love you

**John:** I love you too

**John:** You know what would make me love you even more though?

**Matthew:** Muffins?

**John:** Please?

**Matthew:** Pick me up after my shift and I may consider it

**John:** I think that should be possible. What time does your shift end today?

**Matthew:** Around 4

**John:** Alright, I'll see you then with muffins. Have fun with Mary!

The twelve

_ 16:13 _

**Simon:** James officially lost all his brain cells

**James:** Technically I didn’t lose them. I know exactly where they are

**Simon:** Fine, you obliterated them

**Jesus:** What on earth did you do with them?

**James:** Put them in my pocket yesterday evening and just never took them out 

**Simon:** And then proceeded to throw his trousers in the washing machine, thus obliterating his brain cells

**Peter:** I will admit, that’s not how I thought you’d lose them

**James:** Me neither, but can’t say I’m surprised

**Judas:** I don’t think anyone is surprised

**John:** How’s everyone else doing with their brain cells?

**Mary:** I still have all of them

**Peter:** Me too

**Simon:** Same here

**Jesus:** Okay, I don’t believe that for a second

**John:** Unless you haven’t been around people all day

**Simon:** Oh no, I have

**Judas:** Then that’s bullshit

**Jesus:** James?

**James:** Technically speaking, he still has them all

**John:** Meaning?

**James:** I can’t be bothered to go through the fitness workout that is included in trying to take one from him. I made one attempt and you should all be glad I went that far

**Jesus:** Seriously?

**Peter:** Pretty sure that’s against the rules 

**Simon:** Peter, my friend, we neglected to establish a decent set of rules

**John:** I have a proposal for a new rule: brain cells should be given voluntarily or Judas is allowed to get them however he wants

**Judas:** Finally, some point to this bullshit

**Simon:** Always glad to provide you with a life purpose 

**James:** Simon officially doesn’t have brain cells anymore. Even if he physically still has them all

**Judas:** On it

**Simon:** Fun

**Jesus:** I wish he was kidding, but he genuinely just left

**John:** It’s for the common good

**James:** So Mary and Peter still have them all, as expected and Simon and I have none, as expected. What about you guys?

**Jesus:** I still have 2. Judas is up for debate between 3 and none, since he just left them in the kitchen without looking at them a second time

**John:** I think that counts as none. I'm at 2 as well

**Matthew:** I still have them all

**John:** Told you so

**Matthew:** I don’t think that’s fair though, since I've been at work all day

**John:** I know some people who would lose them all within 24 hours even while working

**Simon:** I am shocked at such horrible accusations. They are grotesque lies!

**John:** How did you know I was talking about you if it isn’t true?

**Simon:** ...Gut feeling

**James:** Nice safe, buddy


End file.
